chopped liver?’ We camped well before dusk on the second day. I would like to think it was because Spideog’s muscles were howling with the altitude and the cold as much as mine, but it was probably because we came onto a place that was wide enough for all of us to sleep safely.
It was not a comfortable night. The thin air meant that even though we had stopped climbing my legs still ached. We made a small fire to brew willow tea but we didn’ have enough wood to build one for warmth. The wind whistled around so that we almost had to shout at each other.
I sat next to Brendan with my back against the mountain and said, ‘Are you enjoying our vacation?’
He did a strange thing then, he turned completely away from me and presented his other ear and said, ‘Say that again.’
So I did. ‘Are you enjoying our vacation?’
He sat back down and asked me to say it again so I said it a third time.
‘Well I’ll be damned,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘About five years ago I went to the rifle range to test some experimental ammunition. The officer in the firing stall next to me was a quick draw. I thought he was finished so I took off my ear protectors just as his gun misfired. I have only had about 20 per cent hearing in this ear ever since.’
‘Sorry to hear that,’ I said, wincing at my accidental pun.
‘Don’t be. The weird thing is, I can hear perfectly now. This place is astounding. If I wasn’t so worried about my daughter and the junk my lunatic mother must be filling her head with, I’d think I was in paradise. I’m climbing a mountain without even breaking a sweat. Back home I could hardly walk up three flights of stairs without wheezing. And my accuracy with a bow and arrow is almost better than with a gun. This place is amazing.’
‘As I recall, I told you that a long time ago.’
‘Well, I’m starting to believe you, Conor.’
After half an hour of walking on the third day of the climb, we spotted the Yew House above us. Five hours later and after completing almost two circumnavigations, the sun was high in the sky and I was actually working up a good sweat despite the cold. We came to a sharp bend in the path that was covered by another one of those frozen fords and Spideog once again made us rope-up and don crampons and ice picks. I remembered laughing at the old guy when he made us pack all of this stuff, but not now. The wet ice in the noonday sun would have been impossibly treacherous to traverse without crampons.
Spideog, in the lead, had just rounded the corner when his rope went slack. Then Brendan, in front of me, disappeared around the bend, stopped and said, ‘Oh my.’ Rounding the bend myself I saw what had stopped my fellow mountaineers. Standing on the path just past the ice floe were two tall thin men dressed in tight woolly brown tunics and trousers – Brownies. They stood there with one fist on their hip. They would have looked just like an illustration in an old copy of Peter Pan, if it wasn’t for the cocked crossbows in their other hands.
Spideog spoke first. ‘Greetings. We come to speak with the Master of the Yew House.’
The Brownies just stood there and grinned. I didn’t like it. Neither did Spideog. He raised his voice and repeated himself. Still we got nothing from the skinny guys in brown.
Spideog planted his pick into the ice and unslung his bow from his back. He didn’t notch an arrow in it but I’ve seen the ter archer load a bow and it doesn’t take him but a second. Brendan planted his pick into the floe, mirroring his tutor. I guess I could have just stood there but the others were slamming their picks into the ice, so I did too.
The crack started immediately. It moved like lightning from the point where my pick pierced the ice, to where Brendan’s was planted, to past Spideog’s feet. Then the rumble began as the entire ice sheet began to slide. I thought the whole mountain was about to collapse. Brendan went straight down on his nose. I managed to keep one crampon on the ice but had to go down on one knee. Spideog kept his footing and yelled, ‘Run.’
I dug in my spikes and passed Brendan as he was trying to stand up. Spideog ran straight towards the Brownies, whom I expected at any second to shoot us but instead they just stood there looking bemused. I reached hard ice-free ground not long after the old guy. We both grabbed the rope attached to Brendan and dragged him to safety. I was just about to switch grips to the rope that went from me to Araf when I was pulled sideways off my feet and back onto the ice. As my head smacked onto the cold floor I saw the terrifying image of the Imp prince sliding off the side of the mountain. Araf let out a squeal like a little girl while I dug all ten of my fingernails into the frozen water desperately trying to get any purchase on the sliding ice.
The rope around my waist pushed all of the air out of my lungs as it pulled tight. Brendan and Spideog were on the hard ground and had a good hold of my rope but the pull from Araf’s weight was almost cutting me in half. The ice sheet slid past me and rained down on my poor bodyguard. I could feel the impact of every block of ice as it smashed into the Imp, who grunted with every blow. I just hoped his rope would hold.
When the frozen waterfall finished the only bit of ice left on the trail was below me. I rolled to my left and planted my heels into the hard stone.
‘Araf,’ I yelled, ‘are you all right?’
There was no answer for two long seconds then I heard him say, ‘I would appreciate it, Conor, if you could pull me up from here.’
Apparently Araf’s mother had told him to always be polite even when he was hanging off a fatal precipice attached to a bit of string.
After getting him on solid ground, Araf gave me an uncharacteristic emotional hug that made us both fall over. The two Brownies stared down at us with strange grins.
‘Thanks for the help, boys,’ I said. ‘We couldn’t have done it without you.’
That seemed to bemuse them and I made a mental note to leave sarcasm out of any future Brownie communications.
‘Now,’ I said, getting to my feet, ‘I’d like to see this Oracle of yours.’
‘Yes,’ the taller of the two said, ‘but will he want to see you?’
The Yew House was the most un-Tir na Nogian thing I had seen in The Land. The all-wood facade and shuttered windows made it look like some Malibu beach house you would see on a TV show about the rich and famous. The Brownies wordlessly escorted us onto the porch then told us to wait. Unlike a Californian beach house the porch didn’t have any furniture so we sat on the steps. Ages later the Brownies re-emerged and one announced that only ‘the Son of Duir’ might enter.
I was tired and I had recently almost fallen off a cliff and these guys were starting to tick me off, so I didn’t even stand up. I just said, ‘Nope.’
The Brownie looked beyond confused. ‘I do not understand,’ he said.
‘Either we all go in or we leave,’ I said, standing.
Poor Brownie guy, he looked so befuddled I had an image of his head popping off his shoulders and a bunch of spring works and cogs shooting out of his neck. ‘Only the Son of Duir,’ he repeated.
‘So be it; let’s go, guys.’ I turned and started down the mountain. My companions just stared at me.
‘Are we playing a bit of poker here?’ Brendan asked, in English.
‘Of course,’ I replied in the same language, ‘you think I’m gonna hump all the way up this hill and not get any answers? Let’s just see how much he wants to see me.’
Brendan nodded and put his arm on Spideog’s and Araf’s shoulders and said, ‘All right, let’s go.’ The boys started to object, there is obviously no Texas Hold-um in The Land. Brendan pushed them off the porch, ‘You heard the boss, come on.’
‘Wait,’ came a squeaky sound out of the Brownie, ‘wait here.’
He scurried into the Yew House. I sat on the bottom step suppressing the impulse of making them chase us down the trail.
Ten minutes later I was still trying to explain to Araf the subtleties of bluffing.
‘You mean lying,’ he said.
‘It’s not lying, it’s saying an untruth in order to make your opponent give in to you,’ I expounded.
‘It still sounds like lying.’
‘Well, I think we should try a little poker, Araf. I bet you would be quite good at it.’
‘I don’t lie.’
‘It’s not lying, it’s bluffing!’
Our Brownie messenger came onto the porch, saving Araf and me from going around that circle again. Now
