One for the Money

He balked at the door. “All I have to do is set a new court date, right?”

“Yeah. Right.” And then hang around in a cell until that court date pops up on the calendar. I had no sympathy for him. He could have killed someone driving while intoxicated.

I coaxed him in and fastened the seat belt. I ran around, jumped in the car, and revved the engine, afraid the light bulb would go on in his minuscule brain and he’d realize I was a recovery agent. I couldn’t imagine what would happen when we got to the police station. One step at a time, I told myself. If he got violent I’d gas him… maybe.

My fears were premature. I hadn’t driven a quarter mile before his eyes glazed over, and he fell asleep, slouched against the door like a giant slug. I said a fast prayer that he didn’t wet himself, or throw up, or do any of the other gross involuntary bodily things drunks are prone to do.

Several blocks later I stopped for a light and glanced sideways at him. He was still asleep. So far so good.

A faded blue Econoline van caught my eye on the other side of the intersection. Three antennae. A lot of equipment for a junky old van, I thought. I squinted at the driver, shadowy behind tinted glass, and an eerie feeling crept along the nape of my neck. The light turned. Cars moved through the intersection. The van rolled by, and my heart jumped to my throat as I was treated to a view of Joe Morelli behind the wheel, gaping at me in astonishment. My first impulse was to shrink in size until I was no longer visible. In theory, I should have been pleased to have made contact, but the instant reality was hurling confusion. I was good at fantasizing Morelli’s recovery. I wasn’t so confident when it came to actually pulling it off. Brakes squealed behind me, and in my rearview mirror I saw the van jump the curb to complete a midblock U-turn.

I’d expected he’d come after me. I hadn’t expected him to do it with such speed. The Jeep’s doors were locked, but I pushed the lock button again anyway. The Sure Guard was nestled in my lap. The police station was less than a mile away. I debated giving Clarence the boot and going after Morelli. Morelli was, after all, my main objective.

I did a fast run-through of possible arrest attempts, and none of them turned out satisfactory. I didn’t want Morelli to come at me while I was struggling with Clarence. And I didn’t want to drop Morelli in the street. Not in this neighborhood. I wasn’t sure I could control the outcome.

Morelli was five cars back when I stopped for a light. I saw the driver’s door open, saw Morelli get out of the van, running toward me. I gripped the gas canister and prayed for the light to change. Morelli was almost on me when we all moved forward, and Morelli was forced to go back to the van.

Good old Clarence was still sound asleep, his head dropped forward, his mouth open and drooling, emitting soft snuffling sounds. I left-turned up North Clinton, and the phone chirped.

It was Morelli, and he didn’t sound happy. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he yelled.

“I’m taking Mr. Sampson to the police station. You’re more than welcome to follow us. It would make everything much easier for me.”

A pretty ballsy reply, considering I was having an anxiety attack.

“THAT’S MY CAR YOU’RE DRIVING!”

“Mmmmm. Well, I’ve commandeered it.”

“You’ve WHAT?”

I flipped the switch to shut the phone off before the conversation deteriorated to death threats. The van disappeared from sight two blocks from the station, and I continued on with my FTA still sleeping like a baby.

The Trenton police department houses itself in a cube-like three-story brick building representing the Practical Pig approach to municipal architecture. Clearly low on the funding food chain, Police Headquarters has been afforded few frills, which is just as well considering it is surrounded by ghetto, and the location almost certainly ensures annihilation should a riot of major proportions ever occur.

A chain-link fenced lot adjoins the building and provides parking for squad cars and vans, employees, cops, and beleaguered citizens.

Gritty row houses and small businesses, typical of the area, face off with the headquarters’ front entrance— Jumbos Seafood, a bar with no visible name and ominous metal grating on the windows, a corner grocery advertising RC Cola, Lydia’s Hat Designs, a used-furniture store with a motley collection of washing machines displayed on the sidewalk, and the Tabernacle Church.

I pulled into the lot, tapped the phone back on, dialed dispatch, and requested aid with the transfer of custody. I was instructed to proceed to the rear security door, where a uniform would be waiting for me. I proceeded to the designated door and backed into the driveway, placing Clarence close to the building. I didn’t see my uniform, so I made another call. I was promptly told not to get my shorts in a knot. Easy for them to say— they knew what they were doing.

A few minutes later Crazy Carl Costanza poked his head out the door. I’d made Communion with Crazy Carl, among other things.

He squinted past Clarence. “Stephanie Plum?”

“Hey, Carl.”

His face cracked into a grin. “They told me there was a pain in the ass out here.”

“That would be me,” I said.

“What’s with sleeping beauty?”

“He’s FTA.”

Carl came in for a closer look. “Is he dead?”

“I don’t think so.”

“He smells dead.”

I agreed. “He could use to be hosed down.” I gave Clarence a shake and yelled in his ear. “Let’s go. Time to wake up.”