'It looks great, doesn't it?' I asked Janie.
'It's beautiful,' she said, which was a relief because Janie can be very critical sometimes. The trouble is I knew she'd have said the same if it hadn't been right. Still.
The coffin was on a bier. I wasn't to carry Dandy because of my hands. Patrick nobly volunteered, but broke down. Trust Patrick. A barker stood in at the last minute. Our church has this small orchestra, five players, counting the organ. Reverend Woking arranging the choir stuck me behind Mary Preston, our plump and attractive 'cellist.
('You like being here, Lovejoy, don't you?' he said brightly while I avoided Janie's eyes, large in the congregation.)
We didn't sing badly for Dandy Jack. Owd Henry's probably our best bass. He's an eccentric filthy old farmer whose legendary battles with the government over farm subsidies will be sung of by future generations of ecstatic minstrels. It's better than Beowulf. He wears an outlandish stovepipe hat for posh, which is hard luck on our altos because as a result they haven't seen a choirmaster's baton beat time since before the war.
Helen never looked up once. She seemed really upset. We listened gravely to Reverend Woking's sermon on Dandy Jack's virtues. It was fifty minutes long, practically par for the course. As far as I could make out it dealt mainly with problems of translating Greek non-deistic pronouns from the Aramaic in the synoptic gospels. Gripping. We'd just got going again when in the middle of it all your friend and mine Edward Rink pottered in, taking my breath away. It was lucky we weren't at the risky bit in the Agnus Dei, which is nobody's plaything. Nichole, pale and elegantly fragile, slipped along the pew after him. Algernon kindly passed Rink a hymnal, acknowledged by a curt nod. I'd have to speak to Algernon. Politeness is all very well.
During the service Rink's eyes only met mine once. It was during the Dies Irae. That instant any doubts left me. He wouldn't give up, not him. The swine was as cold as any reptile. It was as if I'd gazed into the eyes of the stone crusader on his plinth in our nave. Stone, solid stone. I was so calm I lost concentration for a moment and felt our blacksmith tenor Jim Large's surprised glance along the row. There and then I made my first and last original De Profundis. Rink's head was reverently bowed as I prayed, aiming at the middle of his balding spot. That tonsure would have to go. And the scalp as well. I know that a funeral isn't exactly the place to pray for a successful execution, but matters were out of my hands now.
I prayed: Dear Lord, Sorry about this, but Somebody's got to finish Darlin' Edward. And if Somebody doesn't get a move on pretty sharpish, I suppose it'll be up to me. Don't say I didn't warn Somebody in good time. Okay?
The whole lot of us sang a beautiful Amen.
Reverend Woking shook me by suddenly announcing that I would stand and utter a short homily on Dandy Jack. He's a forgetful old sod. He should have said. I could have worked out what to say.
I rose and gazed about. Silence hung. Everybody but Helen was looking.
Dandy Jack's known as Dandy because he's so tatty. He was always cheerful. I remember once he passed over a job lot of two exquisite model railway pieces at an auction. One was a brass miniature of the famous Columbine made about 1850 (the one drive-wheel looks a bit big, but don't be discouraged because it always tends to on models). The second was a lovely model of Queen Adelaide's bed coach, No. 2. I've only ever seen their kind once before so they're hardly penny a dozen. When I'd groaned and cursed Dandy for missing a real find, he looked rueful for a second and said, peeved, 'I thought they were just bloody toys. What the hell did grown engineers want to make little things like that for?' Then he'd laughed and laughed at his own idiocy, so much that I'd found myself grinning too. Finally, I gave up being mad and laughed as well. We were in Woody's over egg and chips at the time. Lisa thought us barmy and Woody shouted from the back what the hell was going on in there and if people couldn't behave in a restaurant they'd have to piss off. That only made us worse. The place finished in uproar. Finally we'd gasped our way over to the Marquis of Granby and got paralytic drunk. It's a right game, this.
I looked about. Big Frank was reading his catalogue. Rink was piously bowed. I'm normally quite a good speaker, even with no notice, but it was a bit hard this time. I think I had a cold coming. I tried to start a couple of times but it didn't work. Dandy was almost in arm's reach. The coffin was covered beneath its heaps of flowers by a delicious purple embroidered pall, the precious and delicate Opus Anglicanum gold under-couching glittering against the rich colour. It's murder trying to copy. You just try. I recognized it as the one I'd tried to buy off Helen a year before. She'd sent me off with a flea in my ear: 'It's for millionaires and the crowned heads of Europe only, Lovejoy.' Dandy was neither.
I found myself just looking at the floor in silence. Some woman coughed to fill in, helping out.
'Dandy,' I managed at last. 'Whatever you find there, be a pal and save some for the rest of us.' I paused, thinking of me and Dandy getting ourselves chucked out of Woody's for laughing. It took another minute to get going. Bloody churches are full of draughts. 'It's not much help now, Dandy,' I said, 'but I'll do for the bastard that killed you whoever he was, so help me.' There was a lot of sudden shuffling. I heard Reverend Woking rise suddenly and then sit, aghast. 'Goodnight, Dandy,' I said. We all fidgeted a bit, coughed ourselves back into action.
That was it. It doesn't seem very much for a whole person.
I'd tell you the rest of the service but there's not much point. Afterwards we all went round saying we were sorry. Daft, really. It does no good. It's just what people do, I suppose.
Outside the Reverend Woking was worried sick. He had the harrowed look of a vicar burdened by a debt in search of a debtor.
'Er, Lovejoy - ' he said.
'Don't worry. I'll pay for the funeral and the service,' I said.
'Oh, fine, fine!' He went back to beaming goodbyes. Isn't religion a wonderful thing?
The rest were already stampeding back to town. Nichole tried to speak to me but her eyes filled up and she turned aside, poor kid. Rink gave me a blank specky stare as they drove past. Yes, I thought, I mean you, you bastard.
Janie stayed with me while they buried Dandy Jack. I told the vicar to get a posh stone for the grave. I'd pay, I said again. Not that it mattered. I'd no money for that either.
'Lovejoy,' Reverend Woking intoned in farewell. 'Remember that God works in mysterious ways.'
I nodded. I accept all that. It's just that I wish the Almighty had a better record in social reform.
I walked home.
