I took my drink with me and went around the counter and picked up the phone and called Susan. Her voice was full of sleep.
'Guess I woke you up,' I said.
'It's quarter to three,' Susan said. 'Are you all right?'
'More or less,' I said. 'I needed to hear your voice.'
The sleepy thickness vanished from her voice.
'Where are you?' she said.
'Home.'
'Are you drunk.'
'Somewhat,' I said.
'Do you need me to come over?'
'No,' I said. 'I need you to tell me you love me.'
'I do love you,' Susan said. 'Sometimes I think I have loved you all my life.'
'You haven't known me all your life.'
'A meaningless technicality,' Susan said.
'I love you,' I said.
'I know,' Susan said. 'Has something bad happened?'
'I've had to shoot some people,' I said.
'You're not hurt.'
'No.'
'You've had to shoot people before. It's part of what you do.'
'I know.'
'But?'
'But,' I said, 'rarely in pursuit of so measly a grail.'
'The truth?'
'The truth sometimes sounds better than it is,' I said.
'I agree. But it's no measly grail.'
'And the violence.'
'You are a violent man,' Susan said. 'You have been all your life.'
'How good a thing is that,' I said.
'It's neither good nor bad,' Susan said. 'It simply is. What makes you who you are is that you have contained it within a set of rules that you can't even articulate.'
'Sonova bitch,' I said.
'You know it's true,' she said. 'Even bad as you feel right now, and some of that is booze talking, at the center of your soul you know you didn't do a wrong thing.'
'Maybe that's a lie I tell myself.'
'No,' Susan said.
'Flat no?'
'I'm a shrink. I'm allowed to say that. Besides,' Susan said, 'you are the damn grail.'
'I am?'
'You are,' she said. 'A lifelong quest to be true to who you are.'
'And that's a good thing?' I said.
'It's the only thing,' she said. 'Good or bad. It is the simple fact of you.' I could hear the smile in Susan's voice. 'And for what it's worth, I wouldn't want you to be different.'
'Even if I could be,' I said.
'Which you can't,' Susan said.
'So what makes me better than Harvey?'
'Would I ever fall in love with Harvey?'
'No.'
I didn't say anything. Susan let me be quiet for awhile. Silence was never a problem for us.
'No,' I said. 'You couldn't.'
