“What do you do for a living, Mr O’Connor?” Bertie asked politely as he dealt a fresh hand of cards.
“I’m a businessman,” said Lard. “I have a business. But it’s pretty difficult for us small businessmen under this government, you know. So I vote for the Liberal Democrats. That’s what I do. That Ming Campbell. He’s the man. And David Steel, too.”
“I’m sure they’re very glad of your support,” said Stuart dryly.
“Aye, I’m sure they are,” agreed Lard.
The game of cards continued for a further half hour, and then Gerry returned. He stood at the door, smiling broadly. “Mission accomplished, Lard,” he said.
Lard looked round and stared at his assistant. “You found the car?”
Gerry nodded. “I did. It had been removed withoot authority, as we say. Some boys had been using it for their own purposes.
So I spoke to them aboot it and explained this is not the way tae treat an Edinburgh car.”
Lard smiled. “And they agreed with you, Gerry?”
“They took a bit of persuading, boss,” said Gerry. “You know how ill-mannered some of these boys can be. Nae manners.”
Lard sighed. “Yes,” he said. “You’re right there, so you are.
But the important thing is that you’ve got your car back, Stewie.
How about that then?”
Stuart reached forward and shook Lard’s hand enthusiastically. “You’ve been very kind, Mr O’Connor,” he said. “I really am very indebted to you.”
Lard shrugged off the thanks. “It was nothing,” he said. “I’m only sorry that youses were inconvenienced. It gives people the wrong impression of Glasgow when they come over here and their car is taken aff them. Very unfriendly.”
“Well,” said Stuart, looking at his watch. “No harm done.
Now that we have our car back we can get back to Edinburgh.
You’ve been very kind to us, Mr O’Connor.”
Lard made an expansive gesture with his right hand. “No bother. No bother at all.” He paused. “But it would be a pity if you were to rush off so quickly. Young Bertie here has hardly had the chance to see Glasgow, have you, Bertie? There’s plenty of time to get back to Edinburgh later on, especially as you now have your car back. A leisurely drive at your own convenience.”
Stuart began to explain that they really should get back as Bertie had a saxophone lesson, but was cut short by Lard.
“What do you think, Bertie?” asked Lard. “What would you like to see while you’re over here?”
Bertie was ready with an answer. He had decided that he liked Glasgow and that there was a great deal that he wished to see.
He would like to go to a fish and chip shop and get a . . . No, he could never do that. His mother would be sure to hear about it and there would be a terrible row. And so he said: “The Burrell Gallery, Mr O’Connor.” And then he added: “If that’s convenient to you.”
Lard frowned and looked at Gerry. “You know where that is, Gerry? The Burrell? You heard of it?”
Gerry shook his head. “I’ve got a map, boss. I can get you there.”
“In that case we should be on our way,” said Lard. “We can go in my motor, and then you can pick yours up when we finish and you can drive back to Edinburgh. How about that, Stewie?”
Stuart realised that he had little option but to agree. But a visit to the Burrell was a good idea, anyway, as it would enable him to say to Irene that they had spent their time in Glasgow well. He could clearly not tell her that he and Bertie had played cards, for money, with a Glasgow gangster, but he could tell her 180
They set off in Lard O’Connor’s green Mercedes-Benz. Gerry drove, with Stuart beside him in the front passenger seat, while Bertie sat in the back with Lard.
“It’s a very nice car, Mr O’Connor,” said Bertie, running his hands over the soft leather of the seats.
“It is that,” said Lard. “You work hard, Bertie, just like me, and one day you’ll be able to get yourself one of these.”
“But what does your business actually do, Mr O’Connor?”
asked Bertie.
“Distribution,” said Lard. “We circulate things We make sure that things don’t just stay in one place forever. We encourage changes of ownership.”
“What things?” asked Bertie.
“Bertie,” interrupted Stuart from the front seat. “Don’t keep asking Mr O’Connor questions. He’s very busy thinking. Leave him be.”
They travelled on in silence. Then Bertie said: “Mr O’Connor, have you heard of Rangers Football Club?”
Lard O’Connor smiled. “I’ve heard of them. Aye, I’ve heard of them.”
