Kate woke suddenly, the inside of her belly seemed to be moving as if something lived in there, but that was absurd, impossible, her baby, hers and Eddie’s, had gone in the blast from the shells that had devastated her life and killed her friends. And, she thought bitterly, as darkness met her unseeing eyes, stolen her sight.
When she went down to breakfast, feeling her way along the banister and down the stairs to the kitchen, she heard Hilda moving about, heard the flow of tea into a cup, the chink of china. She felt for her chair and sat down.
‘I’d swear I felt life inside me this morning when I woke up.’ The words sounded foolish and Kate felt Hilda’s hand on her arm.
‘Just your innards settling back into place I expect. Don’t worry about it, have your cup of tea.’ Hilda took her hand and placed it so that it touched the china saucer. ‘Be careful, it’s just freshly brewed.’
The tea was hot and fragrant and yet it tasted strange. Anyone would think she was pregnant. If only. But she had been once, she must hang on to that thought; if it wasn’t for the war… well, that line of thought would get her nowhere.
‘I expect I picked up some sort of chill,’ she said. Probably caught on her visit to the farm out in the wilds of Wales where the wind seemed continually cold.
Kate had sensed the tension between her friend Hari and Michael, the farmhand. She’d also sensed resentment coming from Meryl in waves. The girl, young, fanciful, thought herself in love with this Michael; he must be very handsome.
Kate felt tears come to her eyes. Her Eddie hadn’t been handsome; he had a kind but ordinary face, but oh how she loved him. And the magic of it all was that he loved her in spite of her bad reputation. Why, she wondered now, hadn’t she kept herself pure for a man she really cared for? And yet she thought of the men, going to war, some of them, like her Eddie, never to return, and she knew she had done her best for them, given them comfort in the only way she could.
The sirens shrieked out, shattering the peace of the morning. Hilda helped Kate into her coat and hustled her towards the door. ‘Come on, we’ll be better off in the shelter.’
Hilda didn’t have an Anderson shelter in her garden as most folks did; the pieces of steel, curled like snow sleds lay uselessly on the garden with no one to put them together. Kate felt Hilda’s arm around her, taking her along the street to the communal shelter.
She shared the tea with Hilda and she was reminded of Mass when the chalice was held to her lips by the priest and his blessing said over her head. She could hear her Irish mammy saying her ‘Hail Mary’s’ and she wondered why the Holy Mother saw fit to take everything from her. Kate had nothing, no mammy or brothers and sisters, no Eddie, no sight, no baby. What had she done that was so wrong—was it all a punishment for her being so free with her body when she lay with men about to die?
There was a crunch and then a great blast sweeping through the shelter. A child cried out, ‘Mammy my ears, they hurt so bad.’
There was a shuffle, Kate heard the creak of a stretcher, she heard a masculine voice say, ‘poor little bugger’ and she wondered if the little child was dead.
The cruelty of war was nothing to do with punishment, or the Virgin Mary, it was war, randomly affecting innocent and guilty alike. Wearily, Kate closed her sightless eyes, lay back against the wall and began to cry soundlessly.
In the evening, Hari came to see her and Kate held out her arms. ‘Give me a warm cuddle, Hari, it’s been a hell of a day.’
‘I know, I heard there was a raid, a few killed, one of them a little girl in the same shelter as you. Oh, Kate, when will it end?’ Hari sounded downhearted and Kate hugged her harder.
‘What’s happened?’
‘Such a lot, Kate. First of all I was supposed to go to London, take a message to the prime minister himself but my jeep got burned and then—’ she caught back a sob—I found poor Mr Evans dead, his little dog in his arms.’
‘That’s terrible, but then war is terrible. What else is bothering you, is it Meryl?’
‘No, Meryl’s all right. It’s Father, he’s been injured and he’s in hospital—wounded—but not too badly.’ She hesitated. ‘Lost a foot but he’ll be home once he’s recovered.’
‘What do you feel about that, having him home I mean?’
‘Mixed feelings to be honest; I don’t really know my father all that well. He was in the army remember? Before the war started, it was his career. What he’ll be like as an invalid I don’t know. To be really honest, I’m dreading having him home again.’
‘You’ll still have to work,’ Kate said. ‘Chin up, your life won’t change very much at all. Your daddy will have to learn to fend for himself. I know he’s posh, an officer and all that but he’ll have to learn to cook, to handle coupons like the rest of us.’ Kate smiled into her darkness.
‘Good thing your Meryl is out of the way, she’s a tough one, speaks her mind without thinking. Sparks would fly if she was in the house with your dad, so be thankful for small mercies.’
‘Anyway, never mind all that,’ Hari said, ‘I’ve come to ask, do you want to come on a trip with me to the hospital to see Father? I’ll have a few days’ compassionate leave, I can borrow a car and just enough petrol to get us there and back and we can stay in a little boarding house down the coast.’
For a moment Kate was frightened, how would she be away from her familiar surroundings? She was safe in Hilda’s house, she knew the layout of the furniture, knew the feel of her little bedroom. Loved the comfort of her bed, the bed that had once been her Eddie’s. She almost said she couldn’t go.
She hesitated, she was young, she couldn’t spend her life like a hermit, she needed to get out and about and to live as normal a life as she could.
Hari sensed her hesitation. ‘Please come, Kate, I need you.’ Hari’s usually self-composed voice trembled. ‘Please, Kate, I can’t face it all alone.’
‘I’ll come! What an adventure, a ride to the South Coast! You bet I’ll come.’ Kate was shaking inside but her voice gave no sign of it. ‘When?’
‘Tomorrow afternoon—is that all right?’
‘In that case—’ Kate forced some enthusiasm into her voice—‘you’d better help me to pack some undies and things.’
Hari laughed happily and Kate felt her friend’s arm around her waist. She stiffened, fearing pain, and Hari released her at once.
‘Don’t worry, Kate, I’ll look after you, always.’ It was a vow said with conviction and Kate, all at once, was comforted.
Nineteen
I clung to Michael’s hands. ‘I don’t want to go back to Swansea, I’m happy here with you. And with Aunt Jessie as well.’
‘It’s only a visit, you’re going to see your father that’s all. In any case it’s not until a few weeks’ time. Why worry about it now?’
He didn’t understand, he was my life, I loved him and not any longer as a child hero-worships an older man. I loved his cow’s lick of hair, his broadness, his big hands, his clever, ice-blue eyes. I loved his easy affection for me even as I wanted more.
I wanted him to see me as a woman. Couldn’t he tell the changes in me, my blossoming breasts, my tallness, the womanly curves of my hips?
‘Your Hari’s gone down to the coast to see your father in the military hospital, when she comes back she’ll tell you all the news, it will be all right, you’ll see.’
