insignificant or unloved, whenever I feel abandoned in any way, I tend toward my old behavior. I start thinking about a guy. I start considering how a man might save me. I start to slip. The main difference now is that those thoughts don’t have the same power over me. I don’t believe the fantasy. I’m too aware of its lie and how I’ve hurt myself with it.
But many women are not in the same place. They still struggle heavily with those feelings, still believe the pull, and still enjoy the high just a little too much.
Sandra has been having an affair for seven months now. She also sometimes sleeps with other men. Her husband probably knows, but he turns a blind eye. His anger comes out with passive aggression and occasional verbal abuse. He tells her that she does things wrong or that she’s too slow or too fast. He has pretty much stopped having sex with her, too. She knows her marriage needs to end, but she’s scared that when she’s on her own, her behavior will only get worse, that she’ll feel out of control and will harm herself further.
This out-of-control feeling is typical among adult loose girls. They are ashamed that, at this point in their lives, when they should be making mature choices, they still act in these ways. But it feels like they can’t stop. Often, as adults loose girls will fall into love and/or sex addiction. They tend toward unavailable men who will distance themselves as the women approach and pursue. Loose girls often demand too much too soon. They want to know if the men are going to commit to them pronto. They want to know how the men are going to make them feel loved. They expect men to fill their emptiness, and in adulthood, the loose girls feel angry that they don’t. They call or email or text men too much, no longer feeling they have the luxury to wait. The pressure from society to settle down and marry is so immense that if a woman is single she often feels she is undesirable.
Or they remove themselves from men altogether. Gerri, who has been divorced for many years, told me that she hadn’t been with a man in two years. She’s been with more than a hundred men, and she just wants it to stop. She assumes she can’t have a normal relationship with a man, so she won’t go near any. She’d rather be alone than feel that out-of-control feeling that comes with her engagement with men.
The shame for grown-up loose girls is as bad as it is for teenagers, but it happens for an entirely different reason. Women should be married and monogamous (and heterosexual, for that matter). They should be concerned with their children, not with their own needs. They can have sex, unlike teenage girls, but they can’t want it. And they certainly can’t want it as much as or more than their partners. The stereotype of the married woman is that she is always warding off her husband’s advances. There is that old caricature of the wife who says, “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache,” and the underlying assumption that this is just an excuse for not wanting sex at all. There is that stereotype, too, of women sitting around together, complaining about their husbands’ wanting sex. The notion is found on sitcoms, where the horny husband is always trying to get his wife to have more sex. Women fulfill their “wifely duty” by having sex, as though it is just one more thing they have to do, along with filling the dishwasher and cleaning the toilets.
Because of this stereotype, women often opt to not be sexual. It is much easier to be a married woman who doesn’t desire sex. So, when you do desire sex, the shame and sense of being different, false as it is, can be a part of what keeps you in that loose-girl cycle, where you act out, feel ashamed, and then act out to try to feel better again.
Vivian, who is in her late thirties and has never married, fears her loose-girl behavior will keep her from ever finding a real relationship. She doesn’t think she wants children, but she does feel like a relationship would make her feel worthwhile. She looks around and feels as though everyone else knows how to have this, that there must be something terribly wrong with her, and—her greatest fear—that she is in fact unlovable. She has had a number of long-term relationships where the man she is with eventually distances himself from her because, she claims, she gets too needy. When I asked her what she meant by “needy,” she said she always wants more from him than he can give. She’s so desperate for any man to choose her, to prove to her that she’s worth loving, that she has no sense of wanting anything more specific from a man. In other words, she feels like she has no standards. Her only standard is that a man could love her and not leave. Tied up with this feeling is that she feels like she will sleep with anyone who will take her, in the hope that he will wind up loving her. I asked her if she actually wanted the sex itself. It took a while for her to answer: “I do want the sex,” she said. “But it’s not a straight answer, because I don’t even know how to feel sexual desire without also needing something more. So, yes, I want the sex. But it’s just because I want to feel close to a man.” I asked her what happened in most cases. “In most cases, they don’t stick around because I’m too needy. No one wants a needy girl.”
Vivian’s experience of sexual desire is similar to many teen girls’ experience. She can’t quite name her desire as pure sexual need. It’s too interwoven with other needs, and as a result, the shame she feels is not just for wanting sex but for wanting anything. Her want becomes “neediness,” because a wanting woman is unattractive. And Vivian notes that no one wants a “needy girl,” reinforcing the idea that neediness belongs to girls, not women. The grown-up loose girl is so much like the teenage version that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart.
As discussed in chapter 3, slut pride can also get in the way for loose girls. Strong women should be able to sleep around, but for so many women, the sense that they aren’t really strong, that they are in fact too needy, too ugly, too undesirable or unlovable, can get in the way. The slut-pride attitude gives women an avenue to act out their loose-girl behavior, which only makes them feel worse.
Many of them agree with the men who say they don’t want to get serious; they just want to have sex and nothing more. But they’re not telling the truth. When they reveal that they want more, and the men pull away, their neediness rises up, leading them to a further sense of shame (remember that a loose girl’s greatest shame is not the fact that she has a lot of sex; it’s that she feels as though her neediness makes her unlovable.) Grown-up loose girls struggle with the option of casual sex. They may want such a thing. They may, for instance, want sex but not a boyfriend after a marriage dissolves, but their constant need for male attention to translate into proof that they’re lovable and worthwhile gets in the way. In this way, loose girls wind up damned if they do and damned if they don’t.
Most loose girls claim that they want a close, intimate relationship with a man, but they feel incapable of having one, either because they can’t get one or because once they do, they screw it up by needing too much and/or cheating. This is a big irony that loose girls face: many claim that all they want is a relationship, one in which they are truly loved by a man. But many times loose girls grow restless after they’ve gotten that, and they wind up looking outside the committed relationship for something new. When their emptiness, their sense of being worthless, isn’t healed through the relationship, they head back out there, certain that it means they just didn’t find the right one yet. Many women who come to me note that they don’t understand why they do this, that they feel out of control, as though controlled by puppet strings, held by someone else. Indeed, they are being controlled by the addiction, by the pursuit of that high that comes when they feel like maybe this time they will get what they need to seal that void inside.
One of the biggest challenges grown-up loose girls face is recognizing that they have not lived in a vacuum. Like any other human, they have made mistakes. They learned negative patterns. They got themselves entangled in situations that they will never be free of. They have kids with the wrong people. They mess up their careers. The longer we live, after all, the more opportunities we have to love and lose. This is just a fact of life.
The media sets us all up to believe that somehow everyone else has perfect lives, everyone else gets their needs met all the time, but not us. Certainly, loose girls are guilty of this feeling. They assume that they are the only ones who can’t get loved. They are the only ones obsessed with men. They are the only ones who mess up all their relationships. In truth, of course, most of us are like that. Life is suffering. Happiness is fleeting. So, the key to being a grown-up loose girl is acceptance. We will always struggle with these feelings. We will always think first of which guy can make us feel better. And we will always wrestle with neediness when the person we love goes away. The next chapter explores this idea of acceptance in much greater detail.
For most of my life I wanted to be “mysterious.” This was one of my greatest aspirations. I just knew that if I were unreadable, if I were so taken up with my career or children or anything other than boys, if my needs weren’t telegraphed to other people, that boys and men would pursue me constantly and I’d never feel unloved again.
I had plenty of reason to believe this. Our culture is very supportive of what can be called “the rules girl,” coined by Ellen Fein’s and Sherrie Schneider’s
The rules girl is, in other terms, the opposite of the loose girl. She is not needy, and she most certainly isn’t
