The Gin and Chowder Club

After Asa left, Noelle sat on the stone steps with tears streaming down her cheeks. What have I done? She sat in the warm sun and shook uncontrollably. Is it possible to love two people? Is it love that I feel for Asa, or does he fill some lost longing? It happened so quickly. It felt so right. Now that he’s gone, though, it just feels wrong-so very, very wrong. Over and over, the words echoed in her mind. Oh, God, what have I done? How will I face Nate? How will I make love with him? Surely he will know. Through a blur of tears and remorse, Noelle stared at the empty bird feeder and tried to justify her actions. A cardinal came to the feeder but, finding it empty, flew away. Slowly, Noelle tried to pull herself together. Nate must never know. Asa said that my secrets were safe with him, but that hadn’t included this. God, he is just a boy-a boy with his whole future ahead of him. What right have I to do this to him? She remembered the look in his eyes, the sweet longing. I do love him, but this must never happen again. I will explain it to him, he will have to understand.

Resolutely, Noelle stood and dried her eyes. She took the bird feeder down and filled it. She went into the house, made coffee, and went upstairs. She reached into the linen closet for a towel and glanced over at the white sheets strewn about the bed. Tears burned her eyes again, but she squeezed them back and got undressed. Seeing her reflection in the mirror, she hesitated. This is what he saw. She ran her fingers across her breasts. This is what he touched. She ran her fingers down… God, I still want him.

33

Asa let the water wash the soap away. The thought had crossed his mind to never shower again, but he knew that was impossible. He closed his eyes and pictured Noelle lying beside him. He remembered the way it looked to push himself deep inside her, and he ached to have her again. He thought about what it would be like to shower together. Maybe next time. Then he realized he didn’t even know when next time would be. He slipped his hand down and tried to remember every detail of the night before as he leaned back, the water beating over him. God, I want her so much…

34

When Nate came home that afternoon, Noelle was on her hands and knees, washing the kitchen floor. She glanced up quickly and forced a smile.

“Don’t come in here. The floor’s wet.”

“I see that,” he said, leaning against the doorjamb. “When you’re done, though, you’re going to have to wash the sheets again.”

Noelle’s heart stopped. “Why’s that?” she asked without looking up.

“Because you must have filled the bird feeder before you hung them out to dry,” he said, laughing. “Now the birds have left you their calling card.”

Noelle’s heart started to beat again. “They didn’t!” She tried to sound annoyed. She had decided that the less she said, the better-at least until she felt reassured that Nate didn’t know something had happened. Deny it, she told herself. Stare it down. The shadows of guilt will make you crazy if you’re not strong. Always deny. This sickening nausea will pass-it must pass. Think of other things. She wrung out the rag and backed farther across the floor. She knew that she must act normally, but she didn’t know what normal was anymore, so she would just keep busy.

“We’re having steak if you want to start the charcoal,” she said without looking up.

“Sounds good. Hey, did Asa finish the window?”

“Yes,” she said, his name ringing through her. “It’s not painted, though.”

“Well, now that I’m off, I can finish painting it. He has done enough.”

Noelle didn’t answer.

35

After his shower, Asa packed his cooler, told Sarah he would definitely be home for supper, kissed Martha on the head, and headed for the coast guard station. It was his last day of work. He couldn’t believe how quickly the summer had flown by. At the beginning of their summer break, he and Isaac had agreed to take the last full week of August off to relax and just go to the beach. Now Asa regretted it; every remaining day was fleeting and too precious to spend with his brother.

All day, he thought of nothing else. He needed to talk to Noelle, to be alone with her, to arrange to meet somewhere-anywhere. Working under the hot sun, he began to think that maybe he had only dreamed the events of the night before. He needed reassurance, he needed to know she was okay, to hear her say that nothing had changed. His mind began to race with an endless stream of tragic scenarios. He pictured Noelle confessing to Nate and promising to never see him again; he pictured her eyes full of pain and anger, telling him it was all a mistake, telling him to never come back. Tears burned at Asa’s eyes, and he brushed them away. Why was he doing this to himself? None of that had happened. He shook his head and tried to think of something else.

Isaac and Samuel returned from Boston early in the afternoon, and by the time Asa got home, Isaac had made plans for the weekend. Asa tried to excuse himself, but Isaac would have none of it. Finally, Asa decided that maybe it would be good to get his mind off things.

Isaac had rounded up the usual crowd. The itinerary for that night included a game they had made up two summers earlier. It was called Shot Mini-golf, and the rules were simple: Any golfer in the party who did not make par on any given hole had to drink a shot-discreetly, of course. If a player chose to take a mulligan, they also had to drink a shot. Mulligans were popular with everyone, and usually by the eighteenth hole, no one ever made par. Finally, if someone managed to get a hole in one on the last hole, a new bottle was produced and they played again. In the history of the game, Isaac had managed two hole in ones on the eighteenth hole, and when they woke the following morning, no one forgave him. Asa survived this Friday night without drinking any extra shots. And he had a good time, even though Isaac called him a wet blanket. Asa didn’t care because, by the end of the workday, he remembered that he still needed to finish painting the window and had devised a plan to pick up a small can of paint and stop by the house. This plan gave him renewed hope, and he didn’t want to be hungover.

36

Noelle didn’t sleep well. She lay quietly next to Nate as hot tears trickled down the sides of her face and dripped onto the curve of her ears. She wiped them away, eased to her side, and tried not to wake him, fearing that he would reach for her, and she just couldn’t bear it-not yet. Finally, she pulled a robe around her, went downstairs, and sat in the darkness on the porch. She thought of Asa and wondered how he was managing. And she wondered again why she had let it happen. Finally, she dozed off and didn’t wake until the first rays peeked over the dunes. She made coffee and showered. When she came back down, Nate was scrambling eggs.

“We need eggs,” he said. “I used the last four.”

“Okay,” she answered. “I’ll add them to my list.”