You see, Stephanie, I told myself, this is what happens when you run your credit card up buying nonessentials like shoes and underwear and then can’t afford to buy handcuffs.
“I was going to get a stun gun,” Kloughn said, “but yours didn’t work last night. What’s with that? You pay good money for these things and then they don’t work. That’s always the way, isn’t it? You know what you need? You need a lawyer. You were mislead by product promises.”
I stopped for a light and pulled the stun gun out of my bag and checked it over. “I don’t understand this,” I said to Kloughn. “It’s always worked just fine.”
He took the stun gun from me and turned it around in his hand. “Maybe it needs batteries.”
“No. They’re new. They test out okay.”
“Maybe you were doing it wrong?”
“Hardly. It’s not that complicated. You press the prongs against someone’s skin and push the button.”
“Like this?” Kloughn said, pressing the prongs against his arm, pushing the button. He gave a tiny squeak and slumped in his seat.
I took the stun gun from his inert hand and studied it. It seemed to work okay now. I dropped the stun gun back into my bag, drove back to the Burg, and stopped at Corner Hardware. Corner Hardware was a ramshackle affair that had been in existence for as long as I could remember. The store itself occupied two adjoining buildings with a door carved into the common wall. The floor was unvarnished wood and cracked linoleum. The shelves were dusty, and the air smelled of fertilizer and socket wrenches. Everything you might need could be found in the store at a price higher than could be found elsewhere. The advantage to Corner Hardware was the location. It was in the Burg. No need to drive down Route 1 or go to Hamilton Township. The additional advantage for me today was the fact that no one at Corner Hardware would think it odd that I was schlepping around with a guy with two black eyes. Everyone in the Burg would have heard about Kloughn.
By the time I got to the hardware store, Kloughn was starting to come around. His fingers were twitching, and he had one eye open. I left Kloughn in the car while I ran into the store and bought twenty feet of medium-weight chain and a padlock. I had a plan for capturing Bender.
I dumped the twenty feet of chain onto the street behind the CR-V. I got the cuffs from Kloughn’s back pocket, and I attached one end of the chain to one of the bracelets. Then I padlocked the other end of the chain to the tow hitch on my car. I tossed the remaining chain and cuffs into the back window and got behind the wheel. I was soaked, but it was worth it. No way was Bender going to run off with my cuffs this time. The instant I cuffed Bender, he’d be attached to my car.
I drove across town, idled one block over from Bender’s apartment, and dialed his number. When he answered I hung up.
“He’s home,” I told Kloughn. “Let’s roll.”
Kloughn was examining his hand, wiggling his fingers. “I feel kind of tingly.”
“That’s because you zapped yourself with my stun gun.”
“I thought it didn’t work.”
“I guess you fixed it.”
“I’m real handy,” Kloughn said. “I’m good at all kinds of things like that.”
I jumped the curb in front of Bender’s apartment, drove across the mud yard, and parked with my rear bumper pressed to Bender’s front stoop. I leaped out of the car, ran to Bender’s door, and barged into his living room.
Bender was in his chair, watching television. He saw me enter and went bug-eyed and slack-jawed. “You!” he said. “What the fuck?” A second later he was out of his chair, bolting for the back door.
“Grab him,” I yelled to Kloughn. “Gas him. Trip him.
Kloughn took a flying leap and caught Bender by the pants leg. Both men went down to the floor. I threw myself on Bender and cuffed him. I rolled off, elated. Bender scrambled to his feet and ran for the door, dragging the chain behind him. Kloughn and I did a high five.
“Boy, you’re smart,” Kloughn said. “I would never have thought of hooking him up to the bumper. I gotta hand it to you. You’re good. You’re really good.”
“Make sure the back door is locked,” I said to Kloughn. “I don’t want the apartment burgled.” I clicked the
