Now, from the whole adventure, Watson carried away no bitterness. It was a social experience of a new order, and it led to the writing of another book, which he entitled, 'POLICE COURT PROCEDURE: A Tentative Analysis.'
One summer morning a year later, on his ranch, he left his horse and himself clambered on through a miniature canyon to inspect some rock ferns he had planted the previous winter. Emerging from the upper end of the canyon, he came out on one of his flower-spangled meadows, a delightful isolated spot, screened from the world by low hills and clumps of trees. And here he found a man, evidently on a stroll from the summer hotel down at the little town a mile away. They met face to face and the recognition was mutual. It was Judge Witberg. Also, it was a clear case of trespass, for Watson had trespass signs upon his boundaries, though he never enforced them.
Judge Witberg held out his hand, which Watson refused to see.
'Politics is a dirty trade, isn't it, Judge?' he remarked. 'Oh, yes, I see your hand, but I don't care to take it. The papers said I shook hands with Patsy Horan after the trial. You know I did not, but let me tell you that I'd a thousand times rather shake hands with him and his vile following of curs, than with you.'
Judge Witberg was painfully flustered, and as he hemmed and hawed and essayed to speak, Watson, looking at him, was struck by a sudden whim, and he determined on a grim and facetious antic.
'I should scarcely expect any animus from a man of your acquirements and knowledge of the world,' the Judge was saying.
'Animus?' Watson replied. 'Certainly not. I haven't such a thing in my nature. And to prove it, let me show you something curious, something you have never seen before.' Casting about him, Watson picked up a rough stone the size of his fist. 'See this. Watch me.'
So saying, Carter Watson tapped himself a sharp blow on the cheek. The stone laid the flesh open to the bone and the blood spurted forth.
'The stone was too sharp,' he announced to the astounded police judge, who thought he had gone mad.
'I must bruise it a trifle. There is nothing like being realistic in such matters.'
Whereupon Carter Watson found a smooth stone and with it pounded his cheek nicely several times.
'Ah,' he cooed. 'That will turn beautifully green and black in a few hours. It will be most convincing.'
'You are insane,' Judge Witberg quavered.
'Don't use such vile language to me,' said Watson. 'You see my bruised and bleeding face? You did that, with that right hand of yours. You hit me twice—biff, biff. It is a brutal and unprovoked assault. I am in danger of my life. I must protect myself.'
Judge Witberg backed away in alarm before the menacing fists of the other.
'If you strike me I'll have you arrested,' Judge Witberg threatened.
'That is what I told Patsy,' was the answer. 'And do you know what he did when I told him that?'
'No.'
'That!'
And at the same moment Watson's right fist landed flush on Judge Witberg's nose, putting that legal gentleman over on his back on the grass.
'Get up!' commanded Watson. 'If you are a gentleman, get up—that's what Patsy told me, you know.'
Judge Witberg declined to rise, and was dragged to his feet by the coat-collar, only to have one eye blacked and be put on his back again. After that it was a red Indian massacre. Judge Witberg was humanely and scientifically beaten up. His checks were boxed, his cars cuffed, and his face was rubbed in the turf. And all the time Watson exposited the way Patsy Horan had done it. Occasionally, and very carefully, the facetious sociologist administered a real bruising blow. Once, dragging the poor Judge to his feet, he deliberately bumped his own nose on the gentleman's head. The nose promptly bled.
'See that!' cried Watson, stepping back and deftly shedding his blood all down his own shirt front. 'You did it. With your fist you did it. It is awful. I am fair murdered. I must again defend myself.'
And once more Judge Witberg impacted his features on a fist and was sent to grass.
'I will have you arrested,' he sobbed as he lay.
'That's what Patsy said.'
'A brutal—-sniff, sniff,—and unprovoked—sniff, sniff—assault.'
'That's what Patsy said.'
'I will surely have you arrested.'
'Speaking slangily, not if I can beat you to it.'
And with that, Carter Watson departed down the canyon, mounted his horse, and rode to town.
An hour later, as Judge Witberg limped up the grounds to his hotel, he was arrested by a village constable on a charge of assault and battery preferred by Carter Watson.
V
'Your Honor,' Watson said next day to the village Justice, a well to do farmer and graduate, thirty years before, from a cow college, 'since this Sol Witberg has seen fit to charge me with battery, following upon my charge of battery against him, I would suggest that both cases be lumped together. The testimony and the facts are the same in both cases.'
To this the Justice agreed, and the double case proceeded. Watson, as prosecuting witness, first took the stand and told his story.
'I was picking flowers,' he testified. 'Picking flowers on my own land, never dreaming of danger. Suddenly this man rushed upon me from behind the trees. 'I am the Dodo,' he says, 'and I can do you to a frazzle. Put up your hands.' I smiled, but with that, biff, biff, he struck me, knocking me down and spilling my flowers. The language he used was frightful. It was an unprovoked and brutal assault. Look at my cheek. Look at my nose—I could not understand it. He must have been drunk. Before I recovered from my surprise he had administered this beating. I was in danger of my life and was compelled to defend himself. That is all, Your Honor, though I must say, in conclusion, that I cannot get over my perplexity. Why did he say he was the Dodo? Why did he so wantonly attack me?'
And thus was Sol Witberg given a liberal education in the art of perjury. Often, from his high seat, he had listened indulgently to police court perjuries in cooked-up cases; but for the first time perjury was directed against him, and he no longer sat above the court, with the bailiffs, the Policemen's clubs, and the prison cells behind him.
'Your Honor,' he cried, 'never have I heard such a pack of lies told by so bare-faced a liar—!'
Watson here sprang to his feet.
'Your Honor, I protest. It is for your Honor to decide truth or falsehood. The witness is on the stand to testify to actual events that have transpired. His personal opinion upon things in general, and upon me, has no bearing on the case whatever.'
The Justice scratched his head and waxed phlegmatically indignant.
'The point is well taken,' he decided. 'I am surprised at you, Mr. Witberg, claiming to be a judge and skilled in the practice of the law, and yet being guilty of such unlawyerlike conduct. Your manner, sir, and your methods, remind me of a shyster. This is a simple case of assault and battery. We are here to determine who struck the first blow, and we are not interested in your estimates of Mr. Watson's personal character. Proceed with your story.'
Sol Witberg would have bitten his bruised and swollen lip in chagrin, had it not hurt so much. But he contained himself and told a simple, straightforward, truthful story.
'Your Honor,' Watson said, 'I would suggest that you ask him what he was doing on my premises.'
'A very good question. What were you doing, sir, on Mr. Watson's premises?'
'I did not know they were his premises.'
'It was a trespass, your Honor,' Watson cried. 'The warnings are posted conspicuously.'
'I saw no warnings,' said Sol Witberg.
