SEPTEMBER 4, 2004
I’m just surging with anger right now. I can’t help it. I think what he did is wrong. Why couldn’t he just once give in and not be so controlling! It helps to write these feelings down. I can’t talk to him. He overpowers me with his words in no time. Then there’s the fact that I can’t put what I’m trying to say in the right way. What I want to say never comes out the way I envision it in my head. Why is that? I wonder if I could have prevented the fight by going out there myself, then again maybe he would have told me the same things. If I told him any of my feelings he would immediately tell me “the angels are controlling you.” I need him to give me the freedom to talk to him, but right now that’s not going to happen. So I will just let these feelings flow through me and out this pencil. It’s weird, but I already feel the tension leaving me and soon I will only be left with the memory of this night to think about and analyze, rethink, and come to a conclusion about what to do. Maybe the tension is leaving me because I’m no longer around him; I’m out here in my own space. I love my tent! It’s my own space to do with as I wish. As soon as I see him again, all I want to do is tell him how wrong he was to do that. But he will never take responsibility for what he does. It’s always someone else’s fault, the angels now mostly. If I confronted him, he would just think I’m being controlled to say these things by the angels and that would get me nowhere. Sometimes I wish I could live very far away from him [Phillip]; sometimes I dream about it.
OCTOBER 3, 2004
Sometimes I think the memories from what he did to me would fade more quickly if I didn’t have to see him every day 24/7. It’s hard. And I hate the memories from that time. I want them to go away forever. I miss her. I would give anything if she could just hold me one more time. Would she let me go again? It’s nights like this I wish for someone to hold me safe. Neo is here and he brings me comfort, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him with me.
1. Lose weight
2. Do yoga in the morning
3. Write more
4. Learn something new
5. See all the people I care about
6. Learn 2 different languages
7. Learn to paraglide
8. Travel around the world
9. Learn to snorkel
10. See my mom
MARCH 28, 2006
1. See Mom
2. See Pyramids
3. Ride in a hot-air balloon
4. Learn to drive
5. Swim with dolphins
6. Touch a whale
7. Take a train ride
8. Learn to sail an old-fashioned sailing ship
9. Write a best seller
10. Horseback ride on the beach every day
This is one of the Bible studies Phillip made us sit through:
John 1:1
Wisdom was created before everything.
God represents a way of living one’s life. God holds and stands by wisdom, love, and justice. They are one.
[The]woman is in all of us. She represents our subconscious. She is inside of us always making good and bad decisions. Man represents male and female. The garden or field in the Bible is the inner workings of our minds. God developed man [humans, male and female] through stages in the evolution of our minds. We as humans have not yet awakened from the deep sleep and we have not become one with our inner woman [subconscious]. We have not shed our clothes [bad behavior] and become naked. Living as God [a way of life] our creator intended.
The serpent in the Garden of Eden [our minds] represents our subconscious and our conscious talking to each other. Like the battle sometimes we have within ourselves. Telling us to do something even when you know it’s wrong or has the potential to be wrong or dangerous if you have never had the experience of doing it, how can you ever win the battle? So the woman [Eve in the garden, our subconscious] gave the apple [a new experience] to her husband [our subconscious, Adam]. Our creator knew the only way to develop man so he could one day become like God was to let man learn through experience.
The breath of life our creator breathed into all was the freedom to make choices, good and bad. That’s why he gave us a helper [our subconscious, our inner woman] to be with us through our journey of learning.
From the very beginning we have struggled with the way of God and our minds. The story of Cain and Abel represents the turmoil with us. Cain is the negative input we encounter every day and the consequences of letting those thoughts take over. Abel is what we know is right but don’t always listen to. And when we let Cain [the negative] win, we kill Abel [our sense of what’s right]. But as with all aspects of our life, we have the ability to change and grow and learn from our mistakes. Our inner woman can be good or bad depending on the choices we make in life.
MAY 16, 2006
Kelly Clarkson: Behind These Hazel Eyes, Miss Independent, Walk Away
3 Doors Down: Superman Kryptonite, Close to Home
KT Tunstal: Black Horse & the Cherry Tree
Maroon 5
Matchbox 20
Dido: White Flag
Nickleback
Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
One Republic
5 for Fighting
Jason Mraz: The Remedy
SEPTEMBER 18, 2006
Had a breakdown today. They [the angels] used him to hurt me. Unacceptable! He cut me deep inside, deep damage done will take time to repair. At first all the anger was directed at both of them [Phillip and Nancy], but time makes things clear and blame is in the right place now. I know I will get over it. Love will prevail. I will win!
SEPTEMBER 20, 2006
Found out that he took money from us again. He says the angels made him do it. He never takes responsibility for anything. Even though last time he said it wouldn’t happen again. He still did it. They [the angels] want me to hate him [Phillip] for doing this to us again. I know I shouldn’t blame him, but it’s hard not to. He wants me to believe the angels made him do it and it’s not his fault. I know in his mind he took the money for a good reason, not intentionally to hurt us but still. I wanted to scream and yell at him like he did to me. I didn’t! I can’t count on him for anything. It’s hard to not be angry with him. I need to work on that. He also yelled at A and made her cry, which he also blamed on the angels.
SEPTEMBER 21, 2006
All Phillip and Nancy do is sleep all day. They want me to think it’s the angels doing it, but when will they start trying to help themselves? I work all day and they sleep. It ridiculous! They were going to tell the psychiatrist about the angels today and how Phillip hears voices, but Phillip says the angels made both him and Nancy so sleepy that they couldn’t drive and tell the doctor. They still went
