long to figure out?” Foss said.
“And there you go again,” Rei said, the exasperation showing clearly on his face. “Analyzing my mind and saying ‘Right, that being the case, this must be like this.’ You can say what you want, but —”
“Think about it yourself, Rei. You can’t bear having the way another person talks, like me, affect how you feel. You claim that it’s not your problem so that you can avoid dealing with it. But your mind is yours and yours alone, and when you declare that something isn’t your problem, you’re giving that up. Maintaining such a weak sense of self won’t get you very far, even with Yukikaze, and I think you know that too. You’re changing. If you just keep that in mind, you’ll be able to calmly value yourself in relation to any human group you interact with. That’s what’s known as getting stronger.
“Furthermore, it’s fine for you to say that other people don’t concern you, but you’re still in a fragile state. I think you need to continue your rehabilitation. As your doctor, I recommend that you continue with your training. By doing that, you’ll be able to overcome your fear of Yukikaze. I believe your fear to be connected not only to your worries over her, but also to your desire to defeat the JAM. My job as a doctor in the SAF is to help you do just that. Now, I’ll admit, I’m ignorant when it comes to Yukikaze, especially on the hardware side, but I’m trying my best to understand it. If I’m completely wrong about her, then please, set me straight. But calmly. Do you really think I’m just pretending to understand her?”
Rei took a deep breath. This doctor had done her profacting number on him, and it was clear to see that he couldn’t dispute what she had said.
“Do you...” he began. “Do you still have clearance to enter the SAF hangar bay?” The hangar where Yukikaze waited wasn’t open to just anyone. Edith had been given clearance once before, when she’d boarded Yukikaze for a mission, but Rei wasn’t sure if it was still valid.
“I don’t know,” she said. “We can find out by asking Major Booker —”
“We can also find out by just going down there,” Rei said. “I’m inviting you to my workplace. If you can’t get in, it’ll also be a good chance for me to see if Yukikaze knows that I need you. If I tell her that I do, she’ll accept you herself and probably make a request to Major Booker to grant you access.”
“Did you just say that you need me?”
“Yeah.” Rei nodded. “You’re still my doctor, and as much as I may not like what you just said, I can’t disagree with it either. It bugs the hell out of me, but I won’t argue. If you were one of our maintenance engineers, I’m pretty sure you’d keep our planes in perfect shape. Anyway, let’s go.”
Rei headed off toward the hangar bay, but Captain Foss stood where she was for a moment. “I’m grateful for the recognition, Captain Fukai.”
“You should be more thankful to Major Booker than to me,” he said. “He has a lot of faith in you.”
“Not complete faith, though,” she said as she fell into step at Rei’s side. “The major gave me this job of profacting the JAM because he thinks I can become a true member of the SAF. It’s like a test. He doesn’t really expect me to come up with a new understanding of the JAM or make some unforeseen discovery that he and the rest of you SAF people haven’t. I mean, the SAF has been working on the JAM on its own for so long, but —”
“You don’t think you can pass the test?”
“The key to passing it lies in whether or not I’m flattered by you and Major Booker, as well as my acceptance of the SAF’s current understanding of the JAM. I understand that. Neither he nor General Cooley will have much faith in someone who doesn’t accept common sense.”
“Unfortunately, that sort of thinking doesn’t apply in the SAF or the FAF.”
“How do you mean?”
“That attitude you have of passing a test, like you’re here studying abroad to get a degree. Really, it’s what you’d expect from an honors student. You think that your efforts will be recognized no matter what the outcome of your work. The problem is that the SAF is a combat unit. All we care about here are results. Major Booker has already decided that you’re useful to us, so you can’t treat this like some test you can take your time on. In other words, this is combat duty. He expects results we can use, no matter what expectations you may have. He really does expect you to make a new discovery that will shatter our existing view of the JAM. There’s no way I can describe just how naive your view is that this is some sort of test. And even though he knew that you’d see it that way, the major still gave you this mission. Even flattered you by saying you’d outdo Lynn Jackson. It was hard for him too. I could see that from the start. So don’t go running away from reality, Edith.”
She paused a moment as his words sank in.
“Yeah,” she finally said, and then it was her turn to let out a sigh. “I guess I’m just not confident that I can profact the JAM. It’s that simple. Maybe his expectations just aren’t justified. Maybe I don’t have the ability, and I just don’t want to admit it to myself.”
“The honors student who never had to deal with a setback. It’s a common story.”
“Can you knock it off with that talk?” Foss said.
“Sorry.”
“Still, you’re not one to get up on a soapbox like that. Great, now I hate myself.”
“Better to have someone tell you to stop acting like a spoiled brat than just say, ‘I hate you.’ You won’t survive here without reminders, and if you don’t have real ability, you’ll just be killed by the JAM. Besides, you’re a doctor. Doctors are supposed to act as though they’re superior to their patients. If they don’t, it just confuses us. An overconfident partner can be hard to deal with, but so can one who’s overly timid. I don’t want you ending up like that.”
“There are times, when I’m off the clock, that I like to complain about things too,” Foss said.
“Well, we’re on duty right now.”
“Yeah... Still, you can’t live your life at work. Do you ever take time to just relax?”
“Yeah.”
“Like, when you and Major Booker have a drink?”
“I suppose.”
“You have a good friend in James Booker,” Foss said. “I’m jealous. I don’t have any girlfriends here to commiserate with or even just talk to about women’s stuff.”
“Girlfriends, huh? You never forget that you’re a woman, do you?”
“Of course not. Unlike certain people I might name, I don’t forget that I’m human either, and gender comes with that. I’m a woman. I don’t consider myself some sort of asexual life-form. That goes for any normal human being, on the battlefield or anywhere else. That goes for General Laitume as much as it does for Colonel Rombert. You, however, are a slight exception.”
“Yeah, I guess I am,” Rei replied, turning his gaze away from Edith. “My awareness of my own humanity is annoying, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I know,” she said. “I’ve learned that very clearly from my work with you. One wrong step and you totally depersonalize. That’s why you still need rehabilitation. You need to fight the JAM from a human perspective. That’s far more threatening to them. Humans have gender. I don’t think the JAM understand that. Neither does Yukikaze, for that matter.”
Rei just grunted in response.
“I’m a woman, you’re a man, and the both of us are human,” Edith said, not looking at Rei. “Whether we’re at work or in our private lives, that never changes. Not when we get angry at each other or when we’re complaining to each other. I can complain about little things right here, right now, only because you are human. If I thought of you as a machine, I wouldn’t be talking to you like this. Doctors don’t share their private complaints with their patients.”
“Are you doing it because you think of me as a partner?”
“Yeah. Funny, huh?”
“Not really. Actually, I think it’d be interesting to try complaining to Yukikaze too.”
“I beg your pardon?” Foss said.
“When I think about it, I realize that I never thought of Yukikaze as a machine. It just occurred to me that I complain to her all the time when we’re in combat. I don’t talk to her like I’m better than she is. I get pissed off at her as though she was my partner and chat with her when I relax. Like now, with you. We’re equals. I was just wondering what Yukikaze thinks of us. At the very least, I’m sure that she sees me differently from other people. She isn’t just a machine.”
