listened to them.
'The whole time we were together, all he was interested in was ME.
Whether I was hurt or not, whether I was happy or not, whether I was ready or not. And when he talked to me, he did it like I was smart enough to understand what he was saying. He explained things he thought he needed to – and he did! – and made sure I understood that anything that happened between us was MY choice; that he wasn't going to do anything to rush me or hurt me. He didn't, either – a couple of times, I had to push him, a little! It wasn't any one thing he did or said, it was all of it, together. He was patient, he cared what happened, he worried about me, he showed me that I could trust him completely, he treated me like I was someone that mattered, he was gentle, he was considerate, and all the things you'd think that someone that loved you would do. He showed me he cared, then talked to me to help me feel better, and showed me again that I mattered to him. If that isn't love, it's damn well close enough for me!', Sandra answered.
They looked at her, doubtfully, and Jan spoke up, telling them 'She's not making it up – he really IS like that. All the time. With everybody that behaves decently around him. And by 'decently', I don't mean about sex stuff, but how they behave toward other people. Nobody else knows this, but when Kelly and I decided to try and make Mary Alice and Kathy sorry about getting us so upset, it was Uncle Dan that helped us do it.
He was supposed to act like he was mad at them, and Kelly and I were supposed to pretend to calm him down – but he acted so good, we thought he was really serious! He scared the hell out of me, and did scare Kathy so bad she wet herself when he yelled at them!'
Here, Robyn stared down into her lap as she told them 'I was a stinker about how I made Kelly and Jan so upset and unhappy. When Kim and I were over here, and they talked to us, Dan was still polite to me; and that only made it worse for me, knowing how nice he was, and that I had done something bad to Kelly and Jan. But when I wanted to apologize to him, he was still nice enough to let me in to talk to him. The way he talked to me really hurt, but I also knew that he was being absolutely fair – he was talking to me the way I showed him I deserved to be talked to.
But after I talked to him, and told him what I'd learned from it, he was also willing to give me another chance.' Here, she lifted her head long enough to look over at me with something akin to worship in her eyes, before dropping her head again, and continuing 'He didn't have to do that. And I wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't – I knew I'd been a real turd, and deserved whatever he wanted to think about me. But he did, I guess because he knew that I really was sorry, and that I really did learn something, and I would have been really sad if I lost Jan and Kelly's friendship. He seemed to understand all of that, and I know he really did care about me, and how bad I felt, and that's why he was willing to give me another chance.'
They were all getting a little misty-eyed, so Kelly offered up her own thoughts: 'That's how Dan is. You remember how he acted when we had the fashion show, right? He's like that with everybody, when he first meets them: he's patient and gentle, until they SHOW him that they don't deserve it; after that, he treats them the way they act. Remember how he acted when Phil showed up? How he tried to be patient and talk to Phil and avoid any trouble? But when Phil got all mean, Dan didn't hesitate to put himself between Phil and Susan – or any of us, for that matter.
And when they finally wanted to fight, Dan stood right up there, and took care of them – but only enough to make them stop,
And after those guys left, he came over to comfort us; it was like he went from being a grizzly bear to a teddy bear. That's Dan. He's as gentle and caring and all that as people let him be; but he's not afraid to stand up for what he thinks is right, no matter what else happens – just like he did when I wanted to move here with him, and we were worried that my folks might make a fuss. Dan didn't want any problems, and did everything he could think of to avoid them – but he was damn well ready to take them on if he had to. He didn't do that because he just wanted me in his bed – he knew I'd be happy to share it with him, any time, any place. He did it because he cared what happened in my life, and he knew that I was as UNhappy at home as I was happy to be with him. Even though I live with him, and we share anything and everything we can, I know that he doesn't have any idea that I somehow 'belong' to him – I've got my own checking and savings accounts, and he has never asked me about them, other than to make sure I didn't have any trouble getting them started. If I want to do something alone, I can, it's not a problem for him. If there's something he wants us to do together, he asks me, beforehand – and makes sure I know that it's an invitation, not a request or demand. Since I've moved in with him, I've only been unhappy and sad a few times – and every single time I've felt that way, he's been there to offer his support; he listens to me, and talks to me, and makes me feel better – and while he's holding me, I*know* that he's doing it to make me feel better, and comfort me, and nothing else.'
Jan took over, saying 'I think Kelly and I have both asked him what must have seemed like pretty goofy questions; I know some of mine must have been. But he never, ever laughed at us, or made us feel stupid or little – if he didn't understand the question, he'd ask us to explain. When he knew what we were after, he'd answer us, just like he'd answer anything else we asked him. He's always willing to explain things to us – and he's always completely fair and honest about what he says; he always makes sure we understand what he's saying, so that we can decide for ourselves about what he tells us. Some of the stuff, we don't agree on – but we still respect each other as having honestly come to our own decisions. With everything he does and says, he lets us know that he loves us – in exactly the way he told you all about, when he was talking to Susan.'
Here, Sandra spoke up again, saying 'Yeah, that's it, exactly. I know he's smart, and when he talks to me, he lets me know that he thinks I'm smart, too. And when he shows me that he cares about me, it makes me feel good about myself, and makes me care about him, too. When he's patient with me, I know it, and it makes me want to do better, so that he doesn't have to be patient – not because I feel bad, but just because I want to get better, like him.' She stopped suddenly, and all of them got quiet as they watched her, deep in concentration as she was obviously thinking about something. Finally, she came back to us with a little bit of a start, and said 'That's it! You're right! The trading and values and all of that are exactly right. I do love Dan, because of all the reasons you said: we do trade values – his caring and mine; his smarts and mine; his affection and mine. Even when it isn't exactly even – like when he's patient with me – it's still a trade, with him offering the most: he's patient with me, and he's trusting that I'll learn something, and be able to figure things out myself, so that later, I'll be able to keep up with him, and he won't have to be patient while I try to catch up! He wants to trade with me – he offers me the best he can do with himself, and trusts me to try to do the best I can with myself, to make it a fair trade. He understands that I don't know as much about everything as he does, so he's willing to accept the best that I do have to offer, so that I'll still be there when I am more like him!' She turned to look at me with a mix of wonder and amazement on her face, saying 'Dear God! How much you must have inside to be able to do that! And with so many of us! How lonely you must sometimes feel!'
– and with that, got up and flung herself at me in the chair, hugging me ferociously and crying in big, wracking sobs into my chest.
I put my arms around her, and held her, patting her softly on the back as I whispered words of encouragement and consolation to her; after a bit, Jan and Kelly got up, too, and sat on the arms of the chair, leaning down to offer their own support to her.
When I glanced over at the three on the couch, I could see surprise on all of their faces; Susan and Candice both looked vaguely confused, but Robyn had a thoughtful look, as though she was thinking through what Sandra had just said.
Eventually, the three of us managed to get Sandra settled down. Before she left my lap, though, she sat up to look at me, and calmly said 'I owe you more than I can ever repay, for all that you've taught me. I truly understand, now, what you've given me.'
With a steady look, I told her 'Sandra, the debt is not to me – it's to the rest, that don't know, but want to. Whatever you've gotten from me, offer it to them.'
She nodded, soberly, and after an exchange of knowing looks with Jan and Kelly, went back to where she'd been on the floor. Jan moved to be with her, while Kelly took up station on my lap, her legs tucked next to her, and leaning against my chest.
Sandra turned to Robyn, Susan, and Candice, telling them 'I'm sorry about making a fuss. It was just that, all of a sudden, everything Dan has said and done made sense – it was like it all came together, in one perfect moment, and I really, truly understood him, and what he does, and why. Now I know that I do love him, fully and completely, without hesitation or reservation. If I never see him again, if he and I never make love again, I will still be this happy, because of what I've gotten from him.'
