'Miss Know-it-all.'
'What's with these clues?'
'The clues are for the jerk. I wanted to make him jump like he made me jump. But you had to come along, and now you do all his dirty work for him. What is it with this guy and women? How does he manage?'
'Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm doing it for the money.'
'I'm so stupid,' she said. 'I did it for free.'
'There's something else going on here,' I said. 'Something serious. Do you know about your apartment being ransacked? Do you know about Margie and your mother?'
'I don't want to get into that. There's nothing I can do now. But I can tell you one thing. I'm going to get what's coming to me from that son of a bitch Eddie Kuntz. He's going to pay for everything he did.'
'You mean like scalping your mother?'
'I mean like breaking my nose. I mean like all the times he got drunk and smacked me around. All the times he cheated on me. All the times he took my paycheck. And the lies about getting married. That's what he's going to pay for.'
'He said you took some love letters that belong to him.'
Maxine tipped her head back and laughed. It was a nice honest throaty laugh that would have been contagious if I hadn't been chained to my refrigerator. 'That's what he told you? Boy, that's good. Eddie Kuntz writing love letters. You probably own stock in the Brooklyn Bridge, too.'
'Listen, I'm just trying to do a job.'
'Yeah, and I'm trying to have a life. This is my advice to you. Forget about trying to find me because it isn't going to happen. I'm only hanging around to have some fun with the jerk and then I'm out of here. Soon as I'm done yanking Kuntz's chain I'm gone.'
'You have money to make you disappear?'
'More than God has apples. Now I'm going to tell you something about that box. It's filled with dog doody. I spent all day in the park, filling a plastic bag. The clue is in the doody in the plastic bag. I want the jerk to paw through that doody. And trust me, he wants to find me bad enough to do it. So back off and don't help him out.'
I felt my lip involuntarily curl back. Dog doody. Ugh.
'That's all I have to say to you,' Maxine said. 'Go look for somebody else and stop helping the jerk.'
'Are you the one who wrote on my door?'
She turned to leave. 'No, but it's a pretty cool message.'
'You're going to leave the key to the cuffs, aren't you?'
She looked at me and winked and waltzed away, closing the door behind her.
Damn! 'I'm not the only one after you!' I yelled. 'Watch out for that bitch Joyce Barnhardt!' Shit. She was getting away. I yanked at the cuffs, but they were secure. No knives or helpful kitchen utensils within reach. Phone too far away. I could yell until doomsday and Mr. Wolensky, across the hall, wouldn't hear me over his TV. Think, Stephanie. Think! 'Help!' I yelled. 'Help!'
No one came to help. After about five minutes of yelling and fuming I started to feel a headache coming on. So I stopped yelling, and I looked in the refrigerator for something that would stop a headache. Banana cream pie. There was some left from Saturday. I ate the pie and washed it down with milk. I was still hungry, so I ate some peanut butter and a bag of baby carrots. I was finishing up with the carrots when there was another knock at my door.
I went back to the yelling 'Help!' routine.
The door swung open and Sally stuck his head in. 'Fucking kinky,' he said. 'Who cuffed you to the fridge?'
'I had a little scuffle with Maxine.'
'Looks like you lost.'
'Don't suppose you saw her hanging out in the parking lot.'
'Nope.'
My biggest fear was that she'd gotten away, never to be found. My second biggest fear was that Joyce had nabbed her. 'Go down to the basement and get Dillon, the super, and ask him to come up with his hacksaw.'
Twenty minutes later I was still wearing a bracelet, but at least I was free of the refrigerator. Sally had left for rehearsal. Dillon was on his way downstairs with a six-pack under his arm. And I was late for an appointment with a box full of dog shit.
I barreled down the stairs and out the door. I started toward my car but pulled up short when Joyce rolled into the parking lot.
'Joyce,' I said, 'long time, no see.' I peeked into her car, looking for Maxine. 'You still following me?'
'Hell no. I have better things to do than to sit around all day waiting for someone to get hit with a pie. I came by to tell you good-bye.'
'Giving up?'
'Getting smart. I don't need you to find Maxine.'
'Oh yeah? Why is that?'
'I know where she's hiding. I have a contact who knows all about Maxine's transactions. Too bad you were
