also called Daddy. She said that he sounded upset on the telephone, and was returning immediately. The efficiency she displayed in taking care of all the details only increased our admiration for her.
We had agreed beforehand that the impression we wanted to give the authorities was that Lonnie and I were in deep shock over the tragic accident. This way, Mai would be justified in giving us a couple of tranquilizers, making it impossible for the police to question us so soon after the incident. We would have at least twenty-four hours to have our stories down pat. The possibility that Lonnie and I would make a mistake was greatly reduced.
By the time Daddy arrived home, Lonnie and I had slept off our supposed sedatives, and the case had been closed by the police-labeled as an accident. We never did answer any questions. Mai took care of that end.
Daddy did not suspect a thing. He constantly praised Mai for the tremendous help she had been to the family during the time of crisis. As a matter of fact, she continued to help, making the funeral arrangements and answering the telephone calls of well-wishers.
Even though Daddy was now in the process of closing a very unhappy chapter in his life, it was apparent that he was still filled with guilt. Fortunately, the prospects of starting a new chapter with the beautiful Mai Widner went a long way in making his sorrow tolerable. We, the three conspirators, also maintained sad and solemn demeanors. It would have been insane to screw up what we had accomplished by gloating over our success.
Mother was gone. Now, all I wanted in life was to take Daddy as my first true lover. He would be the one who I thought could best prepare me for a full and happy sexual life. If I could commit murder, I figured, seducing my father should be easy. I knew that as long as this remained a fantasy, the more obsessed I would become.
CHAPTER TWELVE
After the funeral, life for the four of us became more normal than ever before. Lonnie and I went back to school, nearing graduation, while Daddy resumed his job at the Network. Mai, the least affected of all of us, continued with her weekly show and gave most of her non-working time to ensure that our household functioned smoothly.
The most immediate benefit resulting from my mother's death was the change in my father. For the first time in many years, he was not burdened by the maintenance and care my mother demanded. And emotionally, he was free to seek the things that made him happy. Of course, he didn't have to look very far for the person that had the most positive effect on him.
In a matter of days, it seemed, the sorrow and guilt over Mother's death was overridden by an effervescence Lonnie and I hadn't seen before in our father. His relationship with Mai could now come out of the illicit shadows. They were able to be seen in public, and, occasionally, were even written up as an item in the gossip columns. Mai was talented and beautiful, and Daddy was dashing and eligible. The match was portrayed as made in heaven. Only Lonnie, Mai, and myself knew how large a part the devil played.
From what I could see, ridding the world of my mother was well worth it. I was not experiencing any guilt, nor did Lonnie appear to be experiencing any, either. If guilt could be measured by outward appearances, Mai, too, showed no signs of regretting her role in the fatal conspiracy. There were no drawbacks, only benefits. We all felt that there would never be any reason to inform Daddy. We could not be sure how he would react, nor did we want to take the chance of spoiling everything we had accomplished.
If there was any negative result at all, it was the fact that Lonnie and I were no longer able to enjoy a sexual life with Mai. She was now sleeping in Daddy's bed, and was obviously getting the sex she needed. I was truly happy for her, but I did miss the open, erotic relationship that we shared that fateful weekend while Daddy was away. Although Lonnie and I continued to take care of each other's basic needs, I was soon finding that it was not enough.
I needed much, much more. Having Mai and then losing her was a blow, that although I could handle, I would have strongly preferred not to. I was not jealous of Daddy and I really did understand, but emotionally and sexually I missed her. Some of the happy glow that had accompanied the death of my mother was too quickly gone. Of course, we were still able to talk and I did confide in her the emptiness I was experiencing, but this was only part of my need.
I guess that not having Mai as a sexual partner and the lack of progress I was making in getting Daddy to relieve me of my virginity were taking their toll on my usual sunny disposition. Although school took up a great deal of my time, it didn't go far enough in filling this void. It was true that I was attracted to some of my male classmates, but I didn't want to get involved with them until my sensitive virginity was a thing of the past. And until I could somehow enlist my father to take care of my need, I saw no end to my mounting frustration.
The fact that Lonnie didn't appear to miss his sexual encounters with Mai puzzled me at first. Although the frequency of our brother-sister masturbation sessions didn't decrease, they didn't have the same intensity that they had in the beginning. At least that was the case with Lonnie. My own intensity seemed to be the same, and the feelings that our little meetings generated were still wonderful. But for me, there was something missing. It was only when Lonnie told me that he had recently become sexually active with three different girls that I understood why his own head didn't seem totally into it.
Jealousy, again, was not a factor. It was just that the rest of my family and Mai were being sexually fulfilled, and I wasn't. And the most depressing thought of all was that if I didn't get Daddy to finish my sexual schooling and Lonnie became more involved with his women and less involved with me, I might be without any erotic stimulation at all.
The only solution that I could think of was to try again to impress upon Mai my growing frustration with my deteriorating sex life. I knew that she would understand, and I hoped that she could see how unhappy it was making me. Now that she had found a certain contentment with Daddy, I wondered if my desire for my father would no longer be acceptable to her. Mai didn't seem to be the jealous type, and before the death of my mother, she was very supportive of the idea. It was just possible that, as in the case of my mother, she would again come up with the solution that would lift my pressing problem from my shoulders.
It was over a month before Mai had a real chance to talk. Daddy and Lonnie had gone to a baseball game, leaving us alone. Mai was living at the house permanently now, but still retained her apartment in the city for convenience. We were dressed in our nightclothes as we sat across from each other at the breakfast table.
'Gee, Mai, it has been a long time since we have been alone,' I stated.
'You're right, Lana, we haven't been able to have a good talk in some time. That doesn't change how much I love you. The last month or so has been quite hectic, and we just keep missing our connections,' Mai offered sincerely.
'Oh, Mai, it must be tough, getting used to a whole new life and all. You don't need to explain anything to me. What you have done for Daddy makes everything worth it. And Lonnie and I will never forget how happy you made us. Just knowing that you…' I had to turn away so she wouldn't see the tears running down my face.
'Lana, sweetheart,' Mai said, walking around to my side of the table and putting her arm around my shoulder, 'You're not very happy, are you? I would hope that you would tell me if anything is bothering you. I truly care about you, Lana, and I want to see you happy. Please tell me what it is.'
'It's not very important,' I lied. I don't want you to start worrying about my problems.
'Oh, Lana, that's silly. I insist you tell me what is making you so sad,' she said, turning my head until she was looking me in the eye.
'Okay,' I finally answered, 'but please don't think that it is so earth-shatteringly important.'
'Why don't you let me decide what is important. Okay?' Mai asked.
The words poured from my mouth like a raging river. I told her everything, focusing on my desire to have my father make love to me. I also reminded her about the promise she had made to me concerning birth control.
'I haven't forgotten. Early next week, I have an appointment to see my gynecologist, and I made one for you at the same time. So if nothing else, we will, at least, have you prepared. Now, as far as your father is concerned, that is another problem entirely. I have subtly hinted that the sex education of his two offspring was being seriously neglected. Unfortunately, he said that he was much too embarrassed to broach such a subject. He stated that if it was necessary, he could handle a talk with Lonnie, but there would be no way he could discuss it with you. He doesn't yet realize that you are a sexual being. I guess you know how protective fathers are about their daughters, especially where sex is concerned,' Mai explained.
