Ltd, Copyright 1938 by Ogden Nash, Renewed) is reprinted by permission of
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Extract from Catch-22 by Joseph Heller is reproduced by permission of the
author.
Extract from The Fiddler ofDooney by W. B. Yeats is reproduced by
permission of A. P. Watt Ltd on behalf of Michael B. Yeats, and Simon &
Schuster Inc. Extract from Come to Think of It by G. K. Chesterton is
reproduced by kind permission of A. P. Watt Limited on behalf of the Royal
Literary Fund.
Extract from Oxford by Jan Morris is reproduced by permission of Oxford
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Extract from Lovelace Bkeding by Roy Dean reproduced by permission of the
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Extract from Night-wood by Djuna Barnes is reproduced by permission of the
author and Faber and Faber Ltd.
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the necessary arrangement at the first opportunity.
Ensanguining the skies How heavily it dies Into the west away; Past touch
and sight and sound Not further to be found How hopeless under ground Falls
the remorseful day, (A. E. Housman, More Poems, XVI) When I wrote my 1997
letter I thought I had little to look forward to in 1998, but it turns out
that I was stupidly optimistic (David Mackenzie, On the Dole in Darlington)
prolegomenon As o'cr me now them lean' st thy breast, With larder'd bodice
crisply pressed, Lief I'd prolong my grievous ill Wert thou my guardian angel
still (Edmund Raikes, 1537-65, The Nurse) 'So I often hook my foot over the
side of the mattress.'
'You what?'
'Sort of anchors me to my side of the bed.'
'Double bed?'
'Not unknown is it, for a married couple? People can share the same bed but
not the same thoughts old Chinese saying.'
'Still makes me jealous.'
'Idiot!'
'Everybody gets a bit jealous sometimes.'
'Not everybody.'
'Not you, nurse?'
'I've just learned not to show it, that's all. And it's none of your
business in any case.'
'Sorry.'
'How I hate men who say ' sorry'!'
'I promise not to say it again, miss.'
'And will you promise me something else? To be a bit more honest with
yourself- and with me?'
'Scout's honour!'
'I can't believe you were ever in the Scouts.'
'Well, no, but. . .'
'Shall I test you?'
'Test me?'
'Would you like me to jump into bed with you now?'
'Yes!'
'You're quick on the buzzer.'
'Next question?'
'Do you think I'd like to jump into bed with you?'
'I'd like to think so.'
'What about the other patients?'
'You could draw the curtains.'
'What excuse . . . ?'
'You could always take my blood pressure.'
'Again?
'Why not?'
'We know all about your blood pressure. High very high especially when I'm
around.'
'It's those black stockings of yours.'
'You're a stocking-tops man!'
'Nice word, isn't it stocking-tops?'
'If only you weren't stuck in this bloody ward!'
'I can always discharge myself.'
'Not a wise move, good sir not in your case.'
'What time are you off duty?'
'Half-eight.'
'What'll you do then?'
'Off home. I'm expecting a phone call.'
'You're trying to make me jealous again.'
'After that, I suppose I'll just poke the thin gummy you know, around the
four channels.'
'Five, now.'
'We don't get the new one.'
'What about Sky?'
'In our village, satellite dishes are most definitely discouraged.'
'You could always take a video home.'
'No need. We've got lots of videos. You should see some of them you know,
the sex ones.'
'You watch that sort of thing?'
'When I'm in the mood.'
'When's that?'
'Most of the time.'
'And even if you aren't in the mood?'
'Oh yes! They soon turn anybody on. Haven't you seen some of these
Amsterdam videos? All sorts of bizarre things they get up to.'
'I haven't seen them, no.'
'Would you like to?'
'I'm not quite sure I would, no.'
'Not even if you watched them with me?'
'Please, nurse, am I allowed to change my mind?'
'We could arrange a joint viewing.'
'How how bizarre's bizarre?'
'Well, in one of 'em there's this woman about my age lovely figure wrists
tied to the top of the four-poster bed ankles ded to the bottom .. .'
'Go on.'
'Well, there's these two young studs one black, one white' ' No racial
discrimination, then? '
' - and they just take turns, you know. '
'Raping her .. .'
'You're so naive, aren't you? She wouldn't have been in the bloody
