“He looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. What’d he bring you to eat, dinner rolls?”
“Chinese,” Kloughn said. “It was one of those last-minute things that I just felt like eating Chinese.”
“I’m not crazy about taking a lawyer along on a bust,” Vinnie said.
“I won’t sue you, I swear to God,” Kloughn said. “And look, I have a flashlight and defense spray and everything. I’m thinking about getting a gun, but I can’t decide if I want a six shooter or a semiautomatic. I’m sort of leaning to the semiautomatic.”
“Go with the semiautomatic,” Lula said. “It holds more bullets. You can never have too many bullets.”
“I want a vest,” I said to Vinnie. “Last time I did a takedown with you, you shot everything to smithereens.”
“That was an unusual circumstance,” Vinnie said.
Yeah, right.
I got Kloughn and myself suited up in Kevlar, and we all packed off in Vinnie’s Cadillac. A half hour later we were parked around the corner from Bender. “Now you’re going to see how a professional operates,” Vinnie said. “I have a plan, and I expect everyone to do their part, so listen up.”
“Oh boy,” Lula said. “A plan.”
“Stephanie and I will take the front door,” Vinnie said. “Lula and the clown will take the back door. We all enter at the same time and subdue the rat bastard.”
“That’s some plan,” Lula said. “I would never have thought of that one.”
“K-l-o-u-g-h-n,” Albert said.
“All you have to do is listen for me to yell ‘bond enforcement,’ ” Vinnie said. “Then we crash down the doors and rush in with everyone yelling ‘freeze… bond enforcement.’”
“I’m not doing that,” I said. “I’ll feel like an idiot. They only do that on television.”
“I like it,” Lula said. “I always wanted to crash down a door and yell stuff.”
“I could be wrong,” Kloughn said, “but crashing down doors might be illegal.”
Vinnie buckled himself into a nylon webbed gun belt. “It’s only illegal if it’s the wrong house.”
Lula took a Glock out of her purse and shoved it into the waistband of her spandex miniskirt. “I’m ready,” she said. “Too bad we don’t have a TV crew with us. This yellow skirt would show up real good.”
“I’m ready, too,” Kloughn said. “I’ve got a flashlight in case the lights go off.”
I didn’t want to alarm him, but that’s not why bounty hunters carry two-pound Mag lights.
“Has anyone checked to make sure Bender is home?” I asked. “Anyone talk to his wife?”
“We’ll listen under the window,” Vinnie said. “It looks like someone’s watching television in there.”
We all tiptoed across the lawn and pressed ourselves against the building and listened under the window.
“Sounds like a movie,” Kloughn said. “Sounds like a
“Then Bender’s gotta be here,” Vinnie said. “His wife isn’t going to be sitting around all by herself, watching a porno flick.”
Lula and Kloughn went around to the back door, and Vinnie and I went to the front door. Vinnie drew his gun and rapped on the door, which had been patched with a big piece of plywood.
“Open up,” Vinnie shouted. “Bond enforcement!” He took a step back and was ready to give the door a kick with his boot when we heard Lula break into the house from the rear, yelling at the top of her lungs.
Before we had a chance to react, the front door burst open and a naked guy rushed out at us, almost knocking me
