It is Phillip, and others such as he, who crucify themselves upon the negative. Perhaps in sin I seek revenge for the hurts to my over-eager soul that I endured in a dry marriage bed.
At least my cunny was plump with sperm last night. Ah, should I weep therefor? I do not know.
CHAPTER FIVE
Phillip's Day-Book
Wretched was the day around me when I woke and heard the early chattering of voices down below. Such dreams of sin I had as should not come to any man who seeks to dust his soul with piety. I would remain here in my room forever, locked away from such temptations as beset me now, but I cannot. The innocence of Sylvia calls. I am her guardian angel-the lone one who can protect her now.
I dreamed of Uncle Reggie, too-that tawdry bedroom in that mean, small house.
'Do not imagine that you can see into the hearts and minds of those whom you hold dear, for you cannot', I recall that he once said to me.
His words are iron flakes upon my tongue, and should have been on his. There are stains upon my trousers; I will never get them off. I have hidden them away, tight-folded up, will never wear them any more. I shall keep cakes and biscuits in my desk that I may not have to go down too often. Alas, though, for the accidents, the incidents, of daily life. No sooner had I vowed this than Sylvia came running up, and I in my study lurking. Or, at least, I felt I lurked.
'Papa, you are late for breakfast. Shall you not come down?', she asked. I sat upon the couch that I now call 'Despair', and winsomely she sat upon my lap and coiled her sweet arms round me lovingly, the lower part of her person plump and pressing down where now both of my sinful sisters have exposed me to their view.
'In a moment I shall come down', I said, and felt discomforted, at a complete loss. She wriggles much when talking thus, does Sylvia. To my horror I felt a stirring underneath her lower part-a stirring on my part, I mean, for which I blamed both Muriel and Jane.
“Yes, do, Papa. The kidneys and the bacon are delicious-really nice. Oh, your beard is rough', she laughed and took her cheek from mine.
'My pet, I have not shaved as yet. I shall-that is to say-I shall-'
I had risen with her and was conscious, hideously, of an erection in my private parts the which I prayed devoutly that she would not see, though in her innocence, as I told myself, she could not know the nature of it. Indeed, I thought her eyes dropped for a moment, then she looked away. Her lips were slightly parted. How demure she looks in such a winsome pose! Such fresh young lips, such pearly teeth. I pray they retain their purity.
'Aunt Muriel says she will purchase me a new dress today, Papa, and a new bonnet, too. She said that you will buy me stockings, if she does. Will you? I know not whether to have white or pink or blue, or even black. Aunt Jane says that darker colours are the more becoming', Sylvia chattered, leading me downstairs although I did not really wish to go.
My sisters both awaited me. I feared they would. No sooner had we entered the dining room than both sprang up and kissed me, to the great delight of Sylvia and yet to my confusion, for both called me 'dear' and insisted on my sitting down before they did. Jane unrolled my napkin and insisted on laying it across my lap, her fingers passing as she did across the slight protuberance I had.
'Oho, what have we here!', she laughed.
Sylvia looked up from sipping tea and wondered at Jane's words. As for myself I flushed. Jane's fingers lingered, though being beneath the tablecloth could not be seen. Rose entered then with a tureen which she placed down as usual on the sideboard. As she did, Jane deliberately swept the napkin to the floor and quickly sat.
'Oh, Rose, dear, will you pick up the Master's napkin?', she asked.
It had fallen forward underneath the table's edge. I blurted out that I would pick it up, but the wretched maid insisted on doing it and sprang forward like a young gazelle. I made to grab it from her fingers, but then stayed myself. To do so in front of Sylvia would have looked absurd, for I have always insisted that the maid do such. Alas, to my supreme honor Rose's hand encountered that which Jane had left more stiff. She had the grace to blush- at her young age she would-and said 'Oh, sir!' and rushed from out the room.
“What is to do?', asked Sylvia and then called, 'Rose!', and ran out after her, not asking me if she might leave the table as she ordinarily does.
'My god, what have you done-on top of all?', I asked of Muriel and Jane.
I had not meant to speak to them, but knew I must find voice at this.
The male displays himself, my dear. It is very proper so to do in his own abode where surely he is king?', said Jane. I seared her with my eyes; she did not blink. Outside the door were whisperings.
'For god's sake fetch Sylvia back', said I, unable to get up myself in my ill-wished condition and fretful as to what things might be said by Rose whom I determined to dismiss.
'If you so wish, sir', Muriel said sarcastically, but ambled slowly out, opened the door and left it just ajar, and I forced to listen to the whisperings.
“You may both have to', I heard Muriel say. There was a squeak from Sylvia then. Unable to restrain myself, I bellowed out her name and she ran in.
'Finish your meal. Do not get up again until I tell you to', I said, though scolded myself for the severity of my tone which brought a glint of tears into her eyes.
“You would do better to kiss her more often than to scold her, Phillip', Muriel said.
'Be quiet!', I said, but mollified my tone, the which astounded me. I felt uneasy and could scarcely eat. The ghost of Uncle Reggie smiled at me again.
'When your Papa was naughty', said Muriel across the table to Sylvia, 'Mama used to lock him in a cupboard until he atoned for his sins. Shall we lock him in a cupboard now?'
'Muriel, do not be ridiculous', I said. I made to push my chair back, which was fatal, for the pair rose up and seized my arms. Sylvia bit her lip and stared at us, but clearly thought it a game and smiled. Thus was I slyly placed once more in a situation I could not escape without venturing into violence, for they held my arms quite tight and pulled me up. Dear Sylvia knew not whether to smile or to look serious, but in the end her aunts' smiles won, as I feared they would.
'Naughty, naughty Phillip-come', said Jane and tugged on me and Muriel did so, too, I haplessly repeating my original words.
'Open the cupboard, Sylvia-oh, what a lovely game to start the day!', was said.
'No, Sylvia', I wished to say, but that would have dismayed her more. I forced a smile-a mirth I did not feel. Seeing me grimace so, Sylvia laughed in turn and opened up the corner cupboard from which shelves had been long removed. I had meant to have the cupboard, too, removed, and thought it an encumbrance in the room. In a moment I was turned and pushed inside. The cupboard, having double doors and being narrow, I was pressed between the sides, facing to the right. The door closed. There was darkness.
'You may atone by kissing Sylvia instead of scolding her. A proper kiss though, mind', called Muriel and therewith one door opened and with a squeal Sylvia was thrust against me, and the darkness came again.
'Oh, Papa, they are being silly. Really, though, I do not mind', said Sylvia whose lissome form was pressed too closely against mine. Indeed, she could not help but feel the eruption in my trousers to her belly pressed.
'Open the doors!', I called, thereby unwittingly dismaying Sylvia who was convinced I did not wish to kiss her.
'No! We are leaning to it', Jane called back, and indeed I felt their backs thump at the doors while Sylvia's legs quivered to mine, her forehead down against my chest as though dismayed by my refusal to 'obey'.
“You may kiss me if you want, Papa', she murmured and then raised her face. I felt the motion for I could not see. Her nose brushed underneath my chin. The honeysuckle of her breath came up to mine.
'Properly, Phillip! No pecks on the cheek', called Muriel.
'It is silly, but honestly I do not mind, Papa', whispered Sylvia. Her tummy could not help but press against that which it found below. The cupboard, being airless, both my hands were moist. I knew not where to put them, yet could scarcely move my arms in any case. I inclined my head. Our noses touched and faces blindly sought when they should not have done. O honey-sweet her lips, and moist! Boldly she merged them into mine. I held my breath.
