'No direct relatives?'
'His father threw him out of the house when he was fourteen. The old man was an engineer,' Kevin always said. ' He knew how things were supposed to work.' For a year or two he stayed around town. His mother would meet him, give him money.
When she died, Kevin left for good.'
'What about the rest of you?'
'Have family, you mean.'
'Yes.'
'Some of us do, some don't. For us, family is-'
Leaning over the makeshift table, the young woman I assumed to be deaf and dumb moved her hands in dismissive, sweep-it-away gestures.
'Moira's right,' Stillman said.
'You always think she is,' one of the others said.
He ignored that. 'This isn't the time to be talking about such. Besides, night's closing in. I imagine you'll be wanting to get back.'
'We should, yes.' 'You and your friends are always welcome here.. .. Can you see to Kevin's burial, or should we?'
'We can do that.'
'We'd expect to pay for it, of course.'
'The county-'
'It's our responsibility. We do have money.'
We both looked about the camp, then realized what we were doing, looked at one another, and smiled.
'Really,' he said. 'It's not a problem-despite appearances. So we'll be expecting an invoice. Meanwhile, you have our gratitude.'
Moira raised a hand in farewell. Nathan, J. T., and I stepped out to the accompaniment of a half moon and the calls of whippoorwills, down hills and across them, right and left legs lengthening alternately like those of cartoon figures to meet the challenge, or so it seemed, returning to a world gone strange in our absence.
CHAPTER TWENTY
'I know almost nothing about you.'
Her eyes went from my eyes to my mouth and back, ever steady.
'Why should you?'
Outside, rain slammed down, turning lawns and walkways to patches of mud. A mockingbird crouched in the window, soaked feathers drawn tightly about.
'I come here every week for-what? a year now?-and we talk. Most of my relationships haven't lasted near that long.'
I let that go by.
'I know almost nothing about you. And you know so much about me.'
'Only what you've agreed to have me know, or what you've told me yourself.'
'Here's something you don't know. When I was a child, ten or so. ..' For a moment she drifted away. 'I had this friend, Gerry.
And I had this T-shirt I'd sent away for, off some cereal box or out of a comic book. Nothing special, now that I think about it, just this thin, cheap shirt, blue, with 'Wonder Girl' stenciled on it in yellow letters. But I loved that T-shirt. I'd waited by the mailbox every day till it came. My mother had to take it out of my room at night while I was sleeping, just to wash it… It was summer, and all day there'd been a rain, like this one. Then late afternoon it slowed, still coming down, but more a shower now. Gerry starts running down the drive and sliding into this huge mud puddle at its end. This is back in Georgia, we didn't have paving, just a dirt drive cut in from the street. At first I didn't want to, but I tried it, then… just gave myself to the simple joy of it. Gerry and I went on sliding and diving for most of the rest of the afternoon. My shirt was ruined, of course. Mother tried everything to get it clean. The last I saw of it, it was in with the rags.'
She looked back from the window.
'Poor thing.'
'The bird?'
She nodded. Muffled conversation came from the hall, indecipherable, rhythmic. It sounded much like the rain outside.
'You must have to turn in some sort of reports,' she said.
'I do.'
'In which case, it has to be coming up on time for one.'
After a moment I said, 'They're not going to give your license back, Miss Blake.'
She looked at the watch, which from old habit she still wore pinned to her shirt pocket. 'I know. I do know that… And I've asked you to call me Cheryl.' She smiled. 'Recently I've taken up reading again. Do you know the science fiction writer Philip K. Dick?'
'A little.'
'Late in life, while visiting in Canada, he underwent some kind of crisis, something like Poes last days, maybe. He came to in a fleabag hotel and had himself committed to a detox center.
Another patient there told a story that promptly became Dick's favorite slogan. This junkie goes to see his old friend Leon, and once he gets to his friend's house he asks the people there if he can see Leon. 'I'm very sorry to have to tell you this,' one of them says, 'but Leon is dead.' 'No problem,' the junkie responds, Til just come back on Thursday.''
She stood.
'See you on Thursday.'
Long after she was gone-my next client had canceled-I sat quietly. Eventually the rain lightened and, with a vigorous shake of feathers, the mockingbird launched itself from the window.
As an RN on a cancer ward, Cheryl Blake, who now worked as a cosmetics salesperson, had drawn up morphine and injected it through the IV ports of at least three patients. At trial, asked if the patients had told her they wished to die, her response was: 'They didn't need to. I knew.' She served six years. Two days before Christmas last year, the state had paroled her. I saw her first on New Year's Eve.
Memory opens on small hinges. A prized T-shirt long ago lost. The pale green chenille bedspread, its knots worn to nubbins, I'd had as a child and sat night after night in my cell remembering. I'd gone in, in fact, on New Year's Eve.
In prison, trees are always far away. From the yard you could look across to a line of them like a mirage on the horizon, so distant and unreal that they might as well have been on another planet. They were bare then, of course, just gray smudges of trunk and limb against the lighter gray of sky. When springtime came, their green was a wound.
In a corner of the yard that spring, Danny Lillo planted seeds from an apple his daughter brought him. Each day he'd dip the ladle into the tank that provided our drinking water on the yard, fill his mouth, and take it over to that corner. Week after week we watched. Saw that first long oval of a leaf ease from the ground, watched as the third set of leaves developed pointy tips. Then we went out one afternoon and someone had pulled it up. Maybe four inches long, it lay there on its side, trailing roots. Danny stood looking down a long time. All of us who had given up so much already, the one who put it in the ground, those who simply watched and waited, the one who pulled it up-all of us had lost something we couldn't even define, all of us felt something that, like so much else in that gray place, had no name.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
