“Have you tried them?”
“Several times.”
“And you didn’t scream?”
“Of course not. I passed out before I could scream. Gimme your hand.”
After a liberal dose of iodine, he draped some living stitches over my hand. Living stitches were a synthetic fabric seeded with genetically altered bacteria. The germs were packed with human codons, specifically the genes that repaired skin. A miracle of modern medicine. But the rapid healing involved the little buggers reopening the wound and rearranging the cells, which hurt more than the damage they were repairing.
After my third scream, Penis ran out of the room, frightened.
“You scared away my pachyderm,” McGlade said.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” I replied.
“Now let’s get started on that arm.”
The arm hurt a lot worse, and apparently at some point I followed McGlade’s advice and passed out.
NINETEEN
I awoke lying on the floor. Penis the bonsai African elephant was sitting on my chest, staring at me.
The first thing I did was check my nose. It seemed okay. I also smacked my lips, trying to detect any funny tastes in my mouth.
“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.” McGlade was sitting at his desk. “While you were out, I injected your ribs with nanotubes. How do you feel?”
“Better,” I said. My brain was still a bit foggy, and my stomach felt like I’d been on a cruise during a typhoon, but my various aches and pains had all vanished. Except for my arm, where Sata had hit me. That was still numb.
“My fingers are tingling.”
“I noticed that. You’ve got some sort of nerve damage. That’s beyond what I can do here. You need to visit an ER for that.”
Penis trumpeted at me, spraying my face with elephant snot.
“Your pet sucks,” I said, gently shoving him off my chest.
“Yeah. But he’s really expensive.”
I sat up, letting the room come into focus. The first thing I thought of was Vicki. I pressed my earlobe. No dial tone. I pressed it again.
“Try hitting yourself on the side of the head,” McGlade said.
I gave myself a swift tap.
“Harder.”
I reared back and really whacked myself, almost tipping over.
“Is that how this is supposed to work?” I asked, shaking away the wooziness.
“Naw. I haven’t turned it on yet. I just wanted to see if you’d hit yourself.”
“Asshole.”
McGlade grinned, then pressed a button on a remote control he had in his hand. A dial tone came on in my head.
“Call Vicki.”
The headphone connected to hers, but I got voice mail. She must have still been dealing with the cops and couldn’t talk.
“Still with the SLP, huh, Talon?”
“Yeah.”
“You know, she’s got to be one of the last natural redheads on the planet. They’re almost extinct. She is natural, right? The carpet matches the drapes?”
“She’s natural.” If he hadn’t just saved my tail, I might have objected to where this conversation was heading.
“That’s so hot. You know, maybe I could reduce my fee if she could fit me into her schedule. Is she taking new clients?”
“No.”
“How about for quick sessions? I’d only need about two minutes.”
“Let’s stop talking about Vicki.”
“What if it wasn’t overtly sexual?”
“That wasn’t a suggestion, McGlade.”
“I like feet,” he stated matter-of-factly.
I stared at him.
“Maybe she could step on me sometime,” he continued.
Seeing he wasn’t going to let it go, I said, “I’ll check her calendar.”
“Thanks, pal. I also like blow jobs.”
I stood up and rubbed my neck. “How long was I out?”
“An hour. I threw your clothes in the washer/dryer. Should be done by now.”
“You have a washer/dryer?”
“I get it. You said that because my clothes are always dirty. Jackass.”
“Next you’ll say you have a maid.”
“I do have a maid. But when she comes over we spend the whole time in bed and she never has a chance to clean anything.”
“Does she have cute feet?”
“No. Her toes are hairy, and they smell like cheese. But I let her step on me anyway.”
I reminded myself that I’d come here willingly. “Where’s my DT and belt?”
“All your shit is in the laundry room.”
I walked out of the office. McGlade scooped up Penis and followed me.
“You want something to eat? I could order out. There’s a place up the street that delivers. They do the best bald eagle nachos. I know most people think bald eagles are vermin, like rats. But these things melt in your mouth.”
I found the laundry room. The clothes were on the drying cycle, with a few minutes left. My utility belt and gear were on top. I picked up my DT.
“Can you hack my Taser?” I asked. “Make it work again?”
“No. Wi-Fi is hackable because there are so many free hot spots. Tesla electricity is all chip-based, dependent on ID and account numbers. Unhackable.”
“Can I buy one of your Tasers?”
“Mine are DNA-specific. Only I can fire them.”
Just like mine and every other registered Taser out there. I couldn’t even use his bullets.
“How about the Magnum?”
“Sure. Do you have half a million credits? Because that’s what it’s worth.”
“You’re supposed to be this legendary black market dealer, McGlade. Don’t you have any weapons?”
“Really? Legendary?”
“Weapons, McGlade.”
“No, Talon. Weapons are so 2050. I deal in books, posters, art, real denim blue jeans, that kind of shit. Didn’t you hear we’ve given up violence as a species in favor of a green utopia?”
“I heard. But someone isn’t playing by those rules.”
McGlade folded his arms. “Yeah. You’re that someone. I saw the transmission, you and that old ugly chick. Remind me never to play Twister with you.”
“That wasn’t me.”
“The ID chip proved it was.”
