Shape of Snakes

'Of course it wasn't,' I agreed. 'It was Libby's fault. She caught you at a low ebb, plied you with drink, then persuaded you into a quickie on the kitchen floor. Afterward, you found yourself in an impossible position. You regretted it intensely and hoped it was a one-off. She loved every minute of it and looked on it as the beginning of a great love affair.' I watched him for a moment. 'I should imagine Libby's version is a little different-you seduced her in other words-but the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.'

'I knew you'd be angry,' he said unhappily. 'That's why I never told you.'

'Now you're flattering yourself,' I said. 'It's probably a huge disappointment but the only emotion I have ever experienced re you and Libby is indifference.' Of course I was lying ... but he owed me ... I had honored my promises ... and he hadn't. 'If I'd been able to work up the energy to feel angry, I think you'd have realized something was wrong. Certainly Libby would, but then she's a woman and women are better at picking up vibes.'

He pulled up in front of the Indian restaurant. 'Wasn't it her who told you about us?'

'No. I suspect she's even more embarrassed than you are. We're hardly talking Abelard and Heloise in all conscience.'

He clamped down on his anger. 'Who then?'

'You.' I smiled at his expression. 'One night in Hong Kong. Not in so many words ... You weren't that drunk ... but you said enough for me to put two and two together. It was quite a relief, actually. I remember thinking, So that's what this has all been about-a grubby little affair with Libby Williams. I even laughed about it afterward. I kept picturing you and her working up a sweat in Jock's bed while he was out getting blow jobs off the Graham Road tart. There was such a sweet irony about it-you being piggy in the middle of a couple of predators. It explained everything. Your unpleasantness ... your lies ... your dash to leave England. I even felt sorry for you in a funny kind of way because it seemed so obvious you'd sold your soul to the devil for something you hadn't enjoyed very much.'

He shook his head in bewilderment. 'Why didn't you say something?'

'I couldn't see the point. We were on the other side of the world. All I'd have been doing was closing the stable door after the horse had bolted.'

Sam wasn't designed to remain humble for long. 'Do you know what this feels like? It feels like I'm married to a stranger. I don't even know who you are anymore.' He propped his elbows on the steering wheel and ground his knuckles into his eyes. 'You always tell people what a great marriage we have ... what great kids we have ... what a great father I am. But it's all just crap ... one huge pretense at happy families when the truth is you hate my guts. How could you do that? How could you be so bloody devious?'

I reached for the door handle. 'The same way you did,' I said lightly. 'Closed my eyes to what a bastard you'd been and pretended none of it had ever happened.'

He agonized over my indifference while we waited for the curry, almost as if I'd thrown doubt on his manhood by refusing to take his infidelity seriously. For myself, I was wondering when he was going to realize that the bone of contention was Annie, not Libby, and how he would explain that when he did. We took seats in a corner and he muttered away in an undertone, afraid of being overheard, although my refusal to lighten his burden with sympathetic comments meant his tone became increasingly-and to my ears sweetly-strident.

He didn't want me to get the wrong impression ... It wasn't true that he'd tried to pretend nothing had happened ... more that he'd been terrified of losing me ... Of course he'd have admitted to it if I'd asked but it seemed more sensible to let sleeping dogs lie ... He knew I probably wouldn't believe him, but he was drunk the night Libby seduced him and the whole thing did turn into a total nightmare ... It was absolutely correct to describe Libby as a predator ... She was one of those women who thought the grass was always greener on the other side ... He remembered how shocked he'd been when he realized how jealous she was of me and how determined she was to bring me down to her size...

'When I told her I wanted to end it, she said she was going to tell you what a rat you'd married,' he said grimly. 'I know it's not much of an excuse but I honestly think I'd have killed her if she'd actually done it. I loathed her so much by then I couldn't be in the same room with her without wanting to strangle her.'

I believed him, not just because I wanted to but because he'd never been able to mention Libby's name without prefacing it with 'that bitch Jock married.' There was a brief period when I wondered if he said it out of regret because he, too, had been rejected but I soon realized that the antipathy was real and that Libby was as irrelevant to him as the women he'd slept with before we married. That's not to say I wouldn't have clawed his eyes out if I'd known about the affair at the time-objectivity needs time and distance to develop-but to come across it when the ashes were cold was a reason for private grief only, and not for a fanning of the embers.

'You don't need to do this,' I said, glancing toward a nearby customer who had one ear cocked to everything he was saying. 'Not unless you insist on washing your dirty linen in public. Libby's a dead issue as far as I'm concerned.' I lifted one shoulder in a careless shrug. 'I've always assumed that if you'd loved her you'd still be with her.'

He brooded for a moment in offended silence, his gaze fixing abstractedly on the eavesdropper. 'Then why tell Jock about it? Why get everyone worked up if it's all so unimportant to you?'

'Not all of it, Sam. Just Libby. I couldn't give a shit what you did to her ... but I do give a shit what you did to Annie. You left her to die in the gutter then labeled her a drunk in case anyone accused you of neglect. That's the issue. And, as usual, you're busting a gut to avoid it.' I paused. 'I know you saw her there-and not just because Jock confirmed it this afternoon-but because you always get so angry every time her name's mentioned.'

He wouldn't meet my eyes. 'I thought she was drunk.'

'What if she was? It was freezing cold and pouring with rain and she needed help, whatever state she was in.'

'I wasn't the only one,' he muttered. 'Jock and that woman ignored her, too.'

It was hardly an answer but I let it go. 'They never got as close as you did,' I said. 'I was watching them.'

'How do you know how close I got?'

'Jock said you told him Annie was reeking of drink, but I didn't smell anything until I stooped down to rock her shoulder.' I watched him curiously for a moment. 'And it wasn't drink I smelled either, it was urine, and I don't understand how you could mistake that for alcohol.'