It is not easy to detect the symptoms for postpartum depression, as Lord Poton is highly skillful in reinventing himself. But the following are good signs: lack of energy, excessive sensitivity and irritability, feeling guilty or inadequate, inability to focus, forgetfulness, a fear of hurting yourself or the baby, irregular sleep patterns, lack of appetite, lack of sexual drive, antisocial behavior (closeting yourself in the house, avoiding people and even close friends), lack of interest in physical appearance, an ongoing indifference toward the rest of the world…
The truth is, as women of flesh and bones, as the granddaughters of Eve, we all experience ups and downs every now and then, particularly at a time as challenging and stressful as the arrival of a new baby. So, more than the symptoms per se, it is how strongly and persistently we suffer from them that matters.
Dissatisfied with the information I gathered, I decided to prepare my own pop quiz for new mothers.
Lord Poton and You
HOW LIKELY WILL YOU TWO MEET?
How did you feel after you checked out of the hospital and came back home?
a. Like a baby bounced out of his bath. I wish we had stayed a bit longer at the hospital. The nurses were cool and comforting, and were constantly checking on us. When we came home I realized I didn’t even know how to hold the baby properly.
b. I felt like a fish out of water, but figured that was normal. Isn’t it?
c. I felt terrific, ready for a new beginning! Good thing I had made the baby’s room ready. Pink and lavender with unicorn murals. I painted every unicorn myself.
What is your clearest memory of the day of delivery?
a. The pain! And the stress I felt as we entered the operating room. How can I wipe off my mind the sight of masked doctors and nurses?
b. Oh, the moment I held the baby in my arms. It was an incredible feeling. I cried and cried. I still cry when I think about it.
c. The flowers and chocolates sent by our friends and relatives! They were fabulous and those teddy bears were so cute!
Think about how you’ve been eating lately.
a. I feed the baby but I neglect myself. I don’t have much of an appetite anyway.
b. I have been eating regularly, though now that I think about it, I’m not sure how regularly.
c. My appetite is so huge I can eat three breakfasts a day. Don’t blame me! Blame Rosita, our cook. Oh, those
Think about how you’ve been sleeping lately.
a. What sleep! Listening to make sure the baby is breathing properly, I stay awake all night, every night.
b. I sleep fine, I guess. Well, some nights I sleep better than others.
c. I’m like Sleeping Beauty. When the baby cries my husband gets up to check. Isn’t he adorable?
Do you see any differences in yourself since the birth?
a. Better to ask me, “What has stayed the same?” My life has changed, I have changed, everything has changed.
b. I am not my usual self but I’m not sure in what way exactly.
c. Well, I’m fatter than I was before the pregnancy, if that’s what you are trying to get at. But I’m much thinner than I was during the pregnancy! So there you go!
A romantic movie that you’ve watched before is showing on TV. When it gets to a heartbreaking scene, how do you feel?
a. Heartbroken, of course. I cry at pretty much everything these days.
b. Since I’ve seen the movie before it won’t affect me that much, I guess. But you never know.
c. Why on earth would I sit and watch a movie I’ve seen before when there are plenty of new movies out there?
After giving birth how did you feel toward your husband?
a. I had to go through all the pain, and the guy became a dad, just like that. And then he goes and buys her overalls that have “Daddy’s Girl!” written all over. I’m the one who changes diapers, but the baby still gets to be “Daddy’s girl.” I should have been born a man!
b. I think I feel some distance toward him, but I don’t know why.
c. He took me out the other night. We were like high school sweethearts. We even popped a bottle of champagne.
When your doctor comes to mind, how do you feel?
a. Resentment! I’m mad at him. He could have done an epidural.
b. I wonder what it feels like to bring so many babies into the world and see so many women going through the miracle of birth. Must be nice, right?… Right?
c. My doctor is the sweetest guy. So the other day I asked him, “Will I be able to wear a bikini this summer?” He said, “Oh, sure, and you will make a few heads turn!” Isn’t he charming?
Do you feel energetic during the day?
a. I don’t feel like doing much. What’s the point anyway?
b. Sometimes my knees feel like rubber. They turn into jelly for a moment and then the feeling passes.
c. Oh, and how! I exercise like crazy. I even hired a fitness trainer. He is Italian!
Who did you argue with last?
a. Oh, just about everyone: my mother, who so favors my husband; my neighbor, who was being testy at a ridiculously early hour; my sisters, who have taken to asking stupid questions over the phone; my mother-in-law, who is trying to control my life; and my husband, who is always on her side.
b. I don’t argue with people. I’m always accommodating. Always.
c. I don’t fight, honey. I make love.
When was the last time you got together with your close friends?
a. Two months ago? Maybe more? I am not in the mood to socialize these days.
b. Friends and family come to visit, bless them. I have no control over who is coming, who is going.
c. The other day the girls threw me a baby shower; we had so much fun. I had to go off my diet, of course. How could I resist those cupcakes?
How at peace are you with your body and sexuality?
a. My husband and I sleep in different rooms. I won’t be the least bit surprised if we soon start living in separate houses or even on separate continents.
b. We still sleep in the same bed, but I’d rather sleep with the baby. I don’t say that though. I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.
c. Oh, you mean hanky-panky? Oh, yeah, like bunny rabbits.
What do you think about this test?
a. A waste of time.
b. I don’t know, I didn’t fully concentrate on it.
c. It was fun. Not a problem!
The Evaluation Key
If your answers were overwhelmingly A: You’ve not only met Lord Poton but you may already consider him your best friend. Call your doctor immediately and get help.
If your answers were overwhelmingly B: Your self-esteem is not at its highest and you show signs of passive-aggressive behavior. Be on guard. Lord Poton may knock on your door at any moment.
If your answers were overwhelmingly C: You don’t have to ever worry. Depression to you is like Earth compared to Jupiter. In all likelihood, you will never cross paths with Lord Poton.
