I decided disaster would be slower in coming if Humpty climbed the wall at night when it was dark and no one could see her, so I continued on down the path to the far end of the town houses, cut back to the road, and returned to my car.
LULA WAS STANDING in the doorway when I parked in front of the bail bonds office. 'Okay, I give up,' she said. 'What is it?'
'A Rollswagen.'
'It's got a few dents in it.'
'Morris Munson was feeling cranky.'
'He did that? Did you bring him in?'
'I decided to delay that pleasure.'
Lula looked like she was giving herself a hernia trying to keep from laughing out loud. 'Well, we gotta go get his ass. He got a lotta nerve denting up a Rollswagen. Hey, Connie,' she yelled, 'you gotta come see this car Stephanie's driving. It's a genuine Rollswagen.'
'It's a loaner,' I said. 'Until I get my insurance check.'
'What are those swirly designs on the side?'
'Wind.'
'Oh, yeah,' Lula said. 'I should have known.'
A shiny black jeep Cherokee pulled to the curb behind the wind machine, and Joyce Barnhardt got out. She was dressed in black leather pants, a black leather bustier, which barely contained her C-cup breasts, a black leather jacket, and high-heeled black boots. Her hair was a brilliant red, teased high and curled. Her eyes were ringed by black liner, and her lashes were thick with mascara. She looked like Dominatrix Barbie.
'I hear they put rat hairs in that lash-lengthening mascara,' Lula said to Joyce. 'Hope you read the ingredients when you bought it.'
Joyce looked at the wind machine. 'The circus in town? This is one of those clown cars, right?'
'It's a one-of-a-kind Rollswagen,' Lula said. 'You got a problem with that?'
Joyce smiled. 'The only problem I've got is trying to decide how I'm going to spend Ranger's capture money.'
'Oh, yeah,' Lula said. 'You want to waste a lot of time on that one.'
'You'll see,' Joyce said. 'I always get my man.'
And dog and goat and vegetable… and everybody else's man, too.
'Well, we'd love to stand here talking to you, Joyce,' Lula said. 'But we got better things to do. We got a big important apprehension to make. We were just on our way to go catch a high-bond motherfucker.'
'Are you going in the clown car?' Joyce asked.
'We're going in my Firebird,' Lula said. 'We always take the Firebird when we got serious ass-kicking lined up.'
'I have to see Vinnie,' Joyce said. 'Someone made a mistake on Ranger's bond application. I checked out the address, and it's a vacant lot.'
Lula and I looked at each other and smiled.
'Gee, imagine that,' Lula said.
No one knows where Ranger lives. The address on his driver's license is for a men's shelter on Post Street. Not likely for a man who owns office buildings in Boston and checks with his stockbroker daily. Every now and then Lula and I make a halfhearted effort to track him down, but we've never had any success.
'So what do you think?' Lula asked when Joyce disappeared inside the office. 'You want to go do some damage on Morris Munson?'
'I don't know. He's kind of crazy.'
'Hunh,' Lula said. 'He don't scare me. I guess I could fix his bony ass. He didn't shoot at you, did he?'
'No.'
'Then he isn't as crazy as most of the people on my block.'
'Are you sure you want to risk going after him in your Firebird, after what he did to the wind machine?'
'First off, assuming I'd even be able to get my full figure into the wind machine, I think you'd need to take a can opener to it to get me out. And then, being that there's two seats in this little bitty car, and we'd be sitting in them, suppose we'd have to strap Munson to the hood to bring him in. Not that it's such a bad idea, but it'd slow us down some.'
Lula walked over to the file cabinets and gave the bottom right-hand drawer a kick. The drawer popped open; Lula extracted a forty-caliber Glock and dropped it into her shoulder bag.
'No shooting!' I said.
'Sure, I know that,' Lula said. 'This here's car insurance.'
BY THE TIME we got to Rockwell Street my stomach was queasy and my heart was tap-dancing in my chest.
'You don't look too good,' Lula said.
'I think I'm carsick.'
'You never get carsick.'
'I do when I'm after some guy who just came at me with a tire iron.'
'Don't worry. He do that again, and I'll pop a cap up his ass.'
'No! I told you before-no shooting.'
'Well, yeah, but this here's
I tried to give her a stern look, but I sighed instead.
'Which house is his?' Lula wanted to know.
'The one with the green door.'
'Hard to tell if anybody's in there.'
We drove by the house twice, and then we took the one-lane service road to the rear and stopped at Munson's garage. I got out and looked in the grimy side window. The Crown Victoria was there. Rats.
'This is the plan,' I told Lula. 'You go to the front door. He's never seen you. He won't be suspicious. Tell him who you are and tell him you want him to go downtown with you. Then he'll sneak out the back door to his car, and I'll catch him off guard and cuff him.'
'Sounds okay to me. And if you got a problem, you just holler, and I'll come around back.'
Lula cruised away in the Firebird, and I tippytoed up to Munson's back door and flattened myself against the house so he couldn't see me. I shook my pepper spray to make sure it was live and listened for Lula's knock on his door.
The knock came after a few minutes; there was some muffled conversation, and then came the sounds of scuffling at the back door and the lock being retracted. The door opened and Morris Munson stepped out.
'Hold it,' I said, kicking the door shut. 'Stay exactly where you are. Don't move a muscle or I'll hit you with the pepper spray.'
'You! You tricked me!'
I had the pepper spray in my left hand and the cuffs in my right. 'Turn around,' I said. 'Hands over your head, palms flat against the house.'
'I hate you!' he shrieked. 'You're just like my ex-wife. Sneaky, lying, bossy bitch. You even look like her. Same dopey curly brown hair.'
'Dopey hair? Excuse me?'
'I had a good life until that bitch screwed it up. I had a big house and a nice car. I had Surround Sound.'
'What happened?'
'She left me. Said I was boring. Boring ol' Morris. So one day she got herself a lawyer, backed a truck up to the patio door, and cleaned me out. Took every fucking stick of furniture, every goddamn piece of china, every freaking spoon.' He gestured to the row house. 'This is what I'm left with. This piece-of-shit row house and a used Crown Victoria with two years of payments. After fifteen years at the button factory, working my fingers to the bone, I'm eating cereal for supper in this rat trap.'
'Jeez.'
