“I’m not going to jail!” he yelled at me.
He threw the Taurus into reverse, I hit him once with the stun gun, and he twitched and squeaked, but that was it. The Taurus plowed into Ranger’s Jeep and knocked it back about ten feet, totally bashing in the entire left side. Butch slammed the Taurus into drive, jumped the sidewalk, made a sharp turn, and took off out of the lot.
Lula sashayed out with two bags of food and stood looking at the Jeep. “You’re in trouble,” she said. “You wrecked Ranger’s Jeep.” She looked around. “Where’s Butch?”
“Gone.”
“He must be a real fast eater.”
“I walked up to his car, and he panicked. I hit him with the stun gun, and it had no effect.”
“No shit,” Lula said. “You need a cattle prod for him.”
I hauled my cell phone out and dialed Ranger.
“Babe,” he said.
“Bad news,” I told him. “I sort of wrecked your Jeep.”
“It was only a matter of time,” he said. And he disconnected.
Five minutes later, a Rangeman SUV drove into the parking lot. Hal and another guy got out, looked at the Jeep, and smiled.
“No disrespect,” Hal said to me, “but you’ve done better.”
This was true. I was driving Ranger’s Porsche one time, and it got smashed flat as a pancake by a garbage truck. Hard to top that.
“Raphael will take care of the Jeep,” Hal said. “And I’m at your disposal. Where would you ladies like to go?”
“The bonds office,” I told him. “We need to regroup.”
“HOW’D IT GO?” Connie asked. “Did you catch anyone?”
“Nope,” Lula said. “But we trashed Ranger’s Jeep. And we did some other stuff, but I might not want to talk about it.”
Connie gave me raised eyebrows.
“Lula opened a gate at the packing plant and set a whole bunch of cows loose,” I said. “They’re probably in Bordentown by now.”
“They were like Born Free cows,” Lula said.
“We aren’t doing so good in the money-raising department,” Connie said.
I slouched in the orange chair in front of her desk. “Maybe we should call the police.”
“Or we could ship Vinnie off to Brazil,” Lula said. “We could put him in nitwit protection.”
My phone rang, and I groaned when I saw the number. It was my mother.
“When are you picking him up?” my mother wanted to know.
“Who?”
“You know who! He’s in your father’s chair, watching television, drinking coffee.”
“Lucille kicked him out.”
“Good for her,” my mother said. “I’d kick him out, too, but I can’t get him out of the chair. When are you coming to get him?”
“Here’s the thing,” I said to my mother. “He doesn’t have anyplace to stay.”
“He can’t stay here. And I swear I’ll never make you another pineapple upside-down cake if you don’t get him out of here.”
“I’ll be right there.” I grabbed my tote bag and stood. “We have to get Vinnie,” I said to Lula. “My mother’s done with him.”
“You can’t bring him back here,” Connie said.
“Can I put him in your house?”
“Not even for a moment.”
I looked at Lula.
“Nuh-uh,” Lula said. “I don’t even like him. And soon as he’s left alone, he’ll be tryin’ all my special dresses on.” Lula’s attention moved to the plateglass window in the front of the office. “It’s the Moon Man,” she said.
Mooner pushed the door open and gave us the peace sign. “Ladies,” he said. “How goes it?”
“It goes okay,” I said. “How goes it with you?”
“I don’t know. I think they might have put some wacky mushrooms on my pizza last night. I was driving down Broad Street just now, and I swear I thought a cow was walking down the street.”
“Hunh,” Lula said. “That’s crazy, all right.”
“Some cows got loose at the packing plant this morning,” I told Mooner.
Mooner clapped a hand to his heart. “That’s a mega relief. Last time I saw cows walking down the street, I had to go into rehab.”
“What were you doing on Broad?” I asked him.
“I was handing out fliers. I got some for you, too.” Mooner put a stack of papers on Connie’s desk. “The Alliance is having its annual Hobbit Con, and I’m in charge this year. It’s an awesome honor.”
“I’ve never been to a Hobbit Con,” Lula said. “What do you do there?”
“You dress up like a Hobbit,” Mooner said. “And you get a Hobbit name. And there’s all kinds of Hobbit food. And there are Hobbit games. And Hobbit music.”
“I might like that,” Lula said, taking a flier off Connie’s desk and reading it. “I’m always open to new experiences. Do you got a Hobbit name?” Lula asked him.
“Bungo Goodchild,” Mooner said.
“I could see that,” Lula said. “What would my name be?”
“You could be Alvyan Jumpswell of Fair Downs,” Mooner said. “And Connie could be Primula Boffin.”
“What if I don’t want to be Primula Boffin?” Connie said.
“What about Stephanie?” Lula wanted to know. “What’s her Hobbit name?”
“Ysellyra Thorney.”
“Yeah, she looks like a Ysellyra Thorney,” Lula said.
“I have a problem,” I said to Mooner. “Vinnie’s wife kicked him out of the house, and he hasn’t got any place to stay. Do you suppose you could babysit him for me this afternoon and maybe tonight?”
“Whoa, I’d be honored,” Mooner said. “Vinnie’s the dude. He’s like famous. He runs ASC.”
“What’s ASC?” I asked Mooner.
“Alternative Sex Convention. It’s like cutting-edge.”
“That’s a shocker,” Connie said.
“Yeah,” Mooner said. “ASC is huge. Maybe Vinnie can give me some pointers.”
“Unless you got Hobbits that wear chaps and nothin’ else, you probably don’t want any of Vinnie’s pointers,” Lula said.
“Do you remember where my parents live?” I asked Mooner.
“Yep. I could find it with my eyes closed.”
I wrote the address on the back of my card and gave it to Mooner. “Just in case,” I said. “Call me if there are problems. Don’t let Vinnie out of your sight, and stay away from Stark Street.”
Mooner ambled out of the office, and moments later, we heard a backfire and the Moon Bus chugged down the street.
“Do you think you can trust him to keep Vinnie under wraps?” Lula asked me.
“If Vinnie wants to stay alive, he’ll make sure he stays hidden.”
I called my parents’ house and asked for Vinnie.
“Mooner is coming to get you,” I told Vinnie. “He’s going to let you stay in his RV. Do not leave the RV!”
I glanced at my watch. “It’s coming up to lunchtime,” I said to Lula. “Let’s look for Chopper.”
“What about Butch?” Connie wanted to know.
“I need an address. I doubt he’ll go back to work. And if I’m going to get him, I need to do it fast. He doesn’t want to go to jail. He’s going to run again.”
