In the Midst of Death

Am I making any sense at all to you, Matthew?'

'Yes.'

'Maybe he did kill that woman. If he decided he ought to kill a person, I don't think he'd have any moralcompunctions about doing it.'

'Did he ever kill anyone in the line of duty?'

'No. He shot several criminals but none of them died.'

'Was he in the service?'

'He was based inGermany for a couple of years. He was never in combat.'

'Is he violent? Has he ever struck you?'

'No, never.Sometimes I've been afraid of him, but I couldn't explain why. He's never given me real reason for fear. I would leave any man who hit me.' She smiled bitterly. 'At least I think I would. But I once thought I'd leave any man who had other women. Why do we never know ourselves as well as we think we do, Matthew?'

'That's a good question.'

'I have so many good questions. I don't really know that man at all.

Isn't that remarkable? I've been married to him for all these years and I don't know him. I have never known him. Did he tell you why he decided to cooperate with the Special Prosecutor?'

'I was hoping he might have told you.'

She shook her head. 'And I have no idea whatsoever. But then I never know why he does things. Why did he marry me? Now there's a good question. There's what I'd call a damn good question, Matthew.

What did JeromeBroadfield see in mousy little Diana Cummings?'

'Oh, come on. You must know you're attractive.'

'I know I'm not ugly.'

'You're a lot more than not ugly.' And your hands perch upon your thigh like a pair of doves. And a man could get altogether lost in your eyes.

'I'm not very dramatic, Matthew.'

'I don't follow you.'

'How to explain?Let me see. Do you know how some actors can just walk onto a stage and every eye is drawn to them? It doesn't matter if someone else is in the middle of a speech. They just have so much dramatic quality that you have to look at them. I'm not like that, not at all. And of course Jerry is.'

'He's striking, certainly. His height probably has something to do with it.'

'It's more than that. He's tall and good-looking but it's more than that. There's a quality he has. People look at him on the street. They always have as long as I've known him. And don't think he doesn't work at it. Sometimes I've seen him at work on it, Matthew. I'll recognize a deliberately casual gesture that I've caught him using before, and I will know just how calculated it is, and at moments like that I can honestly despise the man.'

A car passed by outside. We sat, our eyes not quite meeting, and we listened to distant street sounds and private thoughts.

'You said you were divorced.'

'Yes.'

'Recently?'

'A few years.'

'Children?'

'Two boys.My wife has custody.'

'I have two girls and a boy. I must have told you that.'

'Sara and Jennifer and Eric.'

'You have a remarkable memory.' She looked at her hands. 'Is it better? Being divorced?'

'I don't know. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. I don't actually think of it in those terms because there wasn't really any choice involved. It had to be that way.'

'Your wife wanted the divorce.'

'No, I was the one who wanted it.The one who had to live alone.

But my wanting wasn't a matter of choice, if that makes any sense to you. I had to be by myself.'

'Are you still living alone?'

'Yes.'

'Do you enjoy it?'

'Does anyone?'

She was silent for a long moment. She sat with her hands gripping her knee, her head tilted back, her eyes closed, and her thoughts turned inward. Without opening her eyes she said, 'What's going to happen to Jerry?'