“Damn right they do. You know anything at all about LDS, you know how important family is to them. They don’t want to lose the boy-personally or spiritually.”
“He has some way to support himself?”
“An Internet mail-order business he created. All Your Spiritual Needs-everything from menorahs to Islam prayer rugs. Netted a quarter million last year.”
“Has different ideas, obviously.”
“He’s not a believer. Even in capitalism, as far as I can tell. It’s all about pragmatism, I think. He wanted a way out, independence, and that looked good for it. Much of the profit from the company goes back to the very family he’s trying to escape.”
“Interesting contradiction.’’
“Is it? Contradictions imply we’ve embraced some overarching generality. They’re the ash left over once those generalities burn down. Particular, individual lives are another thing entirely.”
She was right, of course.
“He have much chance of getting the emancipation?”
Val shrugged. “I don’t seem to have much idea how anything’s going to go these days. This dinner, for instance.”
“The one you’re not cooking.”
“Right.”
Later, having smeared ears of corn with butter, salt and pepper and chins unintentionally with same, having stoked away, as well, quantities of iceberg lettuce, radish, fresh tomato and red onion dribbled upon by vinegar and olive oil, we sat on Val’s porch in darkness relieved only by the wickerwork of light falling through trees from a high, pale moon.
“Back when you were on the streets, you thought you were doing good, right?”
“Sure I did.”
“And as a therapist?’’
I nodded.
“Still believe that?”
“Yes.”
“But you stopped.”
“I did. But not because of some existential crisis.”
Sitting in the pecan tree, an owl lifted head off shoulders to rotate it a hundred and eighty degrees. Country musician Gid Tanner, with whom Riley Puckett played, was supposed to have been able to do that.
“When I was sixteen, my dad took me to buy my first car. We found a ’48 Buick we both liked. Some awful purplish color, as I remember, and they’d put in plastic seats like something from a diner. Car itself was in pretty good shape. But the fenders were banged all to hell, you could see where they’d been hammered back out from underneath, more than once. I was looking for something bright and shiny, naturally, and those fenders bothered me. My father’d been a bit more thoroughgoing, actually checked out the engine and frame. ’It’s a good car, J. C.,’ he said. ’Just old-like me. Fenders are the first to go.’
“Later that’s how I came to see people. The parts that are out there, between you and the world as you move into it, those parts sustain the most damage. Fenders wear out. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, intrinsically, with the car. The engine may still be perfectly good-even the body.”
“Tell me we’re not out of wine.”
I handed my glass across. Good half-inch left in there.
“We are, aren’t we?” She finished it off, set the glass beside her own. “All day long I sat there looking at Aaron. Fans thwacking overhead. Was I helping him-or only further complicating a life that was complicated enough already?”
“You still want to fix things.”
“Yes,’’ she said. “I guess I do.”
“You can’t.”
“I guess I know that, too.”
“Ever tell you I was once half a step away from being an English professor?”
“One of your earlier nine lives, I take it.”
“Exactly. I loved Chaucer, Old English, Elizabethan drama. Read them the way other people watch soap operas and sitcoms, or eat popcorn. Christopher Fry was a favorite.
“I expect they would tell us the soul can be as lost, For loving-kindness as anything else. Well, well, we must scramble for grace as best we can.”
“That’s what we’re doing? Scrambling for grace?”
“For footholds, anyway. Definitely scrambling.”
“And what does grace look like?”
“Hell if I know.”
Chapter Thirty-two
But I suspected it looked much like my face the morning I decided on exemption.
A sleepless night had filled with the gas of random, skittering thoughts and old memories. Around two A.M. I’d watched The Incredible Shrinking Man on TV. Went back to bed afterwards, tossed and turned to the accompaniment of Sibelius’s First Symphony on the radio and the giant spider that chased me across roof- and tabletops and through a maze of high-school lockers, was up again at five with a cup of cooling, neglected coffee cradled like a Jacob’s ladder in my hands, watching long-haul trucks take on cargo across the street. Soon they’d strike out for the new world.
Brian’s last message (Wonderful evening, thank you) shimmered in my mind. Jimmie the Machine had been found lying on a bench in the park, eyes staring upward into bright sun, pigeons pecking at bare toes. No discernible cause of death revealed by autopsy. That very day a new patient told me how he’d killed a teacher he disliked. What I saw before me was a defeated fifty-year-old man with tonsure, strands of hair clinging limpetlike to his skull, tattoos like a carpet pattern long since faded. What I heard was a teenager who’d never got over being shut out.
Complex creatures fueled by knowledge, understanding and passion-that’s how we like to see ourselves. Meanwhile, psychiatry insists we’re little more than machines of a sort, broken toys to be mended. Some simple spring or swivel in the mind fails to work right, we jam, give up, misfire. Ask any child advocate. Nine times out of ten, the kid’s been abused. Nothing recondite about it. Most of the rest is just smoke and mirrors.
Speaking of mirrors, that morning, looking into one, I saw something I’d not seen before. It didn’t last, but for the moment it was there, I recognized it for what it was. Grace, of a sort. Wherever it was I had been heading all these years, I’d arrived. I had simply to off-load cargo now.
The divestment took most of a month. Clients, I passed along selectively to students from my seminars at Memphis State. These were working therapists, many with far more professional experience, if not more personal, than myself. Licensure requires continuing education credits. Bulwarked by such courses as Statistics for Health Care Providers and Personifications of the Other in Interpersonal Relationships, my own had long proved a popular choice.
Practical affairs-the apartment lease, notification of clients and service providers, packing-presented little difficulty. I possessed, still, the inmate’s habit of simplicity; had few ties and little of a material sort that couldn’t be tucked under wing and taken along or freely abandoned.
That left Susan.
I had had my mind set against any relationship. Bad for me, worse for whoever sat at the other end of the teeter-totter, probably wouldn’t do much good for the world at large. Likely to bring on biblical floods, eras of ice, swarms of locusts, for all I knew. Yet there I was, in a relationship, albeit a halting, tentative one. Coming off a horrendous fifteen-year marriage she’d barely survived psychologically, not to mention physically, Susan trod the eggshell court as lightly as did I.
