Chameleon's Shadow

Subsequent awakenings increased his dread. He came to understand that the ringing was inside his head. It grew more bearable with each return to consciousness, but he couldn’t hear what was said by the faces that stared down at him. Their mouths opened and closed but nothing reached him. Nor did he know if his own mouth was relaying the signals his brain was sending to it. He tried to speak of his fears, but the lack of response in the faces above him persuaded him his lips weren’t moving. Time was meaningless. He couldn’t tell how often he drifted in and out of consciousness or how long his periods of sleep lasted. He convinced himself that days and weeks had passed since he’d been brought to this place, and a slow anger burned inside him as threads of insight began to knit together. Something cataclysmic had happened. He was in hospital. The talking heads were doctors. But they weren’t helping him and they couldn’t see that he was awake. He had a terrifying anxiety that he was in the hands of enemies – why? – or that he was trapped forever in a paralysed state that allowed him to think and reason, but left him unable to communicate. The dark-haired woman suffocated him. He hated the smell of her and the touch of her hand on his skin. She was always there, weeping soft, round tears down her pale cheeks, but her sadness failed to move Acland. He knew intuitively that the tears were for show, not for him, and he despised her for her lack of sincerity. He felt he should recognize her. Every time he woke and watched her through a half-closed lid, a sense of familiarity swam just below the surface. He knew his father before he knew her. Recognition of the tired-looking man who hovered at the edges of his vision came like an electric shock. In the next moment, he knew who the woman was and why her touch repulsed him. Other memories flooded back. He recalled his name. Charles Acland. His occupation. Lieutenant, British Army. His last deployment. Iraq.

He had a clear recollection, which he played over and over in his mind because it offered an explanation, of boarding an RAF Hercules on the day he left for the Middle East. He guessed the plane must have crashed on take- off, for his last memory was of buckling himself into his seat.

*

‘Charles. Wake up, Charles.’ Fingers pinched the skin on his hand. ‘There’s a good boy. Come on, now. Wake up.’ He opened his eye and looked at the middle-aged nurse who was bending over him. ‘I heard you,’ he said. The words came out as a long slur but he knew he’d said them. ‘You’ve had an operation and you’re now in recovery,’ she told him, answering the question she thought he’d asked. Where am I? ‘If all goes well, you’ll be returned to your own bed this afternoon. You’re connected to a PCA pump –’ she guided his left hand towards a control set – ‘otherwise known as patient-controlled analgesia. It allows you to be in charge of your own post-operative care. You shouldn’t need any pain relief for a while, but if you begin to feel discomfort press the white button. The morphine will help you sleep.’ He jerked his hand away immediately. ‘It’s up to you,’ she said easily, ‘but this way you can manage the pain yourself. The doses are measured and the machine overrides any attempt at self-indulgence.’ She smiled cheerfully. ‘You won’t be on it long enough to become an addict, Charles. Trust me.’ He didn’t. He had an instant understanding that he didn’t trust any woman, although he had no idea why that should be. The nurse held up a black plastic egg-shaped object. ‘I’m going to put this in your right hand. Tell me if you can feel it.’

‘Yes.’

‘Good man.’ She placed his thumb on a button at the top. ‘Push that if you need me. I’ll be keeping a close eye on you, but in case of emergencies, holler. You’re a lucky fellow. If God hadn’t given you a skull like a rhinoceros, you wouldn’t have survived.’

She started to move away but Acland used his free hand to catch at her skirt. ‘How did it crash?’

‘Say again.’

He took the words back into his throat like a ventriloquist and repeated them in slow, guttural fashion. ‘Khow . . . di’ . . . i’ . . . khrash?’

‘How did what crash?’

‘The plane.’ He tried again. ‘Khe khlane. I was on a khlane.’

‘Don’t you remember what happened?’

He shook his head.

‘OK. I’ll ask someone to explain it to you.’ She patted his hand again. ‘But don’t worry, love. You’ve got a few wires crossed, that’s all. They’ll right themselves eventually.’

*

Time passed and nothing happened. The nurse returned at intervals, but her complacent smiles and inane comments annoyed him. Once or twice, he attempted to remind her that he needed explanations but, out of stupidity or bloody-mindedness, she refused to understand what he was saying. A scream was circling around his head and he found himself struggling with anger in a way that he didn’t understand. Everything, from the curtained cubicle he was lying in to the sounds from outside – muted voices, footsteps, a phone ringing – conspired to ratchet up his irritation. Even the nurse had lost interest. He counted off the seconds between her visits. Three hundred. Four hundred. When the interval reached five hundred, he put his finger on the buzzer and kept it there. She bustled in with a stupid laugh and attempted to remove the plastic egg from his hand, but he wrestled it away from her and held it against his chest. ‘Fuck you.’

She had no trouble understanding that, he thought, watching her smile disappear. ‘I can’t turn it off if you keep your finger on it,’ she said, indicating a bleeping light on a remote receiver clipped to her waistband. ‘You’ll have everyone in here if you don’t let go.’

‘Good.’

‘I’ll disconnect it,’ she warned. ‘You’re not the only patient who’s had surgery today.’ She held out her palm. ‘Come on, Charles. Give me a break, eh? I’ve made the call. It’s not my fault it’s taking so long. This is a National Health Service hospital, and there’s only one psychiatric consultant on call at the moment. He’ll be here before long. You have to trust me on that.’

He tried to say he didn’t need a psychiatrist. There was nothing wrong with his brain. He simply wanted to know what had happened. There were other men on the plane. Had they survived? But the concentration needed to speak the words (which were incomprehensible even to his own ears) was so intense that the woman easily deprived him of his buzzer. He swore at her again.

She checked the PCA, saw that he hadn’t used it. ‘Is it pain that’s making you angry?’

‘No.’

She didn’t believe him. ‘No one expects you to be a hero, Charles. Pain-free sleep will do you more good than staying awake and becoming frustrated.’ She shook her head. ‘You shouldn’t be this alert anyway, not after what you’ve been through.’