'You still do.'
He shook his head. 'No,' he said. 'It's slipping away. Whole thing's slipping away and I can't hold onto it.'
Chapter 31
We left the converted firehouse with me in the back seat and Chance wearing a chauffeur's cap. A few blocks away he pulled over and returned the cap to the glove compartment while I joined him in front.
The commuter traffic had pretty much thinned out by then and we made the trip into Manhattan quickly and in relative silence. We were a little aloof with each other, as if we'd already shared more than either of us had anticipated.
No messages at the desk. I went upstairs, changed my clothes, paused on the way out the door and got the .32 from my dresser drawer.
Was there any point in carrying a gun I seemed unable to fire? I couldn't see any, but I put it in my pocket anyway.
I went downstairs and bought a paper, and without thinking too much about it I walked around the corner and took a table in Armstrong's. My usual corner table. Trina came over, said it had been a long time, and took my order for a cheeseburger and a small salad and coffee.
After she headed for the kitchen I got a sudden flash of a martini, straight up and bone dry and ice cold in a stemmed glass. I could see it, I could smell the odor of juniper and the tang of a lemon twist. I could feel the bite as it hit bottom.
Jesus, I thought.
The urge for a drink passed as suddenly as it had come on me. I decided it was a reflex, a reaction to the atmosphere of Armstrong's. I'd done so much drinking here for so long, I'd been eighty-sixed here after my last bender, and I hadn't crossed the threshold since. It was only natural that I'd think of a drink.
It didn't mean I had to have one.
I ate my meal, drank a second cup of coffee afterward. I read my newspaper, paid my check, left a tip.
Then it was time to go over to St. Paul's.
The qualification was an alcoholic version of the American Dream.
The speaker was a poor boy from Worcester, Mass. who worked his way through college, rose to a vice- presidency at one of the television networks, then lost it all drinking. He went all the way down, wound up in Los Angeles drinking Sterno in Pershing Square, then found AA and got it all back.
It would have been inspiring if I could have kept my mind on it.
But my attention kept straying. I thought about Sunny's funeral, I thought about what Chance had told me, and I found my thoughts wandering all over the whole case, trying to make sense out of it.
Damnit, it was all there. I just wasn't looking at it right.
I left during the discussion, before it was my turn to speak. I didn't even feel like saying my name tonight.
I walked back to my hotel, fighting the urge to stop in at Armstrong's for a minute or two.
I called Durkin. He was out. I hung up without leaving a message and called Jan.
No answer. Well, she was probably still at her meeting. And she'd go out for coffee afterward, probably wouldn't get home until after eleven.
I could have stayed at my own meeting until it ended, then gone to coffee with some of the others. I could join them now, as far as that went. The Cobb's Corner where they hung out wasn't all that far away.
I thought about it. And decided I didn't really want to go there.
I picked up a book but couldn't make sense out of it. I tossed it down, got undressed, went into the bathroom and ran the shower. But I didn't need a shower, for Christ's sake, I just had a shower that morning, and the most strenuous activity I'd had all day was watching Chance working out with weights.
What the hell did I need with a shower?
I turned the water off and got dressed again.
Jesus, I felt like a caged lion. I picked up the phone. I might have called Chance but you couldn't just call the son of a bitch, you had to call his service and wait for him to call back, and I didn't feel like doing that. I called Jan, who was still out, and I called Durkin. He wasn't there either, and once again I decided against leaving a message.
Maybe he was at that place on Tenth Avenue, unwinding with a couple of belts. I thought about going over there and looking for him, and it struck me that it wasn't Durkin I'd be looking for, that all I wanted was an excuse to walk through the door of that bucket of blood and put my foot upon the brass rail.
Did they even have a brass rail? I closed my eyes and tried to picture the place, and in an instant I was recalling everything about it, the smells of spilled booze and stale beer and urine, that dank tavern smell that welcomes you home.
I thought, You've got nine days and you went to two meetings today, a noon meeting and an evening meeting, and you've never been closer to a drink. What the hell's the matter with you?
If I went to Durkin's boozer I'd drink. If I went to Farrell's or Polly's or Armstrong's I would drink. If I stayed in my room I'd go crazy, and when I went crazy enough I'd get away from those four walls and what would I do? I'd go out, to one bar or another, and I'd drink.
I made myself stay there. I'd gotten through the eighth day and there was no reason why I couldn't get through
