We stayed to watch Pitch get taken away by yet another of the Merry Men, we secured the house, and we walked out to the car.
'You could have told me to move instead of dumping me in the bushes,' I said to Ranger.
'It was one of those instinct things. Keeping you out of harm's way.'
'Yeah, right. Maybe more like getting even with me for sending the Apusenjas out to talk to you.'
Ranger opened the passenger side door for me. 'When I get even it's going to be something much more rewarding than dumping you in the bushes.'
I buckled myself in and looked at my watch. 'My sister came home today with the baby. I should stop around and see how she's doing.'
'Tank's going to be glad he broke his leg when he finds out how I spent my afternoon.'
'You don't like babies?'
'I come from a big family. I'm used to babies.'
'Well then?'
'My grandmother is a little Cuban woman who cooks all day and speaks Spanish. Your grandmother watches pay-per-view porn.'
'She used to watch the Weather Channel, but she said there wasn't enough action.'
'Maybe you should check the dose on her hormone replacement. Last time I saw her she was trying to imagine me naked.'
I burst out laughing. 'That's what happens when you're a hottie. Women imagine you naked. Lula imagines you naked. Connie imagines you naked. Two-hundred-year-old Mrs. Bestler imagines you naked.'
'How about you?'
'I don't have to imagine. I've seen you naked. Your naked body's burned into my brain.'
Ranger turned onto my parents' street. 'I'm going to wait in the car. And if you send your grandma out to harass me, I swear…'
'Yeah?'
'I don't know what I swear. I can't think of anything awful enough to do to you that wouldn't leave you maimed or psychologically scarred.'
'Nice to know there are boundaries.'
Ranger parked in front of my parents' house and got out of the car.
'I thought you weren't coming in,' I said.
'I'm not. I'm going to stay out here. I can't see the entire street if I sit in the car.'
Grandma Mazur opened the front door for me. 'Is that Ranger with you? Isn't he coming in?'
'He thinks he's coming down with a cold. Doesn't want to infect everyone.'
'Isn't that thoughtful! He's such a nice young man. Lots of times men aren't nice like that when they're hot- looking. Maybe I'll bring him something from the kitchen.'
'No! He just ate. He's not hungry. And you can't take a chance on getting infected. What if you got sick and gave the cold to the baby?'
'Oh yeah. Well, you tell him I was asking about him.'
'You bet.'
Valerie was on the couch, nursing the baby. The girls were watching Valerie. My father was in his chair, concentrating on CNN.
My mother came in from the kitchen, took a look at me, and made the sign of the cross. 'Your arm is bandaged, you have grass stains on your pants, and pieces of some sort of bush are stuck in your hair. And Ranger is outside, wearing a gun.' She looked more closely. 'Is that a wig?'
'It's my real hair. I got it cut.'
With the exception of the baby, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me.
'Sometimes it's fun to change things,' I said. 'Right? What do you think?'
'It's… cute,' Valerie said.
'I wouldn't mind wearing my hair like that,' Grandma said. 'I bet it'd look real good if it was pink.'
The phone rang.
'It's Lois Kelner across the street,' Grandma Mazur said. 'She wants to know if we're being invaded. She said it looks to her like there's one of them terrorists in our driveway.'
'It's just Ranger,' I said.
'I know that,' Grandma said, 'but Lois is calling the army.'
My mother did another sign of the cross.
'Maybe you should get Ranger out of the driveway,' Valerie said. 'Paratroopers landing on the roof would upset the baby.'
