Boston Noir

When Gerard lay in his coma at the hospital, the nuns from St. Cormac’s took up residence in his room and kept a twenty-four-hour vigil. They fussed and prayed over him. Sister Brigid saw the Angel Gabriel at the foot of Gerard’s bed, weeping. Gerard was a saint, the nuns were certain. The ones He loves best, God takes first. When Gerard died in his mother’s arms, the nuns hung framed photos of Gerard in every classroom alongside the president and the Pope. Then the stories of Gerard’s sanctity started, how he had healed a starling’s broken wing with just a touch, how he could be both in church and in school simultaneously, how he could smell the presence of sin, how the statue of the Virgin Mary on the altar had wept at the moment of Gerard’s passing.

What Father Tom will admit to if they ask-because it’s pretty normal anyway-is that there are two selves in him. There’s the self you see, the Father Tom he wants to be, the he who is pastoral, devout, compassionate, prudent…and what else? Vulnerable? Yes. And washed in the blood of the Lamb. And this is the bona fide Father Tom Mulcahy. And then there is the sinner, the carnal scoundrel who is impulsive, selfish, devious, and insatiable, a wolf inside who knows the secret of Father Tom’s loneliness and hunger, and who would, if he could, twist Father Tom’s selfless love and earnest affection into something loathsome and viperous. Father Tom will admit, this is to say, that he is indeed human and flawed, no better than they. And he’ll explain to them his obsessive vigilance and tenacity in the battle with his pernicious other, and how he has always vanquished the interloping demon and has done so at a staggering price.

One day after sledding and making snow angels, he and Gerard built a snowman in the small backyard, and his brother took the carrot for the nose and stuck it down there and made it a weenie and told Tom to get down on his knees and eat it. He wouldn’t, so Gerard pushed his face into the snow and sat on his head until Tom couldn’t breathe, and he was terrified and his mother wasn’t here to save him.

He hears a noise, like someone dropped a hymnal, but when he looks around, he sees no one. He says, “Mr. O’Toole?” and hears his voice echo. He listens to the howling wind and to his beating heart. And then he hears his sobbing mother say, Why Gerard, dear God? They are in the hospital and Tom is in a corner, peering past the nuns at his mother, prostrate on his dead brother’s bed. Why the beautiful one? she says.

Father Tom prays for wisdom, guidance, and deliverance. He’ll do God’s will, and if God wants him to suffer unjustly, then so be it. But he’s done with waiting. He’ll speak with this Judas, this traducer, this Lionel Ferry, and give him a chance to confess his lies and to accept God’s grace into his heart.

When Father Tom enters the sacristy, he’s surprised by a man in a cumbersome green snow suit standing in a puddle of melting snow. “Mr. O’Toole?” Father Tom says. A black balaclava covers most of the man’s face. His mustache is white with ice, and his glasses are opaque with fog. This man, who is apparently not Davy O’Toole, who is, Father Tom realizes, several inches shorter than the custodian, has a snowball in his left hand, which he lobs to Father Tom. When Father Tom catches the ball against his chest, the man swings what must be a club and strikes him on the side of his face, and he drops to the floor. His skull is shattered, he’s certain, but it doesn’t hurt. He hears the squeak of footsteps, hears the church door open, squeal, and slam shut. After several minutes, he opens the one eye that will, touches his face, and feels the drilling pain. His left ear is ringing.

Father Tom holds a handful of numbing snow over his swollen eye, presses the buzzer, and waits. He kicks aside some drifted snow and forces the storm door open. He knocks on the inside front door twice and then shave-and-a-haircut. A voice says, “Come in if you’re beautiful.” Father Tom drops the snow from his eye, shakes off as much snow as he can from his coat and slacks, steps inside the unlit parlor, and lets his eye adjust. “Hello!” He can see his breath. He can make out a sofa and a sleeping bag spread on the floor. He hears, “Be right with you. Gotta drain the lizard.”

The parlor is spare, grim, disordered, and in need of a good airing out and thorough cleaning. The flock wallpaper is peeling and water-stained. Next to the sleeping bag is a white plastic lawn chair stacked with magazines. There’s a small TV on the floor and a bookcase crammed with videotapes in black boxes. He hears, “Make yourself at home.” He steps around pizza boxes-pepperoni and sausage, or are those mouse droppings?-and piles of funky clothing and sits in an old wooden kitchen chair with a slat missing from the backrest. He notices an unframed paint-by-number portrait of Pope John Paul II hung over the light switch by the closed door to what had been Lionel’s bedroom. He sees those eyes that follow you around the room.

Lionel enters cradling a bottle of vodka. He’s wearing a waist-length leather jacket with an extravagant fur collar, black patent leather shoes, and no shirt. His khaki chinos have been pissed in.

“Train?”

“Tommy Gun!”

“What’s happened to you?”

“That’s what we called you behind your back.”

“You don’t have to live like this.”

“Your eye?”

“I fell.”

Lionel flops onto the couch. “I’ve been expecting you.”

“You have?”

“For years.” He drinks.

“We need to talk.”

Lionel pats the sofa cushion. “Come sit with me.”

“I’m fine here.”

“I won’t bite.” He smiles. “I insist.”

Father Tom moves to the sofa. “Did you write me a letter?”

“I never mailed it.” Lionel touches Father Tom’s arm. “I forgive you, Father. But I can’t forget. That’s the difference between me and God.”

“I think you may have misunderstood my actions, Train.”

“Of course you do. Otherwise, how could you live with yourself?”

“You don’t want to do this to me.”

“Do you remember my father’s funeral? You drove me home from the cemetery.”

“Kevin was a good man.”

“He was an asshole.” Lionel sniffles and sips the vodka. His eyes water, and he knows he could cry, but there’ll be time for that later. “You bought me an ice-cream cone, pistachio with jimmies, and drove slowly. You said, ‘I know for a young boy like you, Train, this is an awful loss.’ By then you were patting my leg. You left your hand on my thigh…”

Father Tom unbuttons his coat and takes off his cap, pats down his thin, flyaway hair. He feels his forehead. He remembers those mornings in church when Jesus would come to him with His heart burning like a furnace, and the heat would blanket Tom, and he would sweat and lift his eyes to heaven, and Jesus would thrust a golden dart through his heart.

“…and then your hand was in your pants, and your face was all squinched up, and all I could do was stare out the window and hope it would end, and the ice cream melted and ran down my arm until it was all gone.”

“That did not happen, and I don’t know why you want to think it did. I was offering you comfort and solace. I knew what it felt like to hunger for human touch. My father never held me, Train. Ever. My mother never did after Gerard died.”

“Should I play my little violin?”

“I took your father’s place.”

“I’d wake up and you’d be in my bed.”

“On your bed. Watching you sleep, like fathers have always watched their sons and imagined brilliant futures for them.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“You were an affectionate boy. You brought out the tenderness in people. In me. And yes, I felt needed; I felt connected to another person for the first time since Gerard died.”

“Did you wonder how I felt?”

“If it was a problem for you, you should have told me. I would have respected that. I had an understanding with myself. I thought I had your permission.”

“If nothing sexual ever happened, why do I remember that it did?”