Matthew.'
'I don't think we can be casual with each other.'
'No, I don't suppose we can. I wish- I don't know what I wish.'
She lifted her glass and sipped. 'I'm probably going to get a little bit drunk tonight. Is that a bad idea?'
'It might be a good idea. Shall we have wine with the meal?'
'I'd like that. I suppose it's a bad sign, having to get a little drunk.'
'Well, I'm the last person to tell you it's a bad idea. I get a little bit drunk every day of my life.'
'Is that something I should be worried about?'
'I don't know.It's damned well something you should be aware of, Diana. You ought to know who you're getting involved with.'
'Are you analoholic ?'
'Well, what's an alcoholic? I suppose I drink enough alcohol to qualify. It doesn't keep me from functioning.Yet. I suppose it will eventually.'
'Could you stop drinking? Or cut down?'
'Probably.If I had a reason.'
The waitress brought our appetizers. I ordered a carafe of red wine.
Diana impaled a mussel with a little fork, paused with it halfway to her mouth. 'Maybe we shouldn't talk about this yet.'
'Maybe not.'
'I think we feel the same about most things. I think what we want is the same, and I think our fears are the same.'
'Or pretty close, at least.'
'Yes. Maybe you're no bargain, Matthew. I think that's what you've been trying to tell me. I'm no bargain myself. I don't drink, but I might as well. I just found a different way to retire from the human race.
I gave up being me. I feel- '
'Yes?'
'As if I've got a second chance.As if I had that chance all along, but you only have it when you know you have it. And I don't know if you're a part of that chance or if you just made me aware of it.' She put her fork on her plate, the mussel still gripped by the tines. 'Oh, I'm enormously confused. All the magazines tell me I'm just the right age for an identity crisis. Is that what this is or am I falling in love and how do you tell the difference? Do you have a cigarette?'
'I'll get some. What brand do you smoke?'
'I don't smoke. Oh, any brand.Winstons , I guess.'
I got a pack from the machine. I opened it, gave her a cigarette, took one for myself. I struck a match and her fingers fastened around my wrist as she got her cigarette going. The tips of her fingers were very cool.
She said, 'I have three young children. I have a husband in jail.'
'And you're taking up drinking and smoking. You're a mess, all right.'
'And you're a sweet man. Have I told you that before? It's still true.'
I saw to it that she had most of the wine with dinner. Afterward she had a pot of espresso and a little snifter of brandy. I went back to coffee and bourbon. We did a lot of talking and shared a lot of long silences.
These last were as communicative in their own way as our conversations.
It was close to midnight when I settled the tab. They were anxious to close, but our waitress had been very decent about letting us alone. I showed my appreciation of her forbearance with a tip that was probably excessive. I didn't care. I loved the whole world.
We went out and stood onNinth Avenue drinking the cold air. She discovered the moon and shared it with me. 'It's almost full. Isn't it beautiful?'
'Yes.'
'Sometimes I think I can almost feel the pull of the moon. Silly, isn't it?'
'I don't know. The sea feels it. That's why there are tides. And there's no denying that the moon influences human behavior. All cops know that. The crime rate changes with the moon.'
'Honest?'
'Uh-huh.Especially the weird crimes. The full moon makes people do odd things.'
'Like what?'
'Like kissing in public.'
A little later she said, 'Well, I don't know that that's odd. I think it's nice, actually.'
AT Armstrong's I ordered coffee and bourbon for both of us.
'Because I like the feeling I'm getting Matthew, but I don't want to get sleepy. And I liked the way it tasted the other day.'
