Charity did. And I didn’t force you to let Lucas rise from the dead. So stop blaming me for it.”
With that, Balthazar turned, grabbed his bathrobe and cigarettes, and went for the door. I wanted to protest but knew it would just drive him 122 over the edge. But Lucas said, “Hey. Balthazar.” He paused with his hand on the knob. “What?”
“You shouldn’t have yelled.” Lucas winced and then said, “But You’re not wrong.”
Balthazar simply stalked out, slamming the door behind him. Down the hall, I could hear a couple of people muttering about the noise. Lucas, hearing it, too, said, “Hope nobody recognized your name when he was shouting.”
“I can’t believe you took his side.”
“I’m on your side. No matter what.” Lucas put his hands on my shoulders, which were solid enough to bear the touch. “But you’ve been giving him attitude at the slightest excuse ever since — ever since we died, I guess. That is never going to stop sounding weird.”
“He shouldn’t have taken you along that night!”
“I shouldn’t have gone with him. But it was my choice, my call. Besides — ” Lucas clearly didn’t like admitting this, but he went ahead. “Losing you hit him almost as hard as it did me. If I wasn’t responsible for my actions that day. neither was he.”
I drifted slightly farther from Lucas, allowing myself to float to the windowsill, where I could tuck my knees against my chest. Hugging myself like a child, I realized, a kind of comfort I hadn’t outgrown. At the moment, I felt like there were way too many things I should ‘ ve outgrown, but hadn’t.
“I know how badly you want someone to blame,” Lucas said. “Someone who’s here, now, so you can give him hell. But Balthazar’s our friend, Bianca. He’s done a lot for us.”
Slowly I nodded. “I feel stupid.”
“You’re not stupid.” After a moment he said, “You thought about destroying me before I rose as a vampire. Balthazar talked you out of it.”
“Yeah. But I let him talk me out of it.” The heaviness of that unspoken question was too much to bear, now; I had to know. “Did I do the wrong thing? Lucas, I love you so much. I couldn’t let you go. But I realize. . I realize it’s what you probably wanted.”
“It’s done. I know you made your choices out of love. That’s enough,” Lucas said. Although I still felt horrible — both for even having considered destroying him, and for not carrying through — I knew he forgave me. I wished it truly could be enough.
“I wish I could cry.”
He caressed my hand, as though he could massage away my sadness. “How’s your leg?”
“Not great.” I flexed it and winced. “If I fade out, it will help, though…
“We’re never doing this again,” Lucas said. His face was stark. “If Charity’s able to hurt you in my dreams, then you can’t come into them.”
I remembered the first dream we had shared, back when Lucas had still been alive. We’d held each other in a bookstore where we’ d hung out, while the night sky miraculously stretched out overhead. It had been so beautiful and romantic; at the time, I had thought it was the only consolation we would have for my being dead. Now that, too, was lost.
My face must have fallen, because Lucas kissed my forehead, my cheek, and then my mouth, the lightest and most tender of touches. “It’s okay.” He didn’t look as depressed as I felt. Given the burdens on him, I would ‘ve thought the realization that Charity was torturing him in his dreams would be all it took to send him over the edge. Instead, he seemed steadier. “I mean, think about it. Balthazar’s heard of this, the invading of the dreams. Apparently lots of vampires have. That means they might know some way to handle it. A block or — or something like that.”
“Maybe.” That was encouraging. I brightened despite myself. “It’s possible.”
“Even if Balthazar doesn’t know how to push Charity back, Mrs. Bethany probably does. Cotta be something, right?”
“Right,” I said absently. Suddenly Charity didn’t seem like the only problem we had to deal with.
Lucas wanted to trust Mrs. Bethany. He wanted to share his deepest fears with her, and to turn to her for help. She might be able to save him when I couldn’t. And in that moment, I couldn’t blame him for not caring about the traps she’d laid.
It seemed to me as though everyone and everything — Charity, Mrs. Bethany, and his own blood hunger — was fighting me for Lucas’s soul.
The next morning, I returned to the fencing room. Although the class had ended for the day, the room Wasn’t empty. Balthazar stood in his fencing whites, mask pushed atop his head as he wiped sweat from his brow. After the others in the class had fmished, he’d stayed behind to practice his 12E technique — to fight invisible opponents that existed only in his mind.
I remembered that he often did that when he was stressed out; last night had been as rough for him as for me.
Slowly I took shape in the far corner of the room, giving him plenty of time to leave if he d idn’t want to talk. He stayed. Within a few seconds we were face — to — face again, though the whole broad expanse of the wooden floor lay between us.
“Hey,” I began. Lame, but maybe it was better to keep it simple at first.
“Hello.” Balthazar tested the weight of his blade In one hand, then the other, like the saber was new ro him Instead of an old friend. ‘Here to practice?”
“I never was any good at fencing.”
“You learned a lot. Don’t knock yourself.”
He could be kind to me, even now. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you last night. I shouldn ‘t have yelled at you about what happened to Lucas, not ever.”
Balthazar took a halfhearted stab at a nearby dummy. The steel curved into a thin arc under pressure. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that. You were injured, and clearly you were upset.”
“You didn’t say anything that didn’t need to be said.”
“But I could’ve picked a better way to say it.” He slipped the mask off his head and tucked it under one arm as he walked closer to me. The fencing whites had always been a good look for Balthazar, and I remembered for a moment what it had felt like to be so close to him.
I could never regret choosing Lucas, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t aware of what I’d lost when I chose.
As though he could read my thoughts, Balthazar smiled. “Friends again?”
“Yes, please.” I wanted to hug him, but that was probably a bad idea.
“Actually, most of the time, when you’re not upset, you’re very good about listening.”
Just as I was about to simply say thanks — and be relieved, since his words last night about me not shutting up had stung — I realized he might be giving me an opening. “Do I need to listen now?”
“Charity.” The name fell between us like a stone. “You were right when you said I was in denial about her. You’ve always been right about that.
And on some level, I’ve always known.”
Already I could feel anger pricking its way back into my consciousness, but this time I forced myself to remember that it was Charity I was angry at, not Balthazar. “She’s your sister.” The words came out calm and steady, for which I was grateful. “You love her. How could you help it?”
“That’s no excuse for letting her run wild. Letting her hurt people. Or not making myself think about what she might be doing to Lucas, and to you.”
“He didn’t tell you about it, though.” Lucas shared his feelings so openly with me that I’d had to stop and realize that he wasn’t as free with everyone else; even with the greater trust and liking between them now, Lucas would never have thought to talk to Balthazar about his bad dreams. “And you said Charity’s weakening herself to do this. I wouldn’t have expected that either.”
“I’ve heard him tossing and turning in his sleep for a month now, and I never put it together. That was criminally stupid, and worth yelling at me about.”
“I’m done yelling at you, okay? Forever.” Guilt slumped his shoulders and darkened his eyes, so I stepped closer and gently laid a hand on his arm. “You said yourself, invading people’s dreams like that — it’s rare.”
Balthazar nodded. “I’ve never done it. Never had it done to me. Charity must be sleeping almost all the time,
