‘Bollocks, Tony. I need you to do better than that. Why did you get up?’
‘It was my job. It was the only small thing I could do to help catch whoever did that. Make sure the evidence was there when it goes to court.’
He could feel her head shaking against his.
‘Okay, I buy part of that. But that doesn’t explain it all. You could have been killed. What was so important that you risked that?’
He hesitated, partly because he wasn’t sure what the answer was. Or maybe because he did.
‘Is that all I’m getting? Silence? An answer would be nice.’
‘I don’t know.’
Her voice softened.
‘I think you do know, Tony. Trust me.’
‘I… I just got up and did it. I didn’t feel like I had much choice. My legs were there before I knew it.’
‘Okay. But that’s still only half an answer. Why did you want to do it?’
He shrugged. She swore.
‘Fuck, Tony, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been more alive than when you’re photographing death. We both know that’s the truth. I used to accept that it was your thing but now, today, it’s freaking me out. When you risk your life to photograph someone else’s death then I can’t accept that. I’m just not sure I can deal with that at all. I’m not sure I can be part of that.’
He was glad he couldn’t see her face. He didn’t want to see the look on it. He knew ducking it again wasn’t going to work but he tried.
‘Look, Rach, I don’t know. Okay?’
‘Not okay. Let me keep it simple. You tell me why the fuck you did that or we’re done. I can’t handle it if I can’t understand it.’
‘You know I’m not good with ultimatums.’
‘Tony, I’m beginning to wonder what you are good with.’
‘Cheers.’
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean that. But I need to know. And I need to know now.’
He closed his eyes and screamed silently into her shoulder.
‘Tell me.’
He breathed hard.
‘Okay, I’ll tell you best as I understand it myself.’
‘Okay.’
‘When I see something like that, when I get to photograph something like… you’re right, it does make me feel alive. It’s like I’m seeing the other side… like I’m getting a glimpse into. .. into death. It’s as if there’s a chance to make sense of the whole thing, you know?’
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘Go on.’
‘Life doesn’t make much sense on its own so maybe… I don’t know. Maybe if you can understand death then you can get a handle on the rest of it. Maybe if you can get your head round it then it won’t seem so bad and there’d be nothing to be scared of. Maybe death’s what it’s all about.’
‘Christ, Tony. Why would you think that?’
‘Because death…’
He hesitated.
‘Death what?’ she demanded.
‘You want to hear this or not?’ he shouted at her. ‘It’s because of my mum and dad, alright? It’s because my parents were murdered. You fucking happy now?’
She gasped, trying to snap her head away and round so she could see him but he held her tight. He wasn’t ready to be seen. She fought it but he was too strong and she finally let her head rest on his shoulder again.
‘You told me that your parents died in a car crash.’
‘I lied.’
More silence. More thinking.
‘So what happened? Who killed them?’
He screwed his eyes shut, wishing the moment away.
‘They were killed. That’s all that matters. It might be hard for a cop to understand but sometimes the dead are more important than the killer.’
She thought about that for a moment and he felt her nodding.
‘I do understand that. But tell me what happened, Tony. Please? Who killed your mum and dad?’
He took a deep breath. ‘I did.’
He could feel her tense, frightened. Not of him but of what he might say. It wasn’t going to stop her asking though.
‘Tell me.’
Winter bit on his bottom lip, pinching the skin hard with his teeth, trying to make it bleed, trying to bring pain. He deserved pain, he craved it.
‘I killed my mother. They say it wasn’t my fault but I know differently.’ He released a small, bitter laugh. ‘Cars don’t kill people, people kill people.’
‘She died in a road accident?’ Rachel asked.
‘No, you’ve not been listening? She was killed in a road accident. By me.’
Rachel was desperately trying to keep the shock from her face.
‘Okay, Tony. It’s okay. Go on.’
His eyes were closed.
‘She was just twenty-three. Really pretty. My dad was a school teacher, history. She was going to train to be a teacher too. Till I got in the way.’
Rachel tried to interrupt but he didn’t let her.
‘We lived in Arlington Street. You know, just off Woodlands Road?’
She nodded.
‘I was five and was always dashing off to play in the street as soon as she turned her back. She was always on at me not to do it. Always. If she’d warned me once about running across that road when cars were coming then she’d done it a thousand times. I never listened though.
‘This particular day, she was washing dishes and I sneaked out of the house with a football and was booting it from one pavement to the other. Cars were always coming round the corner fast at the Arlington Bar but I always thought I had time to get out the way. This time though…’ He choked back the memory. ‘This time I was too busy watching the ball and by the time I heard the engine, this car was nearly on top of me. The driver hadn’t seen me till he was just a few feet away. All I could see was the front of the car, it filled the world.
‘The next thing I was flying through the air away from it. I didn’t know what had happened but I heard the crunch, this terrible, terrible noise… Then she landed on top of me.’
‘Your mother?’
‘Yes. She’d seen me playing outside and had come out to call me back in. When she saw the car about to hit me, she threw herself into its path and pushed me out of the way. She was hit full on the head. I was lying there, her blood dripping onto my face. She died on top of me. I could see the guy get out of the car with his mouth hanging open and neighbours running out, screaming their heads off but I couldn’t hear a thing. All I could feel was her blood hot on my face.’
‘You were in shock,’ Rachel soothed. ‘Tony…’
‘The neighbours eased her off me to see if I was alright. Of course I was. Barely a scratch. I had nothing more than a grazed knee. She… she…’
‘Tony, that wasn’t your-’
‘Oh it was. It was my fault. She’d told me a thousand times but I still did it. If I’d just done what she’d said then she’d have been alive. She didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve her.’
A single tear was running down his cheek.
Rachel hugged him fiercely.
‘What about your dad?’ she asked eventually, almost fearful of the answer.
