'How long have you known Hawk?' she said.
'All my adult life.'
'How old were you when you met him?'
'Seventeen.'
'Good God,' Cecile said. 'It's hard to imagine either of you being anything but what you are right now.'
'Hawk wants you to understand why he doesn't want you to visit.'
'He doesn't need to explain,' Cecile said.
'He doesn't want you to see him when he isn't… when he is, ah, anything but what he has always been.'
Cecile nodded. She was looking at her drink, turning the stem of the glass slowly in her fingers.
'I am a thoracic surgeon,' she said. 'I am a black, female thoracic surgeon. Do you have any guess how many of us there are?'
'You're the only black female surgeon I know,' I said.
'Surgery is still mostly for the boys. If you're a woman and want to be a surgeon, you need to be tough. If you are a black woman and want to do surgery…'
She drank a little more.
'I do not,' she said, 'need a man to protect me. I don't need one who can't be hurt.'
'No,' I said. 'I think Hawk knows that.'
She raised her eyebrows.
'But he needs to be that,' I said. 'Not for you. For him.'
'That's childish,' Cecile said.
'He knows that,' I said.
'He could change,' Cecile said.
'He doesn't want to. That's the center of him. He is what he wants to be. It's how he's handled the world.'
'The world being a euphemism for racism?'
'For racism, for cruelty, for loneliness, for despair… for the world.'
'Does that mean he can't love?'
'I don't know. He doesn't seem to hate.'
'It's a high price,' she said.
'It is,' I said.
'I'm black.'
'That doesn't make you just like Hawk,' I said.
'I don't have to pay that kind of price.'
'You're not just like Hawk.'
'Neither are you,' she said.
'No,' I said, 'neither am I.'
'So what are you saying?'
'I'm saying he can't see you until he's Hawk again. His Hawk. And he cares enough about you to want me to explain it.'
'I'm not sure you have,' Cecile said.
'No. I'm not sure I have, either,' I said.
'Have you ever been hurt like this?' Cecile said.
'Yes.'
'Did you want to be alone?'
'Susan and Hawk were with me. But the circumstance was different.'
The waiter drifted solicitously by. I nodded. He paused. I ordered two more drinks. Cecile looked out the window for a while.
'You love her,' Cecile said.
'I do.'
'Is there a circumstance in which you would not want her with you?'
'No.'
Cecile smiled again.
