'Yes. I haven't been able to think of much else.'
'You expect me to end my life.'
'Your life is over, sir. It's just a question of how it finishes up.'
'And if I take these pills?'
'You leave a note. You're despondent over the death of your son, and you can't find it within yourself to go on living. It won't be that far from the truth, will it?'
'And if I refuse?'
'I go to the police Tuesday morning.'
He breathed deeply several times. Then he said, 'Do you honestly think it would be so bad to let me go on living my life, Mr. Scudder? I perform a valuable function, you know. I'm a good minister.'
'Perhaps you are.'
'I honestly think I do some good in this world. Not a great deal, but some. Is it illogical for me to want to go on doing good?'
'No.'
'And I am not a criminal, you know. I did kill... that girl.'
'Wendy Hanniford.'
'I killed her. Oh, you're so quick to see it as a calculated, cold-blooded act, aren't you? Do you know how many times I swore not to see her again? Do you know how many nights I lay awake, wrestling with demons? Do you even know how many times I went to her apartment with my razor in my pocket, torn between the desire to slay her and the fear of committing such a monstrous sin? Do you know any of that?'
I didn't say anything.
'I killed her. Whatever happens, I will never kill anyone again. Can you honestly say I constitute a danger to society?'
'Yes.'
'How?'
'It's bad for society when murders remain unpunished.'
'But if I do as you suggest, no one will know I've taken my life for that reason. No one will know I was punished for murder.'
'I'll know.'
'You'd be judge and jury, then. Is that right?'
'No. You will, sir.'
He closed his eyes, leaned back in his chair. I wanted another drink, but I let the flask stay in my pocket. The headache was still there. The aspirin hadn't even touched it.
'I regard suicide as a sin, Mr. Scudder.'
'So do I.'
'You do?'
'Absolutely. If I didn't I probably would have killed myself years ago. There are worse sins.'
'Murder.'
'That's one of them.'
He fixed his eyes on me. 'Do you think I am an evil man, Mr. Scudder?'
'I'm not an expert on that. Good and evil. I have a lot of trouble figuring those things out.'
'Answer my question.'
'I think you've had good intentions. You were talking about that earlier.'
'And I've paved a road to Hell?'
'Well, I don't know where the road leads, but there are a lot of wrecks along the highway, aren't there?
Your wife committed suicide. Your mistress got slashed to death. Your son went crazy and hanged himself for something he didn't do. Does that make you good or evil? You'll have to work that one out for yourself.'
'You intend to go to the police Tuesday morning.'
'If I have to.'
'And otherwise you'll keep your silence.'
'Yes.'
'Ah, and what about you, Mr. Scudder? Are you a force for good or evil?
I'm sure you've asked yourself the question.'
'Now and then.'
