“Goo-goo-goo,” the codgers chanted timidly, but the saintliest of them all was made from stronger stuff.
“I pray to the Heavenly Master of the First Origin!” he bellowed. “I pray to the Heavenly Master of the Dawn of Jade of the Golden Door! I pray to the Queen Mother Wang! I pray to Chang-o and the Hare! I pray to Mother Lightning and the Master of Rain and My Lord Thunder and the Earl of Wind and the Little Boy of the Clouds!”
“Goo-goo-goo-goo-goo!” cried the codgers, gaining a little backbone.
Master Li bent to the lock of the side gate, hidden by the crowd. His Holiness obligingly drowned out the scrape of the pick.
“I pray to the Great Emperor of the Eastern Peak! I pray to the Princess of Streaked Clouds! I pray to Kuan- yin and Kuan-ti and the Eight Immortals! I pray to Lady Horsehead and King-of-Oxen and the Transcendent Pig and Prince Millet and Hun-po Chao, patron deity of the armpits!”
“Goo-goo-goo-goo-goo!”
The lock snapped open and we slipped through the gate and closed it behind us. The noise faded as the line shuffled on toward the palace. We saw that there was a series of small gardens, each secured by a locked gate, and we would have to get through seven of them to reach the side of the palace. Master Li swore under his breath as he tackled the next lock. None of the picks was the right size, and he had to work with infinite care and patience. At last it opened and we raced through the next garden. The lock on the second gate was easier, but the third one was almost impossible. Master Li broke two picks and was trying to get leverage with a third when we heard footsteps crunching over gray gravel. It sounded like the approach of an elephant, and Moon Boy slipped back through the shrubbery to take a look.
“Got it,” Master Li whispered.
The gate swung open. We left it ajar for Moon Boy and ran through the next garden to the fourth gate. The crunching footsteps had stopped. Then I heard a noise that made the hair lift on my head.
A demon was angrily sniffing the scent of living flesh. The sound indicated something huge and horrible, and we heard a growl like muffled thunder. Master Li worked furiously on the lock, but it was another difficult one and when the footsteps started toward us I knew we'd never make it through in time. I picked up a large gray rock as a weapon and slipped back through the bushes, and when I parted some branches and peered out I had to stifle a howl of horror.
This demon was enough to terrify the great Ehr-lang. It stood at least ten feet tall. Its muscles looked like rolls of steel piled together, and its talons could rip tigers apart, and its fangs might have come from one of those creatures found frozen in Mongolian glaciers, and its nostrils were sniffing furiously, and its red eyes were blazing with blood lust. I was paralyzed. As I stood there like a statue, I suddenly realized I wasn't alone. Moon Boy stood across from me, mostly hidden by gray leaves, and he took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. In ten more steps the monster would reach a clearing where it could see the gate and Master Li, but Moon Boy was sauntering out to the path. The demon stared. Fangs glittered; talons lifted to strike.
Moon Boy smiled—the gray sky blurred and produced a patch of blue. Moon Boy smiled wider—two gray flowers strained to produce pink blossoms. Moon Boy reached high up and tickled the terrible creature beneath its chin.
“Come here, sugar,” Moon Boy purred, and he led the demon back into the bushes.
20
Master Li had to spend a great deal of time on the fourth and fifth locks. He was working on the sixth when we heard a sound behind us and a handsome young man came limping up the path. He was pale and weak and shaky, but he managed an elegant wave of a hand.
“Hell,” he said, “Is grossly maligned. I must come here often.”
I honored him with the three obeisances and nine kowtows.
“Buddha, the thing on that divine creature reminded me of the imperial flagpole at the funeral of General Ching!” Moon Boy said happily. “Better hurry. Any moment now the darling boy will catch his second wind and come looking for an encore.”
“Moon Boy, designing your medal will be one of the great challenges of the millennium,” said Master Li. “We'll have to acquire the services of Deng the Debauched, and even Deng will be hard put to do you justice without landing all of us in jail.”
The lock snapped open and we hurried through the garden to the seventh and last gate. Fortunately, it had an easy lock. We slipped through just as heavy crunching footsteps approached, and we reached the palace wall as a huge hoarse voice cooed, “Yoo-hoo?” I found a likely window and a moment later we were inside.
Down a corridor ahead of us was a huge room where endless rows of clerks scribbled in enormous ledgers, and above the doorway was the inscription “Tribunal of the Ninth Realm of Darkness.” We straightened our clothing and brushed off gray leaves and dirt. I raised the state umbrella proudly, and Master Li marched beneath it into the anteroom. Bureaucrats were dashing in and out of a doorway, and I actually got a glimpse of a Yama King: a dark crowned shape seated upon a throne, surrounded by clerks and courtiers. In all great bureaucracies the clerks are too busy and important to look up, so Master Li simply marched past rows of doors until he came to one with the title “Treasurer of the Ninth Realm of Darkness.” He shoved the door open and we walked inside. We marched past more busy clerks to a great desk where a spirit who resembled a shark was clicking like mad on two abacuses at once, and the nine buttons on his gauze cap indicated that we had reached the treasurer himself. Cold shark eyes lifted to Master Li's emblems and state umbrella “No inspection has been scheduled,” he snapped.
“Of course not,” Master Li said with equal coldness. “One who raids an illegal cricket-fighting parlor does not announce his plans in advance.”
The treasurer shot to his feet. “You dare to compare this office to a cricket-fighting parlor?” he said furiously.
Master Li shrugged “In such establishments peculiar things happen to the odds, and it has come to the attention of the Son of Heaven that peculiar things have happened to the odds in this office.”
“Explain yourself, sir!”
“The emperor,” Master Li said, “has been informed that the fee which purchased his own release from Hell has been unaccountably increased, which makes it virtually impossible for those unfairly imprisoned to be saved.”
“A lie! A vicious and unfounded slander!” the treasurer yelled. “Emperor T'ang purchased his passage for thirteen casks of silver and gold, and thirteen casks remains the price!”
“I sincerely hope so. We are here to ensure that the system works smoothly and equitably, and there is but one way of doing so,” said Master Li. The Son of Heaven, you will recall, had no funds with him but was able to borrow on the credit account of the saintly Hsiang Liang.”
The treasurer sat down. A smile was on his face and malice was in his eyes.
“The emperor indeed did so, but only on the authority of Minister Ts'ui,” he said softly. “It so happens that I currently occupy the ministerial position, and do you have my authority to borrow on the account of Hsiane Lianc?”
Master Li wrinkled his nose. “Who said anything about using the same account? Since there are three of us we shall require three times the amount, and I doubt that even Hsiang Liang's good deeds have deposited that much.”
“Less than twenty mortals in all history have amassed thirty-nine casks of silver and gold in their credit accounts,” the treasurer said with a malicious laugh. “I sincerely hope for your sake that you are in a position to borrow from T'su T'sin, the priest of the Temple of Lepers,”
“Nothing so grand,” said Master Li, bowing reverently at the name. One hand was behind his back and the fingers were tightly crossed. “We request you to check the credit balance of—”
Moon Boy and I stared at each other. Who could possibly have that much virtue on deposit?
“— a common singsong girl and prostitute named Grief of Dawn,” Master Li said calmly.
We smothered yelps of astonishment. The treasurer grabbed ledgers and ran his finger down rows of names and numbers, and when the finger stopped I thought he had suffered a stroke. “You have proof of permission to borrow on this account?” he said in a choked whisper.
