The Devil's Dictionary

Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

C

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor’s Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty’s measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you weep at the death of an enemy?” “Ah, ‘tis true,” replied the great Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels — the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons — including all the assassins — entertain grave misgivings.

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

As Death was arising out one day,

Across Mount Camel he took his way,

Where he met a mendicant monk,

Some three or four quarters drunk,

With a holy leer and a pious grin,

Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

Who held out his hands and cried:

“Give, give in Charity’s name, I pray.

Give in the name of the Church. O give,

Give that her holy sons may live!”

And Death replied,

Smiling long and wide:

“I’ll give, holy father, I’ll give thee — a ride.”

With a rattle and bang

Of his bones, he sprang

From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

By the neck and the foot

Seized the fellow, and put

Him astride with his face to the rear.

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

Like clods on the coffin’s sounding shell:

“Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

Will ride to the devil!” — and thump

Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

Of the charger, which galloped away.

Faster and faster and faster it flew,

Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew

By the road were dim and blended and blue

To the wild, wild eyes