'Oh, spare me,' Cecile said.
Hawk nodded thoughtfully.
'Cecile,' he said. 'You know, and I know, and they know, you got a nice offer in Cleveland, but that you going because you mad at me for not being who you want me to be.'
'I'm not mad, damn it,' Cecile said. 'I love you, and I can't stand that I can't have you.'
'Not good dinner conversation,' Hawk said. 'But it's on the table. If you love me, you could have me. You love somebody else and insist I be him.'
'Oh, shit,' Cecile said.
She looked at Susan.
'You understand.'
Susan nodded. I was hoping she would settle for the nod. But she couldn't.
'I do understand,' Susan said. 'But I'm not sure that means I agree.'
'You don't think I should go to Cleveland?' Cecile said. She was finishing her second martini.
'I'm sorry to sound shrinky,' Susan said, 'but I think you should do what's in your best interest. Given who you are and what you need, it may very well be in your best interest to end it with Hawk.'
'But?' Cecile said.
'But it's probably important to see that it is your doing, not his.'
'What difference does it make?' Cecile said. 'He won't change.'
'Probably can't change; neither can you. But if you blame him, you'll feel victimized all your life.'
Cecile caught the waiter's eye and ordered a third martini. She was silent while he got it. None of the rest of us said anything. Party hearty!
'I never quite saw that part,' she said finally, after she'd gotten under way on the third martini. 'He can't be what I want him to be, and I can't not want it.'
Susan nodded.
'If I could change,' Cecile said to Hawk, 'what would you want?'
Hawk shook his head.
'Nothing,' he said. 'I don't mind you want me to be things I'm not. You don't change, I don't change. Be fine, long as we don't fight about it.'
Cecile stared at him, then back to Susan. She nodded her head toward me.
'Would you change him?'
'Of course,' Susan said. 'If it were convenient. And I'm sure he would change me.'
She smiled at me.
'In fact, I guarantee you that right now he thinks I shouldn't be butting in here.'
'Good call,' I said.
'But you don't change each other,' Cecile said. 'And you do things the other doesn't like. And yet here you are.'
'That's probably why they call it love,' Susan said.
Cecile said nothing. We all joined her. She picked up her martini glass and drank some and looked at the rest of us for a moment and put the glass down. She looked like she might cry.
'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I don't mean to be rude. But I have to go.'
Nobody said anything. Cecile stood and patted my shoulder as she went by, and let her hand trail over Hawk's as she passed him, and then she was gone around the corner and down the stairs. Hawk didn't look after her. He took in a long breath and let it out slowly.
'We having fun yet?' he said.
58
I WAS HITTING the speed bag at the Harbor Health Club, and Hawk was hitting the body bag. Every few minutes, we would switch. Both of us were wet with sweat and breathing deeply when Vinnie Morris came in. He leaned against the wall, watching us with his arms folded until we took a break.
'I been talking with Gino Fish,' Vinnie said. 'You know I used to work with him.'
'I do,' I said.
'You remember that, don't you, Hawk? I was with Gino?'
'Un-huh.'
'Used to be with Broz, too, but we didn't get along. Got along with Gino okay.'
Hawk was wiping the sweat off his face with a towel.
