turned on the light and closed and locked the door and held my hands at arm's length and watched the fingers tremble.
I made myself a stiff drink and then I made myself drink it. For a moment or two my stomach picked up the shakes from my hands and I didn't think the whiskey was going to stay down, but it did. I wrote some letters and numbers on a piece of paper and put it in my wallet. I got out of my clothes and stood under the shower to wash off a coating of sweat. The worst sort of sweat, composed of equal parts of exertion and animal fear.
I was toweling dry when the phone rang. I didn't want to pick it up. I knew what I was going to hear.
'That was just a warning, Scudder.'
'Bullshit. You were trying. You're just not good enough.'
'When we try, we don't miss.'
I told him to fuck off and hung up. I picked it up a few seconds later and told Isaiah no calls before nine, at which time I wanted a wake-up call.
Then I got into bed to see whether I could sleep.
I slept better than I'd expected. I woke up only twice during the night, and both times it was the same dream, and it would have bored a Freudian psychiatrist to tears. It was a very literal dream, no symbols to it at all. Pure reenactment, from the moment I left Armstrong's to the moment the car closed on me, except that in the dream the driver had the necessary skill and balls to go all the way, and just as I knew he was going to put me between the rock and the hard place, I woke up, with my hands in fists and my heart hammering.
I guess it's a protective mechanism, dreaming like that. Your unconscious mind takes the things you can't handle and plays with them while you sleep until some of the sharp corners are worn off. I don't know how much good those dreams did, but when I awoke for the third and last time a half-hour before I was supposed to get my wake-up call, I felt a little better about things. It seemed to me that I had a lot to feel good about. Someone had tried for me, and that's what I had been looking to provoke all along. And someone had missed, and that was also as I wanted it.
I thought about the phone call. It had not been the Marlboro man. I was reasonably certain of that. The voice I'd heard was older, probably around my own age, and it had had the flavor ofNew York streets in its tones.
So there looked to be at least two of them in on it. That didn't tell me much, but it was something else to know, another fact to file and forget. Had there been more than one person in the car? I tried to remember what I had seen in the brief glimpse I'd had while the car was bearing down on me. I hadn't seen much, not with the headlights pitched right at my eyes. And by the time I'd turned for a look at the departing car, it was already a good distance past me and moving fast. And I'd been more intent on catching the plate number than counting heads.
I went downstairs for breakfast, but couldn't manage more than a cup of coffee and a piece of toast. I bought a pack of cigarettes out of the machine and smoked three of them with my coffee. They were the first I'd had in almost two months, and I couldn't have gotten a better hit if I'd punched them right into a vein.
They made me dizzy but in a nice way. After I'd finished the three, I left the pack on the table and went outside.
I went down toCentre Street and found my way to the Auto Squad room. A pink-cheeked kid who looked to be fresh out of John Jay asked if he could help me.
There were half a dozen cops in the room, and I didn't recognize any of them. I asked if Ray Landauer was around.
'Retired a few months ago,' he said. To one of the others he called, 'Hey, Jerry, when did Ray retire anyway?'
'Musta been October.'
He turned to me. 'Ray retired in October,' he said. 'Can I help you?'
'It was personal,' I said.
'I can find his address if you want to give me a minute.'
I told him it wasn't important. It surprised me that Ray had packed it in. He didn't seem old enough to
retire. But he was older than me, come to think of it, and I had had fifteen years on the force and had been off it for more than five, so that made me retirement age myself.
Maybe the kid would have given me a peek at the hot-car sheet. But I would have had to tell him who I was and go through a lot of bullshit that wouldn't be necessary with someone I knew. So I left the building and started walking toward the subway. When an empty cab came along, I changed my mind and grabbed it. I told the driver I wanted the Sixth Precinct.
He didn't know where it was. A few years ago, if you wanted to drive a cab you had to be able to name the nearest hospital or police station or firehouse from any point in the city. I don't know when they dropped the test, but now all you have to do is be alive.
I told him it was on West Tenth, and he got there without too much trouble. I found Eddie Koehler in his office. He was reading something in the News, and it wasn't making him happy.
'Fucking Special Prosecutor,' he said. 'What's a guy like this accomplish except aggravate people?'
'He gets his name in the papers a lot.'
'Yeah. Figure he wants to be governor?'
I thought of Huysendahl. 'Everybody wants to be governor.'
'That's the fucking truth. Why do you figure that is?'
'You're asking the wrong person, Eddie. I can't figure out why anybody wants to be anything.'
His cool eyes appraised me. 'Shit, you always wanted to be a cop.'
