Interesting Times

He pointed his knife at the other guards. Mr Saveloy's mouth was wide open in horror.

'By rights I should be cleanin' this,' said Cohen. 'But I ain't goin' to bother if it's only goin' to get dirty again. Now, person'ly, I'd as soon kill you as look at you but Teach here says I've got to stop doin' that and become respectable.'

One of the guards looked sideways at his fellows and then fell on his knees.

'What is your wish, o master?' he said.

'Ah, officer material,' said Cohen. 'What's your name, lad?'

'Nine Orange Trees, master.'

Cohen looked at Mr Saveloy.

'What do I do now?'

'Take them prisoner, please.'

'How do I do that?'

'Well… I suppose you tie them up, that sort of thing.'

'Ah. And then cut their throats?'

'No! No. You see, once you've got them at your mercy, you're not allowed to kill them.'

The Silver Horde, to a man, stared at the ex-teacher.

'I'm afraid that's civilization for you,' he added.

'But you said the sods haven't got any bloody weapons!' said Truckle.

'Yes,' said Mr Saveloy, shuddering a little. 'That's why you're not allowed to kill them.'

'Are you mad? Got mad papers, have you?'

Cohen scratched his stubbly chin. The remainder of the guard watched him in trepidation. They were used to cruel and unusual punishment, but they were unaccustomed to argument first.

'You haven't had a lot of military experience, have you, Teach?' he said.

'Apart from Form Four? Not a lot. But I'm afraid this is the way it has to be done. I'm sorry. You did say you wanted me—'

'Well, I vote we just cuts their throats right now,' said Boy Willie. 'I can't be having with this prisoner business either. I mean, who's gonna feed them?'

'I'm afraid you have to.'

'Who me? Not likely! I vote we make them eat their own eyeballs. Hands up all in favour.'

There was a chorus of assent from the Horde and, among the raised hands, Cohen noticed one belonging to Nine Orange Trees.

'What you voting for, lad?' he said.

'Please, sir, I would like to go to the lavatory.'

'You listen to me, you lot,' said Cohen. 'This slaughtering and butchering business isn't how you do it these days, right? That's what Mr Saveloy says and he knows how to spell words like 'marmalad' which is more than you do. Now, we know why we're here, and we'd better start as we mean to go on.'

'Yeah, but you just killed that guard,' said Truckle.

'I'm breaking myself in,' said Cohen. 'You've got to creep up on civilization a bit at a time.'

'I still say we should cut their heads off. That's what I did to the Mad Demon-Sucking Priests of Ee!'

The kneeling guard had cautiously raised his hand again.

'Please, master?'

'Yes, lad?'

'You could lock us up in that cell over there. Then we wouldn't be any trouble to anyone.'

'Good thinking,' said Cohen. 'Good lad. The boy keeps his head in a crisis. Lock 'em up.'

Thirty seconds later the Horde had limped off, into the city.

The guards sat in the cramped, hot cell.

Eventually one said, 'What were they?'

'I think they might have been ancestors.'

'I thought you had to be dead to be an ancestor.'

'The one in the wheelchair looked dead. Right up to the point where he stabbed Four White Fox.'

'Should we shout for help?'

'They might hear us.'

'Yes, but if we don't get let out we'll be stuck in here. And the walls are very thick and the door is very strong.'

'Good.'

Rincewind stopped running in some alley somewhere. He hadn't bothered to see if they'd followed him. It was true — here, with one mighty bound, you could be free. Provided you realized it was one of your options.

Freedom did, of course, include man's age-old right to starve to death. It seemed a long time since his last proper meal.

The voice erupted further down the alley, as if on cue.

'Rice cakes! Rice cakes! Get chore nice rice cakes! Tea! Hundred-Year-Old Eggs! Eggs! Get them while they're nice and vintage! Get chore — Yeah, what is it?'

An elderly man had approached the salesman.

'Dibhala-san! This egg you sold me—'

'What about it, venerable squire?'

'Would you care to smell it?'

The street vendor took a sniff.

'Ah, yes, lovely,' he said.

'Lovely? Lovely? This egg,' said the customer, 'this egg is practically fresh!'

'Hundred years old if it's a day, shogun,' said the vendor happily. 'Look at the colour of that shell, nice and black—'

'It rubs off!'

Rincewind listened. There was, he thought, probably something in the idea that there were only a few people in the world. There were lots of bodies, but only a few people. That's why you kept running into the same ones. There was probably some mould somewhere.

'You saying my produce is fresh! May I disembowel myself honourably! Look, I'll tell you what I'll do—'

Yes, there seemed to be something familiar and magical about that trader. Someone had come to complain about a fresh egg, and yet within a couple of minutes he'd somehow been talked into forgetting this and purchasing two rice cakes and something strange wrapped in leaves.

The rice cakes looked nice. Well… nicer than the other things.

Rincewind sidled over. The trader was idly jigging from one foot to the other and whistling under his breath, but he stopped and gave Rincewind a big, honest, friendly grin.

'Nice ancient egg, shogun?'

The bowl in the middle of the tray was full of gold coins. Rincewind's heart sank. The price of one of Mr Dibhala's foul eggs would have bought a street in Ankh-Morpork.

'I suppose you don't give… credit?' he suggested.

Dibhala gave him a Look.

'I'll pretend I never heard that, shogun,' he said.

'Tell me,' said Rincewind. 'Do you know if you have any relatives overseas?'

This got him another look — a sideways one, full of sudden appraisal.

'What? There's nothing but evil blood-sucking ghosts beyond the seas. Everyone knows that, shogun. I'm surprised you don't.'

'Ghosts?' said Rincewind.

'Trying to get here, do us harm,' said Disembowel-Meself-Honourably. 'Maybe even steal our merchandise. Give 'em a dose of the old firecracker, that's what I say. They don't like a good loud bang, ghosts.'