the windows had some rot. The front porch had been enclosed as an afterthought, and a small sign on the door advertised Coglin s taxidermy business.
'Don't look to me like taxidermy pays real well,' Lula said.
A scrawny little guy answered my knock, and I knew from the picture on file that it was Coglin. Hair the color and texture of steel wool. Wire-rimmed glasses.
'Carl Coglin?' I asked.
'Yes.'
'I represent Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. You missed your court date last week, and I'd like to help you reschedule.'
'That's nice of you,' Coglin said, 'But I don’t want to inconvenience you.''
'It's my job.'
'Oh,' Coglin said. 'Well, what does this rescheduling involve?'
'You need to go to the courthouse and get re-bonded.'
We were standing in Coglin s front-porch showroom, and it was hard not to notice the animals lining his walls.
'Where's the moose heads?' Lula asked Coglin. 'I thought you taxidermy guys stuffed lions and tigers and shit. All I see is cats and dogs and pigeons.'
'This is urban taxidermy,' Coglin said. 'I restore pets and found objects.'
'What's a found object?' Lula wanted to know.
'Treasure found in nature. For instance, if you were walking through the park and you found a deceased pigeon, that would be a found object. And sometimes I make performance pieces. The performance pieces are mechanicals. There's a growing market for the mechanicals.'
Lula looked at a woodchuck posed on a piece of Astro-turf. Some of its fur had been worn away, and it had what appeared to be part of a tire track imprinted on its back. 'You're a sick man,' Lula said.
'It's art,' Coglin said. 'You don't understand art.'
'I understand roadkill,' Lula said.
'About that rescheduling,' I said to Coglin.
'Maybe I could reschedule next week,' Coglin said. 'I can't leave now. I have to stay at the house. I have a fresh opossum on the table.'
'Oh boy' Lula said.
'It's hard to get an opossum at this time of year,' Coglin said. 'I was lucky to find it. And it won't be good when it defrosts.'
'This won't take long,' I told him.
'You're not going to leave without me, are you?' he asked.
'No.'
Coglin looked at his watch. 'I suppose I could go with you if this doesn't take long. Let me get my coat and lock the back door. In the meantime, feel free to browse my showroom. All these items are for sale.'
'I'm glad to hear that,' Lula said. 'I always wanted a stuffed dead dog.'
Coglin disappeared into the house, and I tried not to look too hard at the critters. 'These animals are creeping me out,' I said to Lula. 'It's like being in a whacked-out pet cemetery.'
'Yeah,' Lula said. 'They've seen better days.' She picked up a stuffed squirrel. 'This guy's got three eyes. He must have lived next to the nuclear power plant.'
I heard the back door slam and then a motor crank over.
'Car!' I said to Lula.
We ran to the back of the house and saw Coglin pull away in a green Isuzu SUV. We turned and sprinted through the house, out the door to the Vic.
'There he goes,' Lula said, pointing to the corner. 'South on Centerline.'
I had the Vic in gear and moving. I took the corner on I wo wheels and put my fool to the floor. Coglin was a block ahead of me.
'He's turning,' Lula said.
'I'm on it.'
'He's got a light,' Lula said. 'He has to stop for the light.'
I jumped on the brake, but Coglin ran it. He sailed through the light and was lost in traffic.
'Guess he didn't feel like going to jail,' Lula said.
The light changed and I slowly moved forward. I looked over at Lula and saw she still had the squirrel.
'We were in such a rush to get out of the house, I forgot I was holding this here mutant rodent,' Lula said.
'It doesn't look like a third eye,' I said to her. 'It looks like a switch. Maybe this is a mechanical rodent.'
Lula pushed the switch and studied it. 'It's making a noise. It's sort of ticking. It's…'
BANG. The squirrel exploded.
We both shrieked. I jumped the curb and sideswiped a streetlight.
'What the fuck?' Lula said.
'Are you okay?'
'No, I'm not okay. That squirrel just friggin' blew hisself apart on me. I got squirrel guts on me.'
'Doesn't look like guts,' I said, examining the hair and skin plastered to the dashboard. 'Looks like he was stuffed with some kind of foam that melted when it exploded.'
'This guy's building rodent bombs,' Lula said. 'We should report him to someone. You can't just go around building rodent bombs, can you?'
I backed up and tried to open my door, but it wouldn't open. I rolled the window down, climbed out Dukes of Hazzard style, and examined the damage. Some of the door was bashed in where I'd hit the light. I climbed back into the car and drove off the sidewalk.
'I got foam and squirrel hair stuck to me,' Lula said. 'I probably need a rabies shot or something.'
'Yeah,' I said. 'Problem is, I don't know whether to take you to a veterinarian or an upholsterer.'
'Smells funky,' Lula said, sniffing her finger. 'What's it smell like?'
'Squirrel.'
'I didn't know squirrels had a smell.'
'This one does,' I told her.
'I'm gonna need to take this coat to the dry cleaner, and I'm gonna send the bill to that Coglin freak. He got some nerve exploding a squirrel on me.'
'You took the squirrel.'
'Yeah, but it was entrapment. I think I got a case.'
'Maybe we should go to lunch,' I said to Lula. 'Take your mind off the squirrel.'
'I could use some lunch.'
'Do you have any money?'
'No,' Lula said. 'Do you?'
'No.'
'There's only one thing to do then. Senior buffet.'
Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.
'Where we gonna start?' Lula wanted to know, taking a shopping cart.
'I like to start in produce and then go to the deli and then frozen.'
Costco is the all-American free lunch. If you can't afford to buy food, you can buy a minimum membership at Costco and get freebies from the give-away ladies. You just have to kick your way through the seniors who stand ten deep around them.
'Look over there,' Lula said. 'They got a give-away lady frying up them little bitty sausages. I love those little sausages.'
We had some apple slices dipped in caramel, some carrots and raw broccoli dipped in ranch dressing, some goat cheese, some frozen pizza pieces, some tofu stir-fry, some brownie pieces from the bakery, and some of the sausages. We did a test-drive on Guatemalan coffee and sparkling apple cider. We used the ladies' room, and we left.
