'Yeah, I think I am. I believe so. You know, I said I didn't kill him but I don't know if that's true. He was alive when I left but he could be dead by now. And if he isn't dead, shit, what's he got left? It was fucking butchery, what I did to him. Why couldn't I just shoot him in the head?
Bang and it's over.'
'Why didn't you?'
'I don't know. Maybe I was thinking eye for eye, tooth for tooth.
He gave her back to me in pieces so I'll show him piecework. Some of that, maybe. I don't know.' He shrugged. 'Fuck it, it's done. He lives or he dies, so what, it's over.'
I parked in front of my hotel and we both got out of the car and stood awkwardly on the curb. He
pointed to the flight bag and asked if I wanted some of the money.
I told him his retainer more than covered my time. Was I sure? Yes, I said. I was sure.
'Well,' he said. 'If you're sure. Give me a call some night, we'll have dinner. Will you do that?'
'Sure.'
'Take care now,' he said. 'Go get some sleep.'
Chapter 23
But I couldn't sleep.
I took a shower and got in bed, but I couldn't even find a position I was able to stay in for more than ten seconds. I was too restless even to think about sleeping.
I got up and shaved and put on fresh clothes, and I turned on the TV and made a circuit of the channels and switched the set off again. I went outside and walked around until I found a place where I could have a cup of coffee. It was past four and the bars were closed. I didn't feel like drinking, I hadn't even thought of a drink all night long, but I was just as happy the bars were closed.
I finished my coffee and walked around some more. I had a lot on my mind and it was easier to think it through if I was walking.
Eventually I went back to my hotel, and then a little after seven I caught a cab downtown and went to the seven-thirty meeting on Perry Street. It broke at eight-thirty, and I had breakfast at a Greek coffee shop on Greenwich Avenue and wondered if the owner would skim the sales tax, as Peter Khoury had said. I took a cab back to the hotel. Kenan would have been proud of me, I was taking cabs left and right.
I called Elaine when I got back to my room. Her machine picked up and I left a message and sat there waiting for her to call back. It was around ten-thirty when she did.
She said, 'I was hoping you would call. I've been wondering what happened. After that phone call—'
'A lot happened,' I said. 'I want to tell you about it. Can I come over?'
'Now?'
'Unless you have something planned.'
'Not a thing.'
I went downstairs and took my third cab of the morning. When she let me in her eyes searched my face and she looked troubled by what she found there. 'Come in,' she said. 'Sit down, I made coffee. Are you all right?'
'I'm fine,' I said. 'I didn't get to sleep last night, that's all.'
'Again? You're not going to make a habit of this, are you?'
'I don't think so,' I said.
She brought me a cup of coffee and we sat in her living room, she on the couch and I in a chair, and I started with my first conversation the previous day with Kenan Khoury and went all the way through to our last talk, when he dropped me at the Northwestern. She didn't interrupt, nor did her attention wander. I took a long time telling it, not leaving anything out, and reporting occasional conversations essentially verbatim. She hung on every word.
When I was done she said, 'I'm overwhelmed, I think. That's quite a story.'
'Just another night in Brooklyn.'
'Uh-huh. I'm surprised you told me all of it.'
'I am, too, in a way. It's not what I came here to tell you.'
'Oh?'
'But I didn't want to leave it untold,' I said, 'because I don't want to have things I don't tell you. And that is what I came here to tell you.
I've been going to meetings and saying things to a roomful of strangers that I don't let myself say to you, and that doesn't make sense to me.'
'I think I'm scared.'
'You're not the only one.'
'Do you want more coffee? I can—'
'No. I watched Kenan drive off this morning and I went upstairs and went to bed, and all I could think about was things I haven't said to you. You'd think what Kenan told me might keep a person awake, but it didn't even
