“What’s he doing?” Lula shrieked. “Is he suckin’ on my neck? I feel someone suckin’ on my neck. Get him off me.”
I pressed the stun gun prongs against Ziggy’s flailing arm and hit the go button. Ziggy squeaked and went inert.
Lula hauled herself up off the floor and put her hand to her neck. “Do I got holes? Am I bleeding? Do I look like I’m turning into a vampire?”
“No, no, and no,” I told her. “He doesn’t have his teeth in. He was just gumming you.”
“That’s disgustin’,” Lula said. “I been gummed by a old vampire. I feel gross. My neck’s all wet. What’s on my neck?”
I squinted over at Lula. “Looks like a hickey.”
“Are you shitting me? This worthless bag of bones gave me a hickey?” Lula pulled a mirror out of her purse and checked her neck out. “I’m not happy,” Lula said. “First off I don’t know if I got vampire cooties from this. And second, how am I gonna explain a hickey to my date tonight?”
I cuffed Ziggy and stood back. He was still on the floor, not moving.
“We need to get him out to the car,” I said to Lula.
“His eyes are sort of open, but he don’t look like he’s seeing a lot,” Lula said. “Give him a kick and see if he feels it.”
I bent over Ziggy. “Hey!” I said. “Are you okay? Can you get up?”
Ziggy’s hand twitched a little, and his mouth opened, but no words came out.
“I haven’t got all day here,” Lula said. “I need to Google vampire bites, and then I need to get some makeup for my neck.” She grabbed Ziggy’s foot. “Get his other foot, and we’ll drag him out.”
We dragged Ziggy across the room, and I opened the front door. The second the sunlight hit him, Ziggy started shrieking. It was a high-pitched, keening
“Holy shit, holy crap, holy moley!” Lula said, dropping Ziggy’s foot, jumping away. “What the hell’s wrong with him?”
I kicked the door closed, and Ziggy stopped screaming.
“I almost got diarrhea,” Lula said. “That was horrible. I never heard anyone make a sound like that.”
Ziggy’s eyes were narrowed and his breath hissed from between clenched gums.
“Okay, now I’m freakin’,” Lula said. “I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I’m thinkin’ we need to drag him into the sun and burn him up, and the world has one less vampire. But then on the other hand I don’t want to see him get all oozing and gnarly like in a horror movie. I hate them horror movies where people get crispy.”
“So what’s the deal?” I asked Ziggy. “Are you a vampire?”
Ziggy shrugged his shoulders. “I might be,” he said.
“How about we wrap him in a quilt,” Lula said. “That way we won’t cook him.”
“Is that going to work for you?” I asked Ziggy.
“I guess. Just don’t leave any holes where the sun can get to me. Wrap me up real good. And would you mind going upstairs and getting me my teeth?”
“Hell no,” Lula said. “We’re not getting you no teeth. You already gave me a hickey. That’s as far as I’m goin’ with this whole creepy vampire thing.”
We wrapped Ziggy in the quilt from his bed, carried him to my car, and loaded him into the backseat. Ten minutes from the police station he started to thrash around in his quilt.
“What’s going on back there?” I asked Ziggy.
“I’m restless,” Ziggy said. “I got restless leg syndrome. And I’m hungry. I need some blood.”
“Pull over,” Lula said to me. “I’m gettin’ out.”
“For the love of Pete, he’s in a quilt, he’s toothless, and he’s handcuffed!” I said to Lula. “And besides, he’s not a vampire.”
“How do you know he’s not a vampire?”
“I don’t believe in vampires.”
“Yeah, me either, but how can you be sure? And anyways, he freaks me out no matter what the heck he is.”
SIX
BY THE TIME we dropped Ziggy off at the police station and made a makeup run for hickey cover-up, it was almost noon.
“Where are we going for lunch?” Lula wanted to know.
“I thought I’d stop at Giovichinni’s.”
Giovichinni’s Deli was on Hamilton, not far from the bonds office. It was a family enterprise, and it was second only to the funeral home for feeding the Burg gossip mill. It carried a full line of deli meats and cheeses, homemade coleslaw, potato salad, macaroni salad, and baked beans. It also had Italian specialty items, and it served as the local grocery with all the usual staples found in a convenience store.
“I love Giovichinni’s,” Lula said. “I could get a roast beef sandwich with beans and potato salad. And they got the best pickles, too.”
Five minutes later Lula and I were at the deli counter ordering sandwiches from Gina Giovichinni.
