Out of the Ashes

must know that.”

“My decision.”

“You’re half-black, half-white,” Lila said, a tinge of anger in her voice. “Are you making your choice? Is that it?”

“You’re the only one talking about color and choices. If Ben is color-blind, so am I.”

Pal and Valerie sat quietly, saying nothing, staying out of the verbal confrontation, now exclusively between the two women.

“You know Kasim will fly into a rage when he hears you’ve… spent the night with Ben. And Ben,”—she cut her eyes to him—“there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults. But there is much more than sex involved here. Try to see it from our point of view.”

Ben shrugged.

“Let him fly into a rage,” Salina said. “The stupid bastard’s half-crazy anyway.”

“Salina…” Lila leaned forward, taking her hands. “Think about it. Think….”

Salina jerked her hands away. “I have thought about it!” she snapped. “All my damned life I’ve thought about it. Where do I belong? Believe me, I’ve been the one living with that question, not you. For twenty-five years I’ve lived with it. If I make a statement that is contradictory to the quote/unquote ‘black’ way of thinking, I get my white father tossed in my face. If I’m around a group of whites and make any statement defending something a black person has done, I get my nigger mamma tossed at me. And don’t you think for one second I haven’t thought about ‘passing.’ I have not only thought about it, I’ve done it, many times. Hey—I like the white world. It’s free and a whole lot easier to move around in. So, by God”—she slammed a small fist on a coffee table—“don’t any of you presume to tell me what I can or cannot do. I will do what I want to do, when I choose to do it. And with whomever I choose to do it.” She jumped to her feet and ran from the room, crying.

Ben wisely kept his mouth shut about Salina’s decision and poured another cup of coffee from the service on the coffee table. He said blandly, “More coffee, anyone?”

“Thank you, no,” Cecil said, a slight smile working at the corners of his mouth. “Do you always stir up hornets’ nests wherever you go?”

“That’s not fair,” Valerie said. “Ben hasn’t done a thing except to come home. His home.” Lila, her composure restored, laughed at her husband’s pained expression and patted his leg. Valerie said, “There will be trouble over this, Ben. Kasim will indeed go berserk.”

“Willie, you mean?” Ben said, the words popping from his mouth before he could bite them off. Valerie looked blank; she, of course, would know nothing of Kasim’s Christian name.

“That annoys whites, doesn’t it?” Cecil asked, stuffing his pipe. “The Muslim bit, I mean.”

“Annoys?” Ben shook his head. “No… I don’t believe annoys is the right choice of words. I think a lot of whites are amused by it. And perhaps frightened, if they would admit it.”

“Umm. Frightened, yes. So are a number of blacks. But amused? Why?” Cecil asked.

“Because they don’t believe the blacks are taking their religion seriously. They think that they’re doing it solely to be different. Wearing turbans and robes.”

Cecil smiled. “Would you find it terribly difficult to believe that I, too, am amused by it—in some blacks?”

“No, not at all. You’re an educated man, and a fair-thinking man.”

Juno rose from the floor, stretched, and went into the room after Salina.

Cecil said, “When both man and beast accept a woman, I guess that pretty well settles it.” He lit his pipe. “Be careful, Ben Raines, many of the pressures in an interracial relationship come from within rather than from without.”

“I am aware of that.”

Cecil looked at him, his face a tanned study in the dim light. “So you believe education is the key to a black person’s acceptance by the whites, eh?”

“Education on both sides, yes. And conformity on both sides, as well. Root cause.”

“Yes, I read that in you. Have to get into the home before matters begin mellowing out, eh? Interesting. Rather Orwellian, though.”

Dr. Chase’s words.

“…Don’t know how you’d manage that,” Cecil remarked. “I’m going to tell you something, Ben. Tell you something because we are here, now. I think you’ve stood on the sidelines and watched all the action between the races for too long, electing to remain neutral.” He held up his hand as Ben opened his mouth to protest. “No—let me finish, Ben. Please. Let me assure you that black people know all the white arguments. All of them; know them by heart—hell, we’ve heard them all our lives.

“Ready? Good. In an election, blacks will vote color rather than intellectually, even though the black man may be less qualified than the white. Yes, that’s true. At least in nearly every election I’ve ever seen. But, my God, Ben, how else could the black people get representation. I mean… after all, we’re supposed to remain in our place. Wherever in the hell that is.

“All niggers steal. Well, that’s bullshit and we both know it. At least the connotation the whites attach to it is crap: that all blacks steal. I’ve never stolen a thing in my life. But because I am black I am tarred with the same brush as those blacks who do steal. It makes about as much sense as saying all Italians belong to the mafia.

“Niggers have no morals; all they want to do is drink and fuck. Did you patronize many redneck bars, Ben? Have you been in many conversations—and I use that word laughingly, taking into consideration the intellect of the average redneck—with ‘necks? Need I say more?

“Nigger is lazy; won’t work. Some black people are lazy; so are some whites. It’s about even.

“Niggers are smart-alecks. Meaning: don’t talk uppity to a white person. You ain’t as good as me. Don’t argue with a white man. Kowtow. Yes, sir—no, sir.

“Niggers are emotional. Yes, many of us are. There is a cultural as well as pigmentation difference between blacks and whites. But it amuses me, Ben, to hear some whites say that. Especially if one has ever witnessed the carrying-on in a white Pentecostal church, or other churches of that particular ilk.

“You know what I’m saying, Ben! I don’t have to continue in this vein. The point is: how will you combat those myths and prejudices in your society? And yes, we know of your plans. We have fine electronic equipment located around the area. Our people have done some excellent nigger-riggin’.” That was said with a smile and Ben had to laugh.

“Ben? I didn’t ask for the job of leader down here. One day I looked up and it was being handed to me. No one asked if I wanted it. They just handed it to me. I don’t need and don’t want any New Africa. I have been accepted in ‘your world’ all my life. My father was a psychiatrist, my mother a college professor. I hold a Ph.D.—and not from one of your all-black southern colleges. I worked hard to gain my degrees. My father saw to that—no favors. I graduated with a 3.9 from one hell of a fine university. I have been married for ten years and I have never slept with another woman.” He smiled. “But the temptation has sometimes been almost overpowering.”

Lila stirred by his side. Smiling, she said, “Keep talkin’, sucker.”

“Logan?” Cecil spat the word. “He’s a nigger-hater. Always has been. Those of us with any education saw past his rhetoric. And he—with the help of his mercenaries—is going to try to crush us down here. And probably will. But we have to try, Ben. Have to try—no!—we’ve got to show whitey we can have a Christian, decent, productive society without his help.

“Kasim? Piss on Kasim! His bread isn’t baked. He was a street punk and that’s all he’ll ever be.

“You’re going to look up one day, Ben—very soon, I believe—and the job of leader will be handed to you. Like me, you won’t want it, but you’ll take it because you believe in your dreams of a fair world, fair society. I read you like a good novel, Ben. You opened yourself up to viewing when you said you weren’t staying; you were heading west. You’re going for the states Logan is leaving alone for a time. And you’re going to form your own little nation. Just like we’re attempting to do here. Good luck to you—you’re going to need it. I—we—may join you out there.”

“You’d be welcome, Cecil. There are too few like you and Lila and Pal and Valerie.”

“And Salina,” Lila added, her eyes twinkling.