296
“Good to meet you, Stuart!” he said. “My name’s Terry. You got a problem with that?”
Stuart blinked. “No,” he said hesitantly. “Of course not.”
“You see,” said Terry, “some people think that the name Terry is a bit effeminate. Know what I mean by that?” Terry fixed him with a stare. “You don’t find me short, do you, Stuart?”
“Not at all,” said Stuart.
“And would it matter if you did?” asked Terry aggressively.
“What exactly is wrong with being on the short side?”
“I didn’t say anything was wrong with it,” said Stuart. “You raised it, not me. And, anyway, I don’t think your name is effeminate, Shorty . . . I mean, Terry. And your height is neither here nor there as far as I am concerned.”
Terry continued to glare at him. “All right, let’s sit down. I’m going to take this chair, right? This one here. That’s my chair.”
“That’s fine,” said Stuart.
“But what if you really wanted to sit in that chair?” asked Terry. “What if you wanted my chair?”
“I don’t think that I would make a fuss about it,” said Stuart.
“It’s exactly the same as this chair over here. All the Scottish Executive chairs are the same, actually.”
“And that worries you?” asked Terry. “Have you got a problem with the Scottish Executive, Stuart?”
Stuart took a deep breath. Terry was extremely irritating, and they had had only five minutes of the two-hour session. He wondered whether he would be able to survive the full time; would it be entered in his file if he failed to complete the course?
Would the conclusion be drawn that he lacked the requisite degree of assertiveness needed by a competent modern civil servant?
“No,” he said in reply to Terry’s question. “I have no problems with the Scottish Executive. The only problem I have at present is a slight irritation with you.”
Terry clapped his hands together. “That’s the spirit, Stuart!
Well done! That’s exactly what I wanted you to say. I wanted you to assert yourself.”
“Well, there you are,” said Stuart, relaxing visibly. “And I suppose, if I were to be completely frank . . .”
“Always be frank,” said Terry. “Tell it how it is, Stuart. Don’t conceal. Get it out.”
“Well,” Stuart continued, “I suppose that I do have a bit of a problem with my wife. She herself is rather on the assertive side.”
“Assertive!” exclaimed Terry. “I bet she’s assertive! She’s emasculating you, Stuart. I’ve never met her but I can tell what’s happening. I see it all the time. Virtually every man I meet in this job has been emasculated by some woman. It’s endemic these days, absolutely endemic.”
Stuart was surprised by the force with which the counsellor issued this judgment. By his own admission he did not know anything about Irene, and so how could he possibly judge her in such extreme terms? On the other hand . . .
“Is it that bad?” he asked mildly.
“You bet it’s that bad,” said Terry. “And it’s time for men to fight back. Men are going to have to fight back, to reclaim their 298
space before it’s too late and they become the new victims, just as women used to be the victims of men. We have to fight back.”
“So what should I do?” asked Stuart.
“Tell her what you plan to do,” said Terry. “And if she objects, just ignore her. Leave the house. Women don’t like that. They don’t like it if you leave the house.”
“Is that what you do?” asked Stuart.
Terry thought for a moment. “It’s what I would do,” he said.
“If I had to, that is. You see, I’m not heavily into relationships.
I live by myself. I’m a relationship-free man. It’s the new thing.”
“I see,” said Stuart.
They talked for some time after that. There were exercises in self-assertiveness which Stuart was required to do – including assertive telephone techniques – and there was a lengthy discussion about assertive report-writing. And then, at the end, Terry placed an arm over Stuart’s shoulder and wished him good luck.
“Do you feel better?” he asked.
Stuart thought for a moment. No, he did not feel better. He felt, if anything, more afraid. It seemed to him that the odds had suddenly been seriously raised. It was not just Bertie’s future that was at stake – it was his own.
Stuart finished his self-assertiveness workshop at four in the afternoon. He decided to leave the office
