“You said this slavery was a pleasure for you. I thought so myself.”
“You thought so,” I cried with some strange pleasure. “Ah, how good such naivete is coming from you! Well, yes, yes, to be enslaved to you is a pleasure. There is, there is pleasure in the ultimate degree of humiliation and insignificance!” I went on raving. “Devil knows, maybe there is in the knout, too, when the knout comes down on your back and tears your flesh to pieces…But may be I want to try other pleasures as well. Earlier at the table, in your presence, the general read me a lesson, because of the seven hundred roubles a year which I still may not even get from him. The marquis des Grieux raises his eyebrows, scrutinizes me, and at the same time doesn’t notice me. And maybe I, for my part, passionately desire to take the marquis des Grieux by the nose in your presence?”
“A milksop’s talk. One can behave with dignity in any situation. If there’s a struggle involved, it’s elevating, not humiliating.”
“Straight out of a copybook! Just try to suppose that I may not know how to behave with dignity. That is, perhaps I’m a dignified man, but I don’t know how to behave with dignity. Do you understand that it may be so? All Russians are that way, and you know why? Because Russians are too richly and multifariously endowed to be able to find a decent form for themselves very quickly. It’s a matter of form. For the most part, we Russians are so richly endowed that it takes genius for us to find a decent form. Well, but most often there is no genius, because generally it rarely occurs. It’s only the French, and perhaps some few other Europeans, who have so well-defined a form that one can look extremely dignified and yet be a most undignified man. That’s why form means so much to them. A Frenchman can suffer an insult, a real, heartfelt insult, and not wince, but a flick on the nose he won’t suffer for anything, because it’s a violation of the accepted and time-honored form of decency. That’s why our young ladies fall so much for Frenchmen, because they have good form. In my opinion, however, there’s no form there, but only a rooster,
“Maybe that’s why you count on buying me with money,” she said, “since you don’t believe in my nobility?”
“When did I ever count on buying you with money?” I cried.
“Your tongue ran away with you and you lost your thread. If it’s not me, it’s my respect you think you can buy with money.”
“Well, no, that’s not so at all. I told you, it’s hard for me to explain. You intimidate me. Don’t be angry at my babbling. You see why it’s impossible to be angry with me: I’m simply mad. But, anyhow, it’s all the same to me if you are angry. When I’m upstairs in my little room, I only have to remember and imagine the rustle of your dress, and I’m ready to bite my hands. And why are you angry with me? Because I call myself a slave? Avail yourself, avail yourself of my slavery, avail yourself! Someday I’ll kill you, do you know that? Not because I’ve fallen out of love or become jealous, but—just so, simply kill you, because I sometimes long to eat you up. You’re laughing…”
“I’m not laughing at all,” she said with wrath. “I order you to be silent.”
She stopped, barely able to breathe from wrath. By God, I don’t know whether she was good-looking or not, but I always liked looking at her when she stood before me like that, and so I often liked to provoke her wrath. I told her that.
“What filth!” she exclaimed with disgust.
“It makes no difference to me,” I went on. “Do you know, too, that it’s dangerous for us to go about together: many times I’ve had an irrepressible longing to beat you, to mutilate you, to strangle you. And what do you think, won’t it come to that? You’ll drive me to delirium. Am I afraid of a scandal? Of your wrath? What is your wrath to me? I love without hope, and I know that after that I’ll love you a thousand times more. If I ever kill you, I’ll have to kill myself, too; well, so—I’ll put off killing myself for as long as I can, in order to feel this unbearable pain of being without you. Do you know an incredible thing: I love you
“What stupid babble!” she cried.
“It’s none of my affair whether it’s stupid or intelligent,” I cried. “I know that in your presence I have to talk, talk, talk—and so I talk. I lose all self-respect in your presence, and it makes no difference to me.”
“Why should I make you jump off the Schlangenberg?” she said dryly and somehow especially offensively. “It would be completely useless to me.”
“Splendid!” I cried. “You said that splendid ‘useless’ on purpose, in order to intimidate me. I see right through you. Useless, you say? But pleasure is always useful, and wild, boundless power—if only over a fly—is also a pleasure of a certain sort. Man is a despot by nature and likes to play the torturer. You like it terribly.”
I remember she studied me with some especially close attention. It must be that my face then expressed all my senseless and absurd feelings. I recall now that our conversation actually went on like that almost word for word, as I’ve described it here. My eyes were bloodshot. Froth clotted on the edges of my lips. And as for the Schlangenberg, I swear on my honor even now: if she had ordered me to throw myself down then, I would have done it! If she had said it only as a joke, said it with contempt, spitting on me—even then I would have jumped!
“No, why, I believe you,” she said, but as only she knows how to speak sometimes, with such contempt and sarcasm, with such arrogance, that, by God, I could have killed her at that moment. She was taking a risk. I also wasn’t lying about that, talking to her.
“Are you a coward?” she asked me suddenly.
“I don’t know, maybe I am. I don’t know…I haven’t thought about it for a long time.”
“If I told you: kill this man, would you kill him?”
“Who?”
“Whoever I wanted.”
“The Frenchman?”
“Don’t ask, answer—whoever I point to. I want to know whether you were speaking seriously just now.” She waited so seriously and impatiently for my reply that I felt somehow strange.
“But will you tell me, finally, what’s going on here?” I cried. “Are you afraid of me, or what? I myself can see all the disorders here. You’re the stepdaughter of a ruined and crazy man, infected with a passion for that she- devil—Blanche; then there’s this Frenchman with his mysterious influence over you, and—now you ask me so seriously…such a question. At any rate let me know: otherwise I’ll go mad right here and do something. Or are you ashamed to honor me with your candor? Can you really be ashamed with me?”
“I’m not talking about that at all. I asked you and I’m waiting for a reply.”
“Of course I’ll kill,” I cried, “whoever you order me to, but can you really…would you really order that?”
“What do you think, that I’ll feel sorry for you? I’ll order you to do it, and stay out of it myself. Can you bear that? No, how could you! You might kill on orders and then come and kill me for having dared to send you.”
It was as if something hit me on the head at these words. Of course, even then I considered her question half as a joke, as a challenge; but all the same she said it much too seriously. All the same, I was struck by her speaking it out like that, by her having such a right over me, accepting such power over me, and saying so directly: “Go to your ruin, and I’ll stay out of it.” There was something so cynical and frank in these words that, in my opinion, it was far too much. So that’s how she looks at me then? This was going beyond the bounds of slavery and nonentity. To have such a view is to raise a man to one’s own level. And however absurd, however unbelievable our whole conversation was, my heart shook.
Suddenly she burst out laughing. We were sitting on a bench then in front of the playing children, across
