A Stolen Life

future because I felt I didn’t have one.

Nancy gave me a book on trees and I copied it word for word into a book I made. Nancy would always bring me something new when she came to check on me, like a new book or new crayons. This made me think she was really starting to like me. I thought she was so nice to take the time to come and see me even though she said it was hard for her. I had my own standing toilet with a built-in bucket. Phillip would empty it outside somewhere in the yard, he said. This took me a little bit to get used to. I had never used anything but a regular toilet that flushed. I thought it was gross that he was putting that kind of waste in the yard but grew used to it over time. With time, I grew used to all kinds of things. Sometimes my bucket would get so full that I would have to hold it in when I had to go. I remember one time I had to go so badly that I did it in the garbage can. Toilet paper was scarce, too. I would reuse some of the ones that just had dried pee; I know that sounds gross, but what do you use when you have to go and don’t have anything? No running water, no way to go get what you need? I used what I had. I survived. There was this daddy longlegs spider up in the corner of the ceiling next to the toilet. I named her Bianca and I would talk to her (maybe I watched Charlotte’s Web a few too many times). I was eleven or twelve at the time and had a very active imagination.

Sometimes I feel bad for not missing Nancy. But for the most part it is a relief for me to not have to endure her moods and the jealousy she harbored. She did have several opportunities to let me go, and I might never know why she chose not to.

Easter: Phillip on an Island

Nancy comes to bring me dinner. She says it’s a special Easter dinner. Its 1993. I am thirteen years old. I do not feel thirteen. I still feel eleven. I don’t feel like a teenager. Dinner is corned beef and cabbage. It’s good. Usually they bring me fast food. So it’s nice when I get a home-cooked meal. I tell her I’m so lonely to please stay and chat for a little bit and she says she will. I have asked her in the past to stay, but sometimes she says she can’t because she feels guilty for taking me. She says it’s hard for her to be with me. She tells me she wished and prayed the morning they took me that Phillip would get a migraine and not be able to go through with it. I think to myself, Me, too. As I finish my dinner she tells me about her day at work at the old folks’ home. She says she enjoys her job but doesn’t like all the girls she works with. She says they gossip a lot. She tells me that Phillip is so sweet, how he comes to visit her on her breaks and brings her flowers. Sometimes they go back to the van and smoke weed or she takes a hit of the pipe with crank in it. She says the crank helps her stay thin. She doesn’t want to get fat. I think that’s weird she spends so much time worrying about her weight. I don’t think Phillip helps with her image when he talks about the other girls that look at him. The two of them have such a strange relationship.

She asks me things like what music I like and I tell her I like Disney songs. I also like Mariah Carey, Wilson Phillips, and Whitney Houston. I just want her to like me. I really hope she likes me. For some reason I get the feeling she doesn’t like me. She says after a while that she needs to go but will be sleeping with me back here tonight. There was a movie she wanted to watch called The Unborn; she said she liked scary movies. So I acted like I wanted to see it. I didn’t really want to watch a scary movie, but I wanted her to be happy with me. I expected to see Phillip sometime during the day, but he never came in. I tried to think of the last time I had seen him and decided it had been a few days at least. I wonder where he was. I was relieved for the release from the sex, but I knew the longer he went without it, the longer the next “run” would be. I feared his return.

That night, Nancy comes in and locks the iron door behind her. I thought it was strange because she usually slept wherever Phillip slept. I asked where he was. She said he went to live on an island with a rich friend for a while. She said he’d be gone for a month. Wow! A WHOLE MONTH WITH NO SEX! I am so excited inside. But she looks sad, so I just say, “Fine.” The movie starts and it’s scary and kind of disgusting with the baby walking around and killing people. Yuck! Then we hear a noise outside and we both jump. Nancy says she’s scared to go see what it was but thinks she better, so she unlocks the door and goes outside. She’s back in less than a minute and says everything looks okay. That the dogs were not barking, so everything must be okay. She says I can sleep with her in the big bed, and I’m grateful because I didn’t want to sleep alone. By now the pullout couch has been replaced with a real mattress. I like it a lot better because it doesn’t squeak like the other pullout couch did. We go to bed. In the morning she wakes up and leaves. I probably won’t see her until dinnertime. The loneliness sets in again.

A few weeks later when Phillip returns, he comes “next door” where I am being kept. I actually feel happy to see him. He has been gone awhile. I missed having someone to talk to. Nancy doesn’t say much and she cries a lot. It is hard to know what she wants, and I don’t quite know what to say to her at times. She reminds me of a turtle; you can never quite know what a turtle is thinking. Phillip is easier to relate to; at least I know what he is thinking. Phillip makes me laugh with all his jokes and antics. He says he learned so much while he was away. He has come back with a device on his ankle, which I find strange. He tells me that he was sent back to prison for the month. He wasn’t really on an island with a rich friend. He said the police had found some drugs in the house and arrested him for parole violation. He added it was Nancy’s pipe that they had found. She had forgotten that she had put it in a drawer in the house. He asked if Nancy had taken good care of me and I said yes. He talked for a while longer and then took a nap on the bed, while I read quietly, wondering inside would this be the end of him hurting me? Somehow knowing it wasn’t.

Christmas

The Today show says that today is December 25, 1993. It is day 907 of my captivity. It is Christmas Day. I am alone. I am mostly always alone. No one to talk to; no one to hug me unless Phillip comes in. He gives me hugs sometimes and makes me feel loved. But am I really? Will I always feel this alone? I try not to dwell on the things I don’t have. Phillip thanks me for helping him with his problem. He said he is reading the Bible now and God is helping him, too. I hate the sex so much, but at least it’s not as bad as last year. Phillip has made the “runs” a lot shorter and he hasn’t been taking any drugs in between. He says he’s trying to quit. The last “run” was a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes he comes in for a quick masturbation, but at least he doesn’t always stick it in me. He says he saves it now for the “runs.” I hate drugs, I wish he wouldn’t take them. I think they turn him into another person. He seems nice the rest of the time. That’s how I get through the sex, I just tell myself it will be over and he will come back and be the “nice” person I think he can be. I just have to get past feeling the pain.

He seems to have an opinion on everything, especially religion. Ever since he came back from his stay at the prison he has been reading the Bible a lot. He says the mysteries of the Bible are becoming clear to him. He doesn’t seem really religious to me. The “runs” have been really scary lately, but I’m getting used to them. At least I know what to expect. He likes to follow a routine mostly. He’s been acting strange lately, though. He thinks he hears voices from the TV even when it’s muted. He asks me if I can hear it, too, and I say I don’t hear anything, but sometimes I’m afraid to disagree with him. He bought this device called Bionic Ears and he puts it up to the wall and puts on headphones and listens to the wall for hours. On the one hand, it’s great because I don’t have to jack him off or anything, but it’s weird, too. What does he hear? He says he hears conversations and people’s voices. I don’t pay much attention, it gives me the opportunity to get some rest.