The World According to Bertie

father, but was he really responsible for them? He knew all about the Dangerous Dogs Act (after Cyril’s unfortunate brush with the law), Angus Opens His Front Door to . . . Trouble 311

but were the laws of paternity and aliment of puppies the same as those that applied to humans? Surely not.

The woman broke the silence. “And so what I’m proposing to do is to pass the puppies on to you the moment they are ready to leave their mother. That will be . . .” She consulted a small red diary which she had taken out of her handbag, and gave a date. “I take it that that will be convenient.”

Angus stared at her in astonishment. “No,” he said. “We can’t have six puppies here. This is . . . this is my studio as well as my flat. I simply can’t have six puppies.”

“You should have thought of that before you allowed your dog to . . . to approach my dog,” said the woman. “You should have thought of the consequences of your dog’s actions.”

Angus felt a wave of annoyance come over him. He had been polite to this woman, but she had been hectoring and imperious. Had she spoken to him courteously and sought his assistance, he might have made some proposals about sharing the care of the puppies until they were found a new home, but she had not done that, and now he felt like digging in.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “From my point of view, you took the risk when you took a bitch in heat out into the gardens. You should have known better. You cannot blame my dog for behaving as he did. In fact, you should count yourself lucky that the puppies will have good blood. Cyril, I would have you know, is a pedigree dog, while yours, if I may say so, is undoubtedly a mongrel of some sort. Cyril lowered himself when he consorted with her . . .”

“How dare you!” hissed the woman. “You . . . you impossible man!” She paused, as if to summon up further insults, but there were none; instead: “The puppies will be brought on the appointed day. I shall leave them at the bottom of the stairs, in a box, if you are not in. And that is all there is to it.”

She turned round and began to walk down the stairs. Angus watched her for a moment. He wanted to call out, to shout out some final, resounding comment that would stop her in her tracks, but he did not. He was incapable of being rude, just as 312 A New Version of the Fateful Olive Incident his father before him, and his grandfather, had been incapable of rudeness, particularly towards a woman. So he closed the door behind him and went back into the flat.

Cyril watched him. He knew, in some extraordinary, non-conceptual way, that the events at the door concerned him. But what had he done wrong? He could think of nothing. All he had ever done was to be a dog, which deserved no blame – and perhaps no praise either. But the ways of the gods were arbitrary, as in Greece of old, and the manner in which Angus was looking at him now made Cyril realise that this was serious –

extremely so.

92. A New Version of the Fateful Olive Incident When it was announced to the class that Miss Harmony was to be replaced, there was a sudden, shocked silence. For a few minutes, the children were left alone, waiting for the arrival of the new teacher, and it was in this period that recriminations were fervently aired.

“Somebody told on her,” said Tofu. “Somebody’s mummy went and complained because she had heard about Miss Harmony’s act of self-defence.”

People reacted in different ways to this. For his part, Bertie froze. He had an inkling of the fact that it was his mother who was responsible for the downfall of Miss Harmony, but he had no intention of revealing this.

“Not my mother,” he said, in a small voice.

Everybody looked at him, and he blushed. He was a truthful boy and he would not normally tell a lie, but, in this case, he felt he could say what he said because he had no actual proof that Irene had been the cause of Miss Harmony’s departure.

Moreover, on a strict construction, all he had said was “Not my mother,” which was a sentence capable of many interpretations. “Not my mother” could mean: May misfortune strike A New Version of the Fateful Olive Incident 313

others, but not my mother (the first phrase being understood).

Or it could be a general denial of maternity; there were many senses in which the statement could be read. So it was not really a lie.

“Nobody said it was her,” said Larch suspiciously. “Although

. . .” He left the rest of the sentence unfinished, and Bertie quaked.

“Bertie only said that because he knows that everybody hates his mother,” said Tofu kindly. “Isn’t that so, Bertie?”

Bertie swallowed. “Well . . .” He trailed off. They knew what his mother was like – there was no point in trying to hide it, but did they actually hate her?

Tofu’s pronouncement evoked a very different reaction in Olive. “Self-defence?” she said, glowering at Tofu. “What do you mean by self-defence, Tofu?”

“I meant what I said,” retorted Tofu hotly. “Miss Harmony only pinched your ear because you were threatening her. I saw you. I saw you try to scratch her. And I’m going to tell everybody. I’m going to tell the other teachers.”

Olive’s eyes opened wide in outrage. “Scratch her? I never did. You’re a liar, Tofu! Everybody knows what lies you tell.

Nobody will believe a liar like you.”

“I will,” said Larch. “I’ll tell them that Tofu’s telling the truth. I’ll tell them that you had your hands round Miss Harmony’s neck and that she had to pinch you to bring you to your senses.”

“Precisely,” said Tofu. “And Bertie will say the same thing.

And Lakshmi. And everybody, in fact, because everybody knows how horrid you are, and they’ll blame you when Miss Harmony commits suicide. In fact, she’s probably done that already. That’s what people do when they’re falsely accused of things.”