The sun was in me. My head burned with gasses like to the orb of the sun. And the moon…
…the moon was awaiting the sun.
I was walking towards the summit of the tor.
What can you see?
The sky.
And…?
The tower.
Go to it. Put your hands upon its nearest corner at chest height.
Opening my hands, and the stone which had lain there was gone. A connecting. A shiver through the arms and into the breast, and I sprang away but did not fall this time.
Did not fall.
Knowing that the stone which had been in my hand had been absorbed back into the high standing stone whose spirit lived inside the tower upon the tor. And tower and stone both lived in me, when I walked back down the hill, lured by the the wappling of the water in the Blood Well at its foot. Rolling and sliding down the hill, my apparel left strewn out behind, and she was waiting and wore no cloak, nor over-dress, nor shift, and was but a haze in the soft air.
Soft. The softness of the grass where we lay. The softness of lips and breasts, the yielding of flesh, the rising of the tower, all the energy entering into it as I rolled over and felt the opening of the well-head in the thicket and then the tower sliding deep into the well. And, oh God, a tongue ’twixt criss-cross teeth, greenlit eyes in bright water, a fluid white light, the light of a thousand candles, a river of white light flowing through me.
And then, later, the sunrise in the heart.
And I will travel to Avalon, to the fairest of all maidens……and she shall make all my wounds sound and make me whole.
PART FOUR
Superstition requires credulity, just as true religion requires faith. Deep-rooted credulity is so powerful that it may even, in false beliefs, be thought to perform miracles. For if anyone believes most firmly that his religion is true, even if it is in fact false, he raises his spirit by reason of that very credulity until it becomes like the spirits who are the leaders and princes of that religion and seems to perform things which are not perceived by those in a normal and rational state.
De Occulta Philosophia.
XXXII
The Word
When I awoke before dawn, it was as if I’d slept for whole days. Or rather as if I’d been away for days. And I felt…
…felt my body was a strange place. Stretching out in the bed, I could feel all of it at once, from the soles of its feet to the weight of its skull and, betwixt them, the slow pulse of the unbound heart. And I felt…
Whole. I felt whole. Entire. Complete. Felt the heaviness of the sun in me, its holy rays opening me up into an aching, languid release, and I rolled over, reaching out an arm for her.
Nothing. Absence.
When the arm closed on cold air, I was in terror, my eyes falling open like a trapdoor into darkness. I sat up and took in the empty chair, the empty board. The empty bed. I was alone in the half-light.
Gone. Performed her alchemy and gone. I was thrown into panic: had it been a dream, a night excursion of the soul? I fell back, an aching void in me.
Then, as my face slipped between the pillows, the scent of her came to me, her body’s wild-animal musk, and my breath caught in my throat.
God. God, God, God…
Rolled out of bed and found myself naked, the cold dawn seizing my flesh. Yet, for the first time, welcoming its bite. I stood and pulsed and tingled as if all the stars were lit within me. Had other men felt this? Did all men feel this, after…?
After what, the condition of the bed and its emanations left little doubt. Thankful, tearful, I went back and laid upon it, burying my face in the scent of her, and when I closed my eyes the dust rose again, a ripple of images of moon and water, earth and…
…fire. Even the fire was good.
Jesu!
I came off the bed again, moved slowly to the window. Touching it. The strangeness of glass. The miracle of seeing out from within.
Of course, there must have been more to it. More than the potion, although that clearly had opened doors between my inner being and something that was out there. But, in some way, she ’d made that happen in the way it had, and there was a word for this.
The lower panes were jewelled with red and blue and orange, a pool of water on the sill reflecting these colours and more, and my eyes were drawn into it and I must have lost several minutes and…
Oh, yes, the word.
It had ever been with us, ever misunderstood, feared and rendered demonic by the churchmen – those same churchmen who preach that we should ever be open to higher influence.
I saw the wet roofs shining red. Raised my eyes to the first sunlight running like syrup along the ramparts of an old night cloud. Felt a trembling of my whole being. And uttered the word, breathing it softly into the coppery fire of the nascent day.
The word was magic.
I knelt, then, and prayed.
‘You all right, Dr John? You look…’
Cowdray in his sackcloth apron at the bottom of the stairs, all grey stubble and troubled eyes.
‘Thank you, I’m well,’ I said.
Hearing my own voice for, it seemed, the first time. It sounded frail, immature, a boy’s voice.
‘None of us slept much last night, mind,’ Cowdray said. ‘Worst storm of the winter, by some way.’
No, I wanted to tell him. This was the best of storms. Yet I knew there was much that was wrong. Moving down the stairs still feeling as if I walked in a body of light, yet knowing that even the rich magic of it must needs be contained before it hardened into a kind of madness.
‘Have you seen Nel Borrow?’
This name like a sacred name to me now, some angelic invocation.
‘No.’ Cowdray’s face had gone empty. ‘Not this past day.’
Of course, he had seen her, having offered her his attic room, but his caution was commendable, and I asked him nothing further. She would have slipped away while it was yet dark, without disturbing anyone. It was what she did: slipped away.
But I’d find her again. Needing her with me, more than ever. And the finding of her was a quest beyond all other quests, for she was Circe and Medea and Morgan le Fay and… I saw her in vivid image, looking down on me between two tall trees at the entrance to a track leading to the Blood Well.
And is learning acquired only from books?
Wondering, from Cowdray’s slightly alarmed look, if the wild scent of her was around me like a swirling
