“Clare?” For a selfish second, he thought please, please, not another distressed woman. I can’t handle any more today. “Are you okay?” The back of her head jerked up and down. He saw the bank of yellow lights ahead and coasted to a slow stop well before the oddly angled intersection of Route 39 and Tanco Road. He had once waited here while the Millers Kill fire department used the jaws of life to remove three mangled bodies from a station wagon that had tried to beat the light in bad weather. The driver had been a guy his age. “Clare,” he said, turning toward her, “if you’re okay, will you please look at me?”
The back of her head jerked back and forth. “Clare?” He thought back to how he felt earlier this evening, the weight and tension dropping off of him as he sat across from her at the kitchen table, talking. “Clare, who do you talk to? You asked me that, remember? Who do you talk to, Clare?”
Her voice was thick and tight. “I’ll be all right. It’s just been a long—” she couldn’t continue. The lights turned green. He didn’t move. “It’s just—” she tried again. “She makes me think of my sister,” she finally got out.
“Your sister,” he said. “The blond girl in those pictures on your table? What about your sister?”
She turned to him, her eyes bright, her face drawn and pinched. “She died. Five years ago this Thanksgiving.” She scrubbed her face with her open hands.
In the mirror, he could see distant lights headed up Route 39. He shifted the truck into gear and carefully drove on through the icy intersection. “Tell me,” he said, wondering as he said it why he was asking. He respected people’s privacy more than most, and this was clearly a private pain. “What was her name?”
“Grace. She was . . .” She coughed. “She was like a beautiful decoration on a Christmas tree. Funny and loving and frivolous. She was the sweet little sister and I was the tomboy know-it-all big sister. She was the beautiful one and I was the smart one.” One side of her mouth crooked up. “She was always trying to get me more interested in clothes and makeup and dating and all that girl stuff that came so naturally to her.” She plucked at the leather sleeve of her coat. “She gave me this jacket when I made first lieutenant, because she thought it looked like something a dashing aviatrix would wear.”
“She sounds like a very special person,” he said quietly.
“She was to us,” Clare said. “She never did anything that would make you stand up and take notice. She worked for our parents’ aviation company, secretarial work and bookkeeping. Enough to make minimum payments on her credit cards, she used to say. Mostly, she wanted to get married and have lots of kids. She would have, too. She had guys left, right, and center.” Clare smiled, a small, inward smile. “She volunteered at the local hospital because she wanted to meet a doctor.”
Russ didn’t want to hear more. He hated the dread creeping along the edges of his nerves, knowing how the story ended. He wanted the details left off, so he wouldn’t have to feel the ache under his sternum that had already begun. Aching for Clare, who had dried her eyes and was speaking in a low, thick voice.
“She was four years younger than me. Twenty-five when she—when it happened. She had had this pain on and off in her abdomen, thought it was indigestion or gas. It finally got bad enough for her to have it checked out.” She closed her eyes. “It was colo-rectal cancer, well advanced. She didn’t suspect. No one suspected. No one in our family had ever had cancer. She went in for a checkup in the morning and by that evening she was under a death sentence. In one day.”
He made the left-hand turn onto Main Street, the truck’s rear fishtailing gently before he got it straightened out. The shop lights were almost invisible in the snowy haze.
“I was stationed at Fort Bragg at the time, about four hours from home, so I didn’t ask for compassionate leave. Grace moved back into our parents’ house and I visited them every weekend. For awhile, I really thought she was going to get better. They treated it very, very aggressively, and I thought, she’s twenty-five, she’s under the best medical care possible, she has people all over the country praying for her, writing her letters, of course she can’t die. Of course she can’t die.” She folded her hands and pressed them to her mouth as if she were pushing a prayer back into her throat. “Four months. After four months, ‘she can’t die’ became the problem, not the expectation. Do you know anything about colo-rectal cancer?”
He shook his head.
“She was in agony. She was half-dead from the chemo and the half of her that was alive was suffering every day, all day. The fact that she was young and strong became a . . . a curse, because her body hung on, and hung on . . .” She rested her chin on her tightly clasped hands. “There was an intern she had dated, a friend of hers. Harry Jussawala. He would visit her, sometimes stay with her during treatments in the hospital.” She breathed deeply. “He came for Thanksgiving dinner. My folks always have friends as well as family for Thanksgiving. Their house is always open. I wasn’t there, I was on duty so one of the married guys could be at home with his family. Anyway, while the rest of them were in the kitchen or outside, Harry went into Grace’s room and gave her fifty crushed Valium pills suspended in a solution of cranberry juice and vodka.” She looked at Russ. “Does that sound stiff? That’s how I always think of it, you know, because that’s how I first heard about it from the investigators.” Her mouth quirked. “It was a Cape Codder, get it? Her favorite drink. She died within a half hour. She was dead when my mom went in to check on her.”
He didn’t know what to say. His heart hurt for her. “Oh, Clare. I’m so sorry.”
“Harry was never arrested. They talked about murder, then about manslaughter, but in the end, no one could prove anything except that he had brought the crushed Valium to her room. His medical license was revoked. I still don’t know, to this day, if it was really her idea to kill herself or if he acted out of his own sense of compassion. She didn’t leave a note or anything.” Her face crumpled at last. “I never got to say good-bye to her.” She furiously blinked back tears. “And you know what’s awful? To this day, I don’t know whether to curse him or bless him. She was suffering, I know that, and it was going to end in her death. But she was alive! To be put down like a hurting dog . . .” she shook her head sharply, her lips closing tightly over her grief. She rubbed her face again, hard, and sniffled wetly. “I’m sorry. I never talk about this, I don’t know what got into me.”
He turned onto Church Street, swerving to one side to let a snow plow get by in the other lane. “It’s late and you’re tired,” he said. “Fatigue is like a truth drug, you know. Makes you do and say things you ordinarily wouldn’t consider.” He stopped at a red light and looked at her. “I think with all this stuff about Kristen and her sister, you needed to talk about Grace, and you needed a friend. I like to think I qualify there.”
She wiped a finger under her nose, smiling a little at him. “You do. You surely do. Thanks.”
He drove forward, past the park, past St. Alban’s, onto Elm Street. Over her protests about not trying to make it into her driveway, he shifted into second and churned a path up to her kitchen door. He was damned if he’d make her walk any farther than she had to in those skimpy boots she had on.
The truck idled quietly. “The guys on the graveyard shift always swing by my place around dawn,” he said. “Give me your key. I’ll radio them tonight before I turn in, ask if one of them will drive your car back into town if the roads are plowed by then.” She nodded, rubbing her eyes once more before fishing a key chain out of her pocket. She looked like a little kid at the end of an overlong day, all flushed cheeks and exhausted, tear-bright eyes. She
